BIL disciplining my 3 year old..

[babyshar]

First of all, my BIL is great. He's 30 and has no kids yet.

He loves my DD and DS a lot and is a great uncle.

I have nothing against other adults setting boundaries for my kids, generally. They need to hear no from other adults they spend time with, especially if they're doing something unsafe etc.

BIL has started being really quite strict with my DD. It's like he thinks we are too soft and he's trying to take it upon himself to be consistent and strict with her.

He gets into battle of wills with my 3 year old, which I just think are unnecessary.

For example if we are playing a game and my DD isn't quite understanding the rules properly and being a bit silly and not wanting to wait her turn, he'll make a really big point of being super strict about it, rather than leaving it to me to sort out in a more positive way. He'll get into a battle and she ends up crying. I'm not saying he is wrong for trying to teach her, but his approach is the way I would have approached it pre kids. Now I actually have them, I don't get into these kinds of battles constantly. I would just explain it calmly to her a few times and if she continued not taking turns, I may just end the activity and focus on something different whilst explaining that we need to play games by taking turns etc.

My BIL will dangle stuff in front of her and say she can't play it she's not playing properly and gets into these huge battles which end up in her crying.

Other times she wants to play with whatever toy my brother in law has. Rather than redirecting her, he'll get into another battle and dangles it ' you can't have this one, it's mine ! No! You can't have this one '.. again, leaves DD upset. I would either just give her what I was playing with or I would try to focus on what she had and explain gently that I was playing with the other toy and she needs to wait until I'm finished. If I got into a full on confrontation every time DD was behaving this way, I would be fighting with her constantly.

Anyway, some may say I'm too soft or whatever. But it's how I parent. I don't like how BIL does it and I don't think it works well. I think that kind of ' discipline ' should only come from parents. Not even our boomer parents get into these battles with her. Of course they tell her 'no ' and explain things to her, but they don't make her cry and leave the heavy lifting to me.

I want tell BIL to stop doing it and I also feel a little bit like he thinks how we parent her is wrong, because we don't do what he does. I think he thinks he can do it better by being super strict. So that annoys me as well.

Can anyone relate ?

I know I'll probably get a lot of posts saying that I'm super soft and unreasonable and that BIL is doing the right thing etc. but I thought I would post anyway.

Why are adults playing with children’s toys? Both of you sound very childish.

You need to tell him to keep his beak out.

When you are playing with a 3 year old, you may use one doll and do role play or whatever with her and she had another dolly or whatever and then wants yours.. not sure if you've ever played with kids ? But you ' play ' with them also using their toys...... not sure why that's childish ?

He’s playing with her and then bullying her.

Your BIL sounds likes a complete idiot. Teasing a 3 year old and making her cry?

Is he your husband's brother? If so, your DH should tell him to cool it.

He's one of those people that's a perfect parent before they have kids but he has no idea.

I would stop seeeing him so much. He chooses to tease her to tears, that's not kind or loving, is it. He's horrible.

Playing with children's toys with a child is totally normal so ignore the poster commenting on that, they clearly don't have kids and are here to bait.

But you need to stop your BIL's behaviour. Playing with children is about meeting them at their level, teaching them, making them feel good. He is making her cry and is clearly not in tune with her.

He sounds like a bully and a bit of a dick.

Your instincts are telling you that, so listen to them and make it clear to him that he is not to upset her.

"Oh are you getting upset? Let's take a break from that game shall we?" And then pick her up and remove her from his presence, comfort her and show her she does not have to put up with bullying or nastiness, even from family members.

Also he doesn't sound great at all. And the fact that he is only bullying your daughter and not your son is troubling. Protect your daughter.

Telling her off for thumping her baby brother - absolutely fine.

Waving a toy in her face saying “ner ner ner-ner-ner, you can’t have it, this is mine” marks him out as a massive twat and I’d be keeping my children away from him.

I think he's just got no idea and thinks we are soft and wants to do parenting ' properly '.

My son is only 1. It's not because she's a girl.

Definitely sounds more like an expert parent with no kids rather than a bully.

Would he take a hint? Play with them and then when he starts just laugh and say "trust me BIL, pick your battles, she just isn't old enough to get this yet" with a laugh and try to divert them in a more positive way.

Oh Ok, you didn't say how old your son was.

Yeah a lot of people think parents are too soft until they have kids of their own and realise that children are people and you need to meet them at their developmental level, empathise and care for them, not bully them into submission.

He still sounds like an absolute dick and there is no way in hell someone would be playing mind games with my three year old to the point that they are visibly distressed.

Yeah I've tried that gently. I'll just step in more until he gets the idea.

Your way sounds sensible. At 3 our frontal lobes just ain’t there yet in terms of dealing with frustration or indeed any strong emotion (toddler tantrums being a case in point). What your BiL is doing is useless and guaranteed to wind your child up because the child just can’t yet make any connection between not playing by rules and not getting to play. I’d be wondering if being around a child of that age is bringing up something for him about how he was parented. I’d be having a firm and private word with him about boundaries.

My kids uncles and aunties have never and would never make them cry. I would be very very concerned and do everything to nip it in the bud right now. Protect her from him. How you achieve that is up to to you. You could talk to him, remove her every time it starts or see him less.

YABU for using the phrase ‘boomer’. Nasty attitude.

I think you might need to be straight with him and tell him you’re not parenting that way.

Or get your husband to say something if it’s his brother. What does he think about it all?

No matter how nice of kind your bil is this is not okay. He seems to lack life experience and obviously can't deal with kids. I will would jump in and say well we know how this is going to end. He or she is just three and not thirteen. This is not about correcting her it's about expecting your one and three years old to act like older kids. I would intervene.

He doesn’t sound like a great uncle; he sounds like an immature bully.

Why on earth are you interested in his opinion of how you parent?

He sounds a real knobhead! Doesn’t seem like a good fun uncle at all. Tell him to stop making dd cry and to grow up a bit!

Argh if he's not taking the hint maybe one of you will need to step in. What does your DH think? Probably better coming from him, might be able to do it lightheartedly without causing a family row?

I'd just intervene more but not worry about it too much. Tell him "no teasing " and her "share nicely" just like you would with two kids of different ages (you can roll your eyes to yourself as you do so). The truth is that he will learn, and your dd will mature so they'll probably be getting along fine soon enough.

I think sometimes people without kids don't really understand kids (obviously loads of child free people are brilliant with kids too!). But sometimes they might expect too much from a toddler in terms of understanding and behaviour. One of my SILs is like this. I don't think BIL sounds like he really gets it. The teasing is simply mean. If I was there and it was happening I'd be quite firm with him and point out he was upsetting her and his approach was wrong. If he persisted I'd simply take her somewhere else (away from him) and start playing with another toy. I couldn't just sit by and watch him tease and upset her.

He's not disciplining. He's being a nasty bully.

Put a stop to this.