BIL disciplining my 3 year old..

[babyshar]

First of all, my BIL is great. He's 30 and has no kids yet.

He loves my DD and DS a lot and is a great uncle.

I have nothing against other adults setting boundaries for my kids, generally. They need to hear no from other adults they spend time with, especially if they're doing something unsafe etc.

BIL has started being really quite strict with my DD. It's like he thinks we are too soft and he's trying to take it upon himself to be consistent and strict with her.

He gets into battle of wills with my 3 year old, which I just think are unnecessary.

For example if we are playing a game and my DD isn't quite understanding the rules properly and being a bit silly and not wanting to wait her turn, he'll make a really big point of being super strict about it, rather than leaving it to me to sort out in a more positive way. He'll get into a battle and she ends up crying. I'm not saying he is wrong for trying to teach her, but his approach is the way I would have approached it pre kids. Now I actually have them, I don't get into these kinds of battles constantly. I would just explain it calmly to her a few times and if she continued not taking turns, I may just end the activity and focus on something different whilst explaining that we need to play games by taking turns etc.

My BIL will dangle stuff in front of her and say she can't play it she's not playing properly and gets into these huge battles which end up in her crying.

Other times she wants to play with whatever toy my brother in law has. Rather than redirecting her, he'll get into another battle and dangles it ' you can't have this one, it's mine ! No! You can't have this one '.. again, leaves DD upset. I would either just give her what I was playing with or I would try to focus on what she had and explain gently that I was playing with the other toy and she needs to wait until I'm finished. If I got into a full on confrontation every time DD was behaving this way, I would be fighting with her constantly.

Anyway, some may say I'm too soft or whatever. But it's how I parent. I don't like how BIL does it and I don't think it works well. I think that kind of ' discipline ' should only come from parents. Not even our boomer parents get into these battles with her. Of course they tell her 'no ' and explain things to her, but they don't make her cry and leave the heavy lifting to me.

I want tell BIL to stop doing it and I also feel a little bit like he thinks how we parent her is wrong, because we don't do what he does. I think he thinks he can do it better by being super strict. So that annoys me as well.

Can anyone relate ?

I know I'll probably get a lot of posts saying that I'm super soft and unreasonable and that BIL is doing the right thing etc. but I thought I would post anyway.

It's got nothing to do with him how you parent your child and you need to be stepping in to protect her from him. How can you stand there and let him make her cry? And where's your partner/husband in all this, presuming it's his brother?

How is this even a question in your mind? Imagine if it was MIL or SIL treating your DD like this.

No he is not a great uncle. He's nasty and horrible! Any adult who enjoys making kids cry is not someone who should be allowed within a mile of them. Stand up for your DD, protect her.

It doesn't sound like teasing to me. He's saying here, you can play with this, but you must follow the rules.

Stopping a child snatching things from you or trying to make them follow the rules of a game is not "nasty bullying" ffs. It's just that the way he's going about things is not suitable for a child of 3. He's treating her like an older brother would (and with similar sub-optimal results).

FIL is a bit like this with DD 3, he clearly has no idea how to interact with her without teasing or being mean to her. He does a lot of 'thats MY toy' stuff which really upsets her, and she now doesn't like him and mentions things he's withheld from her whenever he is brought up in conversation. I think you or DH need to have a word with your BIL and get him to leave the parenting to you before she starts to seriously dislike him if she doesn't already.

Obviously your BiL is a big part of your family, so id imagine its not easy to manage his relationship and interactions with your DD in the more blunt ways people may suggest, and you might prefer a more tactful approach? In which case I think when this happens I'd be saying 'Come on DD, Uncle doesn't want to play the same way you do. Let's go and do something else' then remove DD to another activity.

I agree. He just doesn't know how and expects too much. He thinks she's naughty.

He wouldn't be the first to think that. Old school parenting would dictate that she is being naughty. I'm sure he was disciplined this way and so was I.

I've had this and the bully was put firmly in their place. They didn't like it, there were tears and "You're being so nasty to me boat". I told them straight that my child came first and I wasn't bothered if they liked it or not.
They walked out and that was the end of the matter, this person was known for their mean streak and drama llama behaviour. Haven't seen them since as it was clear they didn't like being stood up to, but I didn't care one way or the other.

This

STAND UP FOR YOUR DAUGHTER

He’s not being super strict. He’s being a bully and you need to step in and stop it when it happens.

Why did you ask if you're just going to make excuses for him? Stand up for your daughter fgs, and don't let him bully her.

Not sure what you're looking for here. You clearly want your BIL to butt out so tell him. ....but don't expect him to just blindly obey your 'orders'. Within reason he can choose how he interacts with your child. You as a parent can make the decision that you don't want him around her,or you can intervene and override him. If you don't always see the initial communication then ensure you are supervising your child.
It doesn't sound to me like he's doing anything unreasonable. He's pointing out 'mistakes' in her behaviour and being clear about what he expects. He's also teaching her about consequences eg you can play with this if ABor C...no, you can't play with X because I'm using it and it's my turn'. I doubt he will just change his approach because you don't want to hear your daughter cry.

Despite her crying and protests I'd bet a pound to a penny she really enjoys being around your BIL. Is he your sisters husband? I'm wondering what males (Dad?) other than BIL are actively involved.

I agree. It's not even disciplining. It's teaching.

What does your DH do or say when his brother is acting like a dickhead?

He is not her parent so doesn't get to decide to be strict and consistent with her.
Doesn't sound like that's what he is doing either, he sounds more like an annoying older sibling than an uncle.
Instead of treating him like another adult and saying pick your battles etc as if your 3yr old is the one in the wrong for not wanting to play a game to his arbitrary rules treat him like the child he is behaving as.
"Stop teasing BIL, we don't play mean games in this house" etc.

He is behaving like a child, therefore I would remove both toys or game, and say neither can play unless they play nicely together. If your child is obviously behaving badly, I would do the same,and say if she can't play nicely with her uncle, she is not to play with him.

A man interacting with a three year old in a way that OP has describe as "huge battles" that end in tears is not normal and definitely not teaching unless the lesson is that bigger people can bully smaller ones.

If that's the lesson, then he's doing a great job.

Maybe you need to use his shitty methods on him and see how well he takes it.

You say to him if it happens again, “it’s always so difficult for dd playing with you. She doesn’t end up in tears nearly so often with anyone else.”

Can you have a conversation with him about giving young children a bit of leeway, especially when playing games. At the end if the day, it’s your decision how to parent her. Her interaction with other children when she goes to school will teach her more about. the social niceties of playing than his domineering attitude. He sounds like the kind of person you’ll probably notice being extra competitive when playing board games when she’s a bit older. Whereas most people would go easy and ‘let’ the child win sometimes, this sort likes to be triumphant, even if they’re playing against a 4 or 5 yr old!

Agree .

Also agree that use of boomer is ageist and insulting here, particularly given the fact that so many people lost their beloved parents in the last few years.

I'd take twenty "boomers" over this twat.

He sounds horrible. I’d be so shocked if a family member made my young DC cry that I probably wouldn’t be able to help myself saying something like “John, what’s wrong with you?! She’s only 3! She doesn’t understand the rules and won’t for at least a couple of years yet! You need to go easier on young children when playing with them or they won’t like you!”

Then I’d take DC away from him and say loud enough for him to hear “Don’t worry DC, uncle John was being mean but I’ve told him off now so he shouldn’t do it again. If he makes you upset again then come and tell mummy or daddy ok?” So my DC knew he was in the wrong and we would protect them and he knew where he stood.

Do you normally not say anything to him at all? Making a 3 year old cry is totally unacceptable! He shouldn’t be playing with her if he can’t cope with toddler stage development.

and yes if it’s DH’s brother then he should be the one to say something

He’s a bully. Keep your LO away from him.

I didn't know pointing out someone's generation makes me a horrible human being ?

Anyway, our partners generation ( whatever you want to call it) I am a millennial ,often ( not always ) parented like this. My mum often thinks DD is naughty for having melt downs and thinks I'm way too soft and should shout at her more and even give her a smack. So that's how I was raised and my BIL too. He doesn't have kids yet, so he probably thinks that's what parenting is all about.

Sorry if I offended anyone with the comment that my parents and in laws are ' boomers '.