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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad about DMs 'work' done to face

85 replies

Spottypineapple · 08/07/2023 21:42

Preface by saying her body her choice , of course.

DM is mid 60s. Lives several hours away so don't see her frequently.

Seen her recently and she was keeping her sunglasses on a lot..odd. But then I noticed terrible bruising and stitches in her hairline, and bruises under her chin as well. Clearly something very surgical and explains the sunglasses!

Anyway, she looks totally different. She doesn't have a warm smile and kind eyes anymore. She looks stern and angry, and a bit like she's just found a hair in her food. It's hard to describe.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this? Or is it just because she's my mum and other people wouldn't notice. I haven't and won't say this to her btw, as obviously it's her choice and if she feels good about it herself I suppose that's what matters.

OP posts:
frootie · 08/07/2023 21:49

I would hate it OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

YallaYallaaa · 08/07/2023 21:50

Not unreasonable at all - sounds awful. Sorry OP.

5128gap · 08/07/2023 21:53

If she's still got bruising and stitches it's very early days after a major trauma to her face, so she wont always look like that. Her skin will be sore and taut making it difficult to form her usual expressions, hence the resting stern face. She'll soften up when she's healed.

PermanentTemporary · 08/07/2023 21:56

Yeah I'd feel sad at my beautiful Mum feeling she wanted to change herself. Hope it settles all right and you all get used to it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/07/2023 22:00

Imagine it will all relax a bit and she will look like her old self soonish but younger. Trickier if it been more radical/less tailored I guess but it sounds like v early days.

if it makes her feel more confident it's relatively harmless I guess

I understand your consternation. But what is done is done, there is little to be gained now from anything other then you look amazing.?

Catusrusty · 08/07/2023 22:02

It's so sad that women feel so much pressure not to age

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/07/2023 22:04

It's probably going to settle down soon and won't be so drastic.

I agree looking at a changed face can be disconcerting, depending how much it has changed.

bellac11 · 08/07/2023 22:07

I want a face lift. I keep wondering what I would look like if I had one

Probably never be able to afford it so perhaps I dont need to worry!

Mrsjayy · 08/07/2023 22:08

Your not being unreasonable your mum's face isn't her own, you might get used to it but more Than likely not which Is a shame.

Someone close to me has injectables In her face and of course it's her face to do what she wants, I find it unnerving it's like looking at a different person.

willWillSmithsmith · 08/07/2023 22:15

Catusrusty · 08/07/2023 22:02

It's so sad that women feel so much pressure not to age

Pressure from whom though (if you’re not a celebrity). Who is pressuring this non-famous woman in her sixties to have facial surgery?

MrsElsa · 08/07/2023 22:20

Sorry but I think YABU, good for her. Modern facelifts can look really good and fairly subtle.

Summerfun54321 · 08/07/2023 22:23

Just support your mum, she's made a big decision and there's no going back.

bellac11 · 08/07/2023 22:24

willWillSmithsmith · 08/07/2023 22:15

Pressure from whom though (if you’re not a celebrity). Who is pressuring this non-famous woman in her sixties to have facial surgery?

Show quote history

How old are you?

I said things like this when I was younger.

Now Im old and I dont want to be. I dont want to see my face year year getting more saggy, skin more crepey. It just isnt nice and anyone pretending it is are delusional. Thats not to say that anyone 'must' or should do something about it, but the reality is, I like the idea of a little lift and a bit of tightness. Theres no cream or exercie that will achieve that, that is more delusion.

Menopause has really exacerbated it. I was very young looking (down to having a fat face), then menopause hit and it was like looking at someone 20 years older, it was incredible how quick the change was to my skin. Ive now lost a lot of weight and theres a lot of skin!!!

So I dont feel pressured by anyone in particular, Im not on social media, Im not high maintenance so not into the make up and grooming stuff (never needed it), I just dont like it for myself.

My OH also doesnt like all his saggy skin and getting older looking but he probably only says that to me, no way would he talk about that anywhere, I think thats the case for lots of men

MiniCooperLover · 08/07/2023 22:25

Maybe she just wants to feel better for herself as she's only in her mid 60s (so not elderly etc) and as she doesn't see you often didn't feel comfortable discussing it with you. She's not obliged to and it'll prob settle down but not overly your business

ArthurPoppy · 08/07/2023 22:26

Hopefully when she’s healed she might look more her old self.

Mischance · 08/07/2023 22:28

Catusrusty · 08/07/2023 22:02

It's so sad that women feel so much pressure not to age

Oh yes - I so agree with that. I have marionette lines, but no wrinkles yet - but as I said to a friend the other day: "If people don't like how I look, they have the option to look the other way!"

I used to work in photography and some of my best portraits were of elderly women with wrinkly faces full of character.

StellaJohanna · 08/07/2023 22:31

I understand OP - I love my mother's face.

Theos · 08/07/2023 22:32

I thought you were talking about Davina McCall

Gowlett · 08/07/2023 22:34

I work with a lot of women from the USA. Anyone over 50, with money (these are wealthy clients) have work done. It never looks right… And I often find that they study my face, trying to work out what age I am. Aging obviously concerns them greatly (considering they had the surgery done).

Bluebells1970 · 08/07/2023 22:37

YANBU. My Mum has had some work done and truthfully it looks awful.

It does on everyone that gets it done, in spite of their self congratulation that no one can tell....

Meanoldlady · 08/07/2023 22:37

This must have been such a shock if she didn't tell you about it. I think anyone would be a bit upset about it.
It will settle, her bruising will go down and scarring will be minimal, likely covered easily with normal make up. She'll have much more movement in her face too. Give it a bit of time. It's been a huge thing for her to do she must be worrying about everyone's reactions.

Gowlett · 08/07/2023 22:37

Gotta agree about menopause. My face has started sliding off… So, I can see why women do it, for sure.

WTF99 · 08/07/2023 22:45

Just because she's your mum OP doesn't mean she's not also.a minx. I'm sure her face will look great once it's settled down. Take off your judgey pants!

electriclight · 08/07/2023 22:45

I think it's easy to scoff or shake your head sadly if it hasn't happened to you yet.

We all want to age gracefully and have everything crossed that we'll do it like Helen Mirren or other fabulous people.

And then suddenly you don't recognise yourself any more. It can happen very suddenly. You don't want photos taken and you know friends who haven't seen you for ages are shocked.

If you've got the cash and do your research, why not. Nobody tells women over 50 what they can wear any more, or how to wear their hair, but surgery is still seen as vanity or cheating, and fair game.

OP, your mums surgery was very recent so wait for it to settle down.

And to people saying you can always tell - no you can't. I know several people who look fantastic and nobody would ever notice. You notice the ones who overdid it or didn't use a good practitioner.

ItStopsHere · 08/07/2023 22:57

People say it looks obvious, but that's only because you don't notice the ones that have the decent work done.

A friend who I only see a couple of times a year came to stay recently, she looked well. Not youthful as such, just glowy and alert. She'd been on holiday and her kids have flown the nest, so I just assumed it was lack of stress. She eventually confessed to a bit of botox and she uses some kind of sound wave, light up thingy🤷‍♀️. It's totally not on my radar, as I'm skint and don't even go to the hairdressers! But she looked good.

I'm at the face sliding off due to menopause stage, I always thought I'd be chill about aging, but now I'm here, I'm surprisingly not chill. And it's not social pressure, it's just looking in the mirror.