BIL disciplining my 3 year old..

[babyshar]

First of all, my BIL is great. He's 30 and has no kids yet.

He loves my DD and DS a lot and is a great uncle.

I have nothing against other adults setting boundaries for my kids, generally. They need to hear no from other adults they spend time with, especially if they're doing something unsafe etc.

BIL has started being really quite strict with my DD. It's like he thinks we are too soft and he's trying to take it upon himself to be consistent and strict with her.

He gets into battle of wills with my 3 year old, which I just think are unnecessary.

For example if we are playing a game and my DD isn't quite understanding the rules properly and being a bit silly and not wanting to wait her turn, he'll make a really big point of being super strict about it, rather than leaving it to me to sort out in a more positive way. He'll get into a battle and she ends up crying. I'm not saying he is wrong for trying to teach her, but his approach is the way I would have approached it pre kids. Now I actually have them, I don't get into these kinds of battles constantly. I would just explain it calmly to her a few times and if she continued not taking turns, I may just end the activity and focus on something different whilst explaining that we need to play games by taking turns etc.

My BIL will dangle stuff in front of her and say she can't play it she's not playing properly and gets into these huge battles which end up in her crying.

Other times she wants to play with whatever toy my brother in law has. Rather than redirecting her, he'll get into another battle and dangles it ' you can't have this one, it's mine ! No! You can't have this one '.. again, leaves DD upset. I would either just give her what I was playing with or I would try to focus on what she had and explain gently that I was playing with the other toy and she needs to wait until I'm finished. If I got into a full on confrontation every time DD was behaving this way, I would be fighting with her constantly.

Anyway, some may say I'm too soft or whatever. But it's how I parent. I don't like how BIL does it and I don't think it works well. I think that kind of ' discipline ' should only come from parents. Not even our boomer parents get into these battles with her. Of course they tell her 'no ' and explain things to her, but they don't make her cry and leave the heavy lifting to me.

I want tell BIL to stop doing it and I also feel a little bit like he thinks how we parent her is wrong, because we don't do what he does. I think he thinks he can do it better by being super strict. So that annoys me as well.

Can anyone relate ?

I know I'll probably get a lot of posts saying that I'm super soft and unreasonable and that BIL is doing the right thing etc. but I thought I would post anyway.

If you think that style of parenting is acceptable because that's how you were raised, why are you posting? Are you going to tell us you slap your DD next?

I didn't know pointing out someone's generation makes me a horrible human being ?

It does't make you a horrible human being – no one said that.

It does make you sound ageist.

"OK boomer" is a phrase used to mock or belittle our elders. It's disrespectful and ignorant.

@Inkpotlover I never said it's acceptable to me and it's clearly not.

OK, I didn't mean to offend. Sorry.

Why is he even trying to get involved with ‘parenting’? He slings mean.

And plenty of people your age were not smacked and shouted at by my mum. I’m 45 and I wasn’t hit.

"I'm sorry that you get into battles with DD and she finishes up crying. The trick is to understand what a 3 year old can grasp and to adapt accordingly. Here is a book on parenting - please read it."

It is concerning that he can see she is getting upset but still persists. I am afraid I would have words. It is good that children experience the fact that adults are all different and have different rules sometimes, but his goading is childish and smacks of the sort of adult who enjoys wielding power over children by teasing - I have to say that turns my stomach.

Boomers has become an insult though - I didn't used to mind being referred to as a baby boomer as it was factual, but boomer is always used in conjunction with something insulting. Even in the context the OP used it - "Not even our boomer parents get into these battles with her" is negative - golly if not even your boomer parents do it, then it MUST be bad.

Yes, what your BIL is doing is wrong and you are correct to address it, but this baby boomer parent most certainly did not parent that way.

Why are you socialising with BIL when he’s mean to your DD. Just cut back the contact to the minimum and stand your ground.

Sounds like she's acting age appropriate and is learning as she grows and he is bullying. Please don't stand for it.
When you see it start to ramp up, remove her from him and tell him she's acting age appropriate, you are not, teasing and bullying her isn't going to make her grow any faster, but it will make her not like you at all.

Glad to hear that. Where is your DH/DP in all this? What does he think about the way his brother treats his child?

It's simple. You say "John, will you stop winding her up now or leave. I'm not having you upset her pointlessly." He's a wind up merchant.

I hate this ageist generalisation of boomers. In a few years younger generations will be insulting us millennials (they probably already are). You should stop your BIL playing with your daughter. He has no idea how to interact with young children.

I think any generation can be referred in a negative way.

Millennial has bad connotations already too.

People often say ' such a millennial ' in a negative way.

In fact I can't think of any positive way anyone has ever referred to a millennial. It's usually always a negative thing. Unfortunately..

Has he actually said this?

Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk to kids effectively. It's not always intuitive.

@babyshar yes you're right! I don't hear many negative things about Gen X though! Gen Z also gets flack from the older generations too.

I remember when my DD was 3 and I was a newly single parent, working full time and just about keeping my head above water... my brother bought my DD some cookie cutters that enabled you to make a 3D stand up dinosaur. He couldn't understand why I didn't jump to do the activity with my DD.

He now has 3 children under 5 and totally gets it.

Your BIL has no clue how to parent a small child. As a parent you can see situations arising and you learn to divert attention, change tack, and most importantly choose your battles!

You need to tell him to back off. And if he doesn't listen, you need step in every time he does it. Your daughter needs you to protect her from this bullshit.

And your DH needs to have a word if it's his brother too!

He just lacks understanding of what developmental stage she is at, treating her like she is 6/7. My dad did this with DS, ironically he rarely spent time with him but used to 'teach' him a lesson like if you do X you will get this (chocolate or whatever) DS would go for the chocolate and he would pull it away saying only after X but DS didn't understand and it would end in tears. He would not accept that DS at the time didn't understand that type of conditional statement. I gave up hanging out with him for a while after we went to the zoo and he spent the entire time giving out to the child for pointing at the birds because he should be focusing on the giraffes FFS.

She's a 3 year old. You can't expect them to follow the same logic. 🙄

That's what I just realised too ! Gen X don't get much crap at all !

🤣 Ok, this is peak MN AIBU first response!

You are clearly awful @babyshar for wanting to play with your child 🤣

True. But Gen X would never OK Boomer their elders.

@User1367349 it really was the most perfect first response I've ever read.

True! I always see gen x as the coolest generation!

Your bil is bullying your child. You need to stop it every single time.

For clarity, referring to the boomer generation is not the same as saying “ok boomer”. In the same way as talking about the millennial generation isn’t the same as saying “typical millennials”.