...to not want DD to eat these lollies?

[WorriedAboutEntertaining]

DD is 3.5 and her grandma keeps giving her these little lollies. I've asked her not to, as I have a horrible memory of my little brother choking on a lolly when he was 4 and my mum having to do the Heimlich manoeuvre on him.

DD's grandma also gives DD whole grapes, mini eggs and other things that really stress me out. I'm trying to be rational but my gut feeling is that I'd rather DD didn't have these things just yet - I still cut up grapes, for example.

Am I being irrational? Is DD old enough for these lollies? I think I might be letting my childhood memory cloud my judgement. DD's grandma thinks I'm being silly but she has been very cavalier with DD at times (leaving her alone on a changing table when she was a baby, DD rolled off; occasional things like that).

As a small child I started choking on a blackball - small round lolly - and I'd just coughed it back up when my father saw what was happening. The next thing I knew I was suspended in the air upside down and being shaken violently up and down like a yo-yo. Of course, I choked on the lolly again and I then had to painfully cough it back up once I got on the ground. It was utterly terrifying - I'm not sure the Heimlich manoeuvre had even been invented. I know my dad meant to help but he was nearly responsible for me choking to death. Your children's grandma sounds like a nightmare.

My mother had a wonderful relationship with my children and they loved her dearly. She lived in another city but did come to stay for quite long holidays (as my husband is a saint). She deferred to me in all things about my children - if I told her that that they weren't to eat something or do something she followed my instructions. She was very safety conscious and she would never have left a child on a changing table unattended. She always supervised her dog closely whenever the children were around - it came too for a winter holiday and at Xmas. (We're in the Southern Hemisphere so Xmas is not in winter.) It was the most brilliant dog with children being endlessly patient with them. She was a nanny when she was a young woman and was incredibly helpful with the children. On occasion, when I was overseas with my husband, she stayed to supervise the nanny with the children.

I wouldn't trust your MIL with the children because she simply isn't trustworthy. The fact that she wants to take your child away suggests to me that she is planning to do things that she knows you will not approve of her doing.

The little one is 3.5 years old, weaning should be well behind them.

This has just unlocked a memory for me - my mum drilled it into me that I could only lick these lollies, I couldn't put the whole thing in my mouth 🤣 it stuck until I was about 8, I was terrified!

@WorriedAboutEntertaining

No, it’s just not acceptable. Definitely need some boundaries. I’ve just been on a First Aid course where they highlighted the risks of choking. Grapes should be cut, lollies, mini eggs are hazards. Perhaps back up what you are saying with a news article. Can you provide alternatives - cut up some grapes in a lunchbox for them to give? They also NEED to be contactable - it’s essential. This would happen in any childcare setting, and they need to do the same. Otherwise you don’t leave her alone with them.

Tbh, it doesn’t matter whether you are being “too” protective or not. Those are YOUR rules, and your DD is YOUR child. It’s not a grandparents job to make those decisions for your child, it’s yours.

I'm in my 50s and was never allowed these lollies as a child as a neighbor's kid choked to death on one.

Not at all unreasonable. She's too little for those

Absolutely YANBU @WorriedAboutEntertaining I would not let this woman be in charge of your child anymore .... there's so much of her risk of running around with that 'lollipop on a stick' in her mouth, and falling over and having it go right down her throat (or into her frigging brain!!!)

I know it sounds dramatic - but I saw this show on satellite TV the other week about a woman, who, when she was a young girl (5 or 6,) was running around with a little pencil in her mouth ... She tripped over and slammed her face into the ground and knocked herself out.

The pencil went right into her brain ... it was so dangerous to get it out that they actually left it in there... She actually ended up having it pulled out 40 years later after suffering many years of constant headaches and migraines (because of said pencil in her brain.) Obviously medicine was much more advanced by then and they were able to get it out easier/better/more successfully.

I hate the dam things people hand them to my son and daughter without even asking me first. They have severe autism and epilepsy they're young adults now but I just say I don't usually let them have them. I never get them to give out for Halloween don't want to be responsible for someone else's child choking on one.

Grandma doesn't seem to like coming to our house to see DD, she prefers to take her back to her own house, or away somewhere, so that we're not around.

Of course she does - so that she can do things she knows you don't allow.

We didn't let our kids have those lollipops. They are a choking hazard, can break teeth and are the worst possible sweets for causing tooth decay. Children have hurt their mouths when they've been walking round with the stick poking out of their mouth, and fallen over and been hit.

I don’t like my DD eating boiled sweets now and she’s 10! You are not being irrationable

Be firm. Your child, your rules. My friend lost her child to choking. It doesn't just happen to other people!

Yes, have the confidence to set those clear boundaries.

Stop being so passive , this is your child and there is no reason why grandma needs alone time with her unless it’s because she is doing you a favour when you need childcare , and even then I think you would be better finding an alternative .

Absolutely not irrational. Personally I would not let grandma have unsupervised access to your DD anymore. It doesn’t matter what she thinks, you are the parent and if she’s not listening to what you want them she doesn’t get what she wants.

Oh dear. I'd really hope a nurse of all people would know better!

OP, your judgement is absolutely right here, be confident in yourself.

At the end of the day, even if you were being a bit over cautious (you're not), DD's grandma should be respecting your wishes no matter what her own opinion is.

It sounds like there's quite a few things she's decided to overrule you on. I'd be knocking the alone time on the head until she changes her attitude. They can spend time together with you present, no issues.

Personally I’d say better to teach her to manage treats like this.
maybe have them after tea instead of any dessert and sit still till all is eaten ( she may get bored and then it goes in the bin😂) and she can clean teeth before bed after.

then zero choking risk. Zero tooth risk and hopefully no “ forbidden fruit “ to want to scoff secretly eg if she gets one in a party bag etc.

Absolutely not irrational. I was still cutting DD’s grapes when she was 10-11 - her best friend had such a bad choking episode on a grape when she was 9 that it made her terrified to eat for months and that made her really ill.

My kids are almost 14 and 11 and if I'm popping grapes or tomatoes in their packed lunch, I still cut them!

Those lollies though - hate them. I have visions of them falling down the stairs, or running with them in their mouth and all sorts of trauma happening. Let alone the sugar aspect.

She sounds completely irresponsible and not someone I'd trust to look after a small child responsibly.

Is she your Husband's mum or your mum?

It might be easier if she's your mum to say how you feel.

It's not really tricky, you're the parent and you need to take control.
The grandmother is not behaving responsibly and you need to deal with it.

YDNBU I take these bloody lollies off my kids (party bags always seem to include them!) and I have gone to war with my mum over the grapes thing.

it’s just such a stupid avoidable thing for a kid to die of. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I were the adult that gave the kid the thing they choked on!

Surely you must know YANBU....ALL of the above are dangerous....and the fact she is STILL giving your daughter major choking hazard foods when you've asked her not to, and told her the risks shows what sort of person she is.Nothing is clouding your judgement, because the risks are real, and you know that first hand, so WHY are you still leaving your precious child with this woman?? Especially after the changing table incident!! That surely should have been enough to never trust her again.
Protect your child!! Stand up for what you know is right and stop putting an adults's feelings before your child's safety.

especially as DD's grandma was a nurse (many years ago) and prides herself on being wonderful with children.

One of my Grandmothers was a nurse. She was a wonderful grandmother but totally irresponsible. Under her watch I fell from a tree into a canal, one of my cousins fell down her stairs, I fell through a glass door, another cousin got a nasty burn from being allowed to light the sitting room fire and so on. By the time I was 5, she'd taught me how to play roulette (proper wheel) and numerous card games. We adored her but with looking back as an adult I don't think I would have allowed her free unsupervised access to my kids (luckily she was too old by the time they were born).

From what you've said, I would be saying no to unsupervised visits. I still cut my 8 and 5 year olds grapes up (and apples, cherry tomatoes etc). I did a first aid course last year and I asked the paramedic teaching it when roughly its okay to stop. She said she still cuts up her 10 year oldest.

No it's not!

She's your child and your Mother or MiL is only thinking of themselves.

You're a grown up and a parent

Put your foot down!