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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you find this offensive? *Trigger Warning*

110 replies

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 12:14

I’ll try to not be too outing but I’d like to hear other peoples opinion.

I was out for a meal with a group of people (we’ve all known each other for 10/15 years and some are closer than others in the group).

Someone that a few of the people in the group knew recently had a baby. My friend showed a picture of the baby around the table and one person on the table commented and said ‘the baby looks Down syndrome-ee.’

I wasn’t involved in the conversation as I was too busy sending a quick Whatsapp message to someone but I heard the comment being made in the background. As soon as I heard it I instantly got really heated and felt quite angry. I eventually went to the toilet and had a little cry (embarrassing I know).

For context, my 14 month has a rare genetic disorder and is missing the same chromosome that people with Down Syndrome have too much of. I’ve come across a lot of ableist comments since he’s been born but I was knocked backwards hearing that from someone within the group.

I’m also not particularly close to this person but I’m quite disappointed in myself for not saying at the time. I didn’t want to cause a scene but in hindsight, maybe that was a perfect reason to cause a scene.

I know I’m in the wrong for not challenging it but this isn’t okay is it? Peoples reactions were so normal it’s making me feel as if I’m in the wrong.

(please delete this post MN if it’s considered offensive)

OP posts:
SayHi · 09/07/2023 16:55

Tbh it depends how it was said.

If she was just being factual then there’s nothing wrong with saying it.

If she was taking the piss then obviously it’s not ok.

I do understand what you’re saying though and why you’d be offended. I would have been quite shocked too.

Many people don’t realise that most of my family are black or mixed-race and I am constantly getting offended by things that they say and I hate any topics of black rights being brought up or someone having a tan or a black person getting a job in power, as I know they’re going to say something that’s borderline racist and it’s going to get my back up but I don’t say anything as I’m not sure if I’m being overly defensive or not.

I would just try and avoid this woman in future.

sadlittlelifejane · 09/07/2023 16:55

Its just a slightly dark humour comment meant to shock. If you choose to be offended on everyone else's behalf all the time you will have a pretty miserable life.

SparkyBlue · 09/07/2023 17:05

I can't believe some of the replies on here. YANBU OP and it's very easy to tell on here the posters who have had zero experience of having a child with any additional needs. Of course it was said in a negative way as OP said others at the table giggled so it certainly wasn't that the ladies at the table were concerned or asking a genuine question about the baby.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 17:28

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 12:14

I’ll try to not be too outing but I’d like to hear other peoples opinion.

I was out for a meal with a group of people (we’ve all known each other for 10/15 years and some are closer than others in the group).

Someone that a few of the people in the group knew recently had a baby. My friend showed a picture of the baby around the table and one person on the table commented and said ‘the baby looks Down syndrome-ee.’

I wasn’t involved in the conversation as I was too busy sending a quick Whatsapp message to someone but I heard the comment being made in the background. As soon as I heard it I instantly got really heated and felt quite angry. I eventually went to the toilet and had a little cry (embarrassing I know).

For context, my 14 month has a rare genetic disorder and is missing the same chromosome that people with Down Syndrome have too much of. I’ve come across a lot of ableist comments since he’s been born but I was knocked backwards hearing that from someone within the group.

I’m also not particularly close to this person but I’m quite disappointed in myself for not saying at the time. I didn’t want to cause a scene but in hindsight, maybe that was a perfect reason to cause a scene.

I know I’m in the wrong for not challenging it but this isn’t okay is it? Peoples reactions were so normal it’s making me feel as if I’m in the wrong.

(please delete this post MN if it’s considered offensive)

I don't know where to start. There are so many reasons that was wrong and offensive.

Please steer clear of them in the futureFlowers

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2023 17:31

Gothambutnotahamster · 09/07/2023 13:18

This is my thinking too - hence not understanding why it was an offensive thing to say (other than the 'ee' on the end, potentially?)

Show quote history

Possibly because it was highly unlikely to have been meant in a 'kind' way.

Not noticing, caring or commenting would have been the right way to be

Original poster
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 17:31

Of course it was said in a negative way as OP said others at the table giggled so it certainly wasn't that the ladies at the table were concerned or asking a genuine question about the baby.

Thank you! In no way was it just dark humour or said out of genuine concern. It was like a comment made just being plain old nasty especially going by her tone. I do agree with another post that I’m the best person to be able to judge by the context as I was actually there

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 09/07/2023 17:33

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

Christ, this is patronising & nonsense.

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 09/07/2023 17:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Disingenuous in the extreme and classic victim blaming.

It's quite possible to understand ableism in the overall social context, as here, without buying in to it.

Goodingly · 09/07/2023 17:36

Yes, I think it was an offensive thing to say. Depending on how long ago it was, I think I would give the person a ring and chat about it. Explain how you felt when you heard it and why.

I was out for coffee with two friends and one of the friends make a comment that I considered to be racist (she didn't, and dismissed my concerns - we agreed that she wouldn't say that in front of me again though). Second friend who had been replying to a text zoned back into the conversation at the point but didn't say anything.

About a fortnight later I met up with the second friend who told me that she had phoned the first friend about the comment she made as she had been really upset by it and explained to the first friend why (she had a more direct reason to be upset by it than me). She got a heartfelt apology from the first friend who just didn't seem to understand. I was impressed and thought it was exactly the right thing to do. It taught me that sometimes it is more powerful to address things later without an audience - but to address them.

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 17:36

I'd not be socialising with that person again.

scoobydoo1971 · 09/07/2023 17:37

I would find that comment highly offensive. Amongst the long list of medical conditions I have been diagnosed with, one is neurofibromatosis. This is a chromosome disorder of genetic origin. It comes with similar learning disabilities as Down's syndrome. It hasn't stopped me running a business, raising a family or getting a doctorate. Some people assume chromosome disorders come with low intellectual functioning etc, but it isn't always the case. Don't let people get you down over your own child's diagnosis OP, as you never know the outcome with suitable intervention and support. As for the person making such a comment, I would assume they are very shallow and ignorant. A person to be pitied for thinking such low comments are humour.

Tlolljs · 09/07/2023 17:39

I think it’s offensive. We’re the child’s parents present op?

Madrid67 · 09/07/2023 17:40

Yes it's offensive. Why would anyone say that? I'm not surprised it upset you and can totally understand why you didn't say anything at the time. Sometimes we can't get our thoughts together at the time someone says something unexpected and upsetting

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 09/07/2023 17:40

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

ODFOD
I'm probably older than you and it's perfectly clear to me that it was an offensive, shitty, ignorant and ableist comment.
Bloody Daily Heil contingent.

Callyem · 09/07/2023 17:43

Can't believe people are trying to turn it around to saying your reaction was ablist. It was CLEARLY a snarky comment designed to put the baby down and YANBU.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:44

pickledandpuzzled · 09/07/2023 16:38

Does he has Down's syndrome? No, he just has very round eyes... or whatever.

I used to foster, and the mum of a teenager with Downs commented that one of my babies looked as though he had Downs.

He doesn't, but probably does have a chromosomal difference.

I don't see the problem with the comment to be honest.

Unless it was said in a nasty way.

I think the outrage at pattern recognition is ridiculous.

I think tho there's a difference between stating he looks like he has downs syndrome as a kind of question / observation like the Mom did, and saying someone looks down-syndromey just for the sake of saying they look different to "typical" babies. It's the picking out something different with the baby just to make a noise in a room

nofluffsgiven · 09/07/2023 17:44

Yes you're right to be offended, it's a very tw*tty comment. I think some people just don't think before opening their mouths

Leastsaidsoonestscrewed · 09/07/2023 17:45

Callyem · 09/07/2023 17:43

Can't believe people are trying to turn it around to saying your reaction was ablist. It was CLEARLY a snarky comment designed to put the baby down and YANBU.

Me neither. People really do go through mental contortions to justify their prejudices.

TeddySunflowers · 09/07/2023 17:45

My cousin had downs syndrome and he was such a lovely gentle sweet thing. He sadly died from cardiac complications about 15 years ago. I think it would depend on the delivery of the comment for me. If it was clearly meant to mock or insult I'd find it very distasteful but if I was more observational then I don't think it would offend me. There are physical features that commonly come hand in hand with chromosomal abnormalities (not always the case though), it's okay to acknowledge that so long as it's not discriminatory or cruel.

JustDanceAddict · 09/07/2023 17:45

I’m Gen X and would certainly find this offensive - it’s obviously meant in a negative manner otherwise why say it. Never comment on a baby’s appearance except in a very positive manner.
I wouldn’t have cried though, more like a wtaf moment!

SayHi · 09/07/2023 17:46

I’m not sure I would judge the other women at the table as sometimes people can laugh nervously or because they’re so taken back.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2023 17:46

Emz6103 · 09/07/2023 15:54

Ikr this generation get offended at the slightest thing......gen X would have been like...."where let me see"
It's ridiculous tbh. There's nothing wrong with having downs, or mentioning it. Generation of snowflakes because if they're offended by that just wait till you REALLY experience the world! What an overreaction.

You don't even know what generation op is. She could be anything from 16 to 46

Original poster
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 09/07/2023 17:47

Tlolljs · 09/07/2023 17:39

I think it’s offensive. We’re the child’s parents present op?

Oh no the child’s parents certainly weren’t there. I highly doubt that would have been said if that was the case

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 09/07/2023 17:50

They sound like a right bunch of c*nts.

Back away slowly.

Hopefully you'll find some less cunty and more tactful friends

Porageeater · 09/07/2023 17:54

Ffs the comments on here. OP if you as the parent of a child with a genetic disorder found this upsetting then it is offensive. It is obvious to me why you found it upsetting as it was nasty and unnecessary and these people should be mortified. And I’m gen x.