...to not want DD to eat these lollies?

[WorriedAboutEntertaining]

DD is 3.5 and her grandma keeps giving her these little lollies. I've asked her not to, as I have a horrible memory of my little brother choking on a lolly when he was 4 and my mum having to do the Heimlich manoeuvre on him.

DD's grandma also gives DD whole grapes, mini eggs and other things that really stress me out. I'm trying to be rational but my gut feeling is that I'd rather DD didn't have these things just yet - I still cut up grapes, for example.

Am I being irrational? Is DD old enough for these lollies? I think I might be letting my childhood memory cloud my judgement. DD's grandma thinks I'm being silly but she has been very cavalier with DD at times (leaving her alone on a changing table when she was a baby, DD rolled off; occasional things like that).

My son is 11. I'm a well seasoned mum now as my 11 year old is my youngest. And I still cut his grapes when packing him a lunch for school. I do it with my much older kids too if I'm making them up a lunch or picnic. Better safe than sorry. I learned this after DD1 had to be saved twice from choking over her first 6 years.

If you can easily avoid choking risks without losing out then do so. There's a million other less choke-able sweets out there. Get the mum and gran told. Take the unsuitable sweets and uncut grapes away and tell them "no more". (politely but firmly)

YANBU, I hate these things and my DD started having them when she was 5 or 6 which I still felt was too young (the school actually gave her one). If she has them now she now's she has to be careful, sit still etc and only if there is an adult around. She's 7 now and gave her mini eggs for the first time this year which might be a bit OTT. When family looked after her when she was younger 'no hard candy' rule was the only one I set

Grandma would be within my sight at all times.
Unbelievable she kept your DD out until 8:30pm without even letting you know all was fine let alone asking if it was ok.
The not cutting grapes is another reason, as is the lollipop.
I'd not allow her alone with DD. You can't trust her.

I think you need to accept that this grandma is not your grandma, she is irresponsible and does not listen to your very sensible safety concerns. I'd reduced solo contact whilst DD is still small and increase it as she gets older and more sulf sufficient.

I explained to my DD at a young age why I didn't like her having those lollies so she understood and when given them in party bags etc would trade them when she got home for something else. So that's something you can look into doing as DD gets older.

If you've asked her not to and explained the health risks and she persists then I would assume she is trying to harm your daughter and not leave them unsupervised

I’m almost expecting you to add that she has an XL Bulldog at home!
You need to work on your boundaries. This is your child’s life, your job is to protect her, not to bend to the will of someone who should, but clearly doesn’t, know better.

I really feel for you, and understand why you are worried, but I will be harsh in the hope that it will help you.

It is your job to keep your child safe.

You are not doing this.

As the parent and an adult, you have to deal with the fallout of standing up to this woman. Your child cannot do this; you need to do it for them.

I don’t mean any pleas to stop this behaviour. You have to tell her she will not have any unsupervised access to your child until you are convinced she no longer ignores your parenting wishes.

The fallout is one of the costs and roles of being a mother. Embrace it.

I know it is hard, but think of the bigger picture, and good luck.

You’re approaching the age where kids go to parties by themselves. They absolutely need to know how to eat all of those things safely

Can you and DD not tell grandma she really likes a different type of sweet instead? Like chocolate buttons or something not so chokey.

If the woman is anything like my mother, any hint that you don't like something, she'll do it more but if DD says, "my mummy doesn't like me having chocolate" it should do the trick.

You know you don’t have to agree for your child to be at grandmas alone, right?

Just say no, because she’s not listening and not caring for your child properly. Let her get upset. She doesn’t care if you are upset does she?

Primaries expect children's grapes to cut. Don't let your memory cloud your judgement and be too lax...I would actually stop her going if this woman can not be sensible.

Thank you. I will be stronger and advocate for my daughter.

I think part of the issue is that I'm not a very confident mum and tend to defer to others' judgement - especially as DD's grandma was a nurse (many years ago) and prides herself on being wonderful with children.

I'm absolutely going to be setting clear boundaries now.

You need to just tell her firmly.
DS5 is still not allowed those lollies, grapes and cherry tomatoes are still cut up unless I'm sat right next to him and can teach him to bite it first which is what we're working on now.

Yanbu. About any of it. I would personally put limits on the one to one time she spends with your dd if she can’t be trusted.

That's not really acceptable. DD is YOUR daughter and granny needs to do what you say. Added to which, deliberately being secretive about where she is going or what she is doing with DD is a bit odd. I would be curtailing the out-of-house visits straightaway. Granny comes to your house, or you take DD to granny's house when convenient for you, and you stay there for the duration of the visit.

Having a good relationship with granny us important, but granny needs to respect you as the parent.

YADNBU! X

She seems to want to take over a bit doesnt she? I would say pack her a little lunch box with cut grapes ,Sandwiches etc.Also say you are worried about DDs teeth as well! No lollies.My DF was very teeth aware also ,and I remember he and DGM disageeing on some Honeycombs she bought me at the beach.Lots of sweets were off limits ,but pleased now as mid 50s and mostly in good nick!

So DD's grandma is DP's mum?

If you're talking about your own mum then it's utterly bizarre that the woman is still giving out lollies after having to do the Heimlich manoeuvre on her own son!

I think you need to be firmer and less worried about upsetting her. Your daughter's safety comes first.

The thing that would worry me most (to the point of not allowing her out far the next time) would be the 8:30 return, not answering messages etc.

I would say that she can only see your DD when she is with you. She needs to understand it’s not her right to spend time with her grandchild and if she can’t be trusted with their safety then she can’t have her alone.

My DS is nearly 6 and he now understands why we don’t let him have these, he’s allowed plenty of other sweets.

Yeah, I think if she can’t follow simple safety based requests, the days out without you have to stop. Keep it to a few hours if you must or just have her visit when you’re all around. If you can’t trust her then that’s the end of it.

I consider myself a quite relaxed parent but those lollies and the small bouncy balls which are exactly the right size to obstruct an airway go straight into the bin. TBH I am surprised they’re still being sold.

All these things? OPhas only mentioned two? Are uncut grapes a common party food? I also can’t understand why parents would put these lollies in party bag.

Everyone to there own our 1 year old twins and 3 year old eat grapes or whatever whole all the time. Sweets tho they barely ever get

Good point!

Same! Who cares if her feelings are hurt? She's not doing as you ask. You're the parents. If she wants to see your daughter then she needs to follow your parenting rules! I'd be RAGING at her attitude.

YANBU