Sad about DMs 'work' done to face

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Preface by saying her body her choice , of course.

DM is mid 60s. Lives several hours away so don't see her frequently.

Seen her recently and she was keeping her sunglasses on a lot..odd. But then I noticed terrible bruising and stitches in her hairline, and bruises under her chin as well. Clearly something very surgical and explains the sunglasses!

Anyway, she looks totally different. She doesn't have a warm smile and kind eyes anymore. She looks stern and angry, and a bit like she's just found a hair in her food. It's hard to describe.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this? Or is it just because she's my mum and other people wouldn't notice. I haven't and won't say this to her btw, as obviously it's her choice and if she feels good about it herself I suppose that's what matters.

If you think Helen Mirran hasn't had a facelift then you're deluded!

If she’s still bruised its early days, you’ll get used to it. Try to be happy for her!

I would certainly consider a facelift when I’m older. I hope she’s pleased with the result!

Yanbu x

I voted YANBU, but I actually think you are being unreasonable to have Seen her recently and she was keeping her sunglasses on a lot..odd. But then I noticed terrible bruising and stitches in her hairline, and bruises under her chin as well. Clearly something very surgical and explains the sunglasses and not said anything
I mean, surely a natural first reaction would be "Mum, what's happened?" if you saw you Mum for the first time in a while and she was bruised and had stitches in her face.
It would be bizarre to spend time with her and pretend there was nothing to see.

If it is still fresh/unhealed it will look better as it heals and the swelling goes down. I know that rhinoplasty for example often takes a good 6 months to fully heal/settle so it’s early days.

But also YANBU and I feel the same about my mother. It’s frustrating because after decades of dealing with “the dreadful English climate” she up and moved to Southern California permanently years ago. She has access to the best surgeons in the world for this sort of thing but she’s also got that stubborn mindset about not wanting to have “too much work done.”

As a result she’s had random things done here and there and the result isn’t the best. It actually gives me a strange visceral reaction when I see pictures of her now as she doesn’t look like the same person, or doesn’t look how I expect and then it gives me a jolt? Like I don’t recognize my mother in her anymore at first glance or something like that. It’s a really bizarre and unsettling feeling. I wish she’d just go all in if she’s going to dabble with surgical procedures because I think she’d be happier with the outcome but she’s the sort that never admits to anything anyway so I just try not to look too surprised when I see her. 😔

I understand, OP. My DM had a lower face lift in her 60s. It changed her face and it makes me sad that a) she doesn't look like her familiar self and b) that she felt the need to do it. She had it done abroad and didn't tell me until afterwards. If I'd known in advance I'd have tried to talk her out of it. It didn't heal well, she has obvious scarring and I'm still upset that she felt the need to do it at all. Apparently she felt she looked old when she saw a photo of herself with her three year old granddaughter, so decided to do it. Totally fucked up IMO. But that's my DM all over, insecure and vain. I can't change her.

She will still be swollen. Give it three months

When mothers post on mn about an aspect of their grown up child's appearance that they don't like - fillers, tattoos and so on - they're generally told that they're unreasonable, it's nothing to do with them, they're being ridiculous.

It feels as if people are far more sympathetic then to someone who isn't happy when her mother does something to change her appearance. I guess mothers and older women are still expected to behave a certain way and make approved choices. I think people are highly likely to feel differently when they're older and experiencing it for themselves.

I hope you feel better about it when the bruising settles and you can see how much happier and confident your mum is, op.

I don't think you are unreasonable to be sad about the change in her familiar face. But it it far more understandable than the many younger woman with perfectly youthful faces and skin undergoing various treatments , also she is her own person and can make her own decisions so I think you are also BU as well and should support her regarding any worries or insecurities she has and be pleased for her if she is happy. Hope it settles down and she is happy with the result and you get used to it..

IME : The first year there is going to be swelling still and after that it gets back to new normal. It hurts like hell for weeks and you will swear you are never ever going to do that again . But after about 8 years you notice the jowls coming back and you see celebs on tv who are your age but look 40 and then you look up the surgeons details again. You just hope that they can tidy up your loose skin without making you look faux, like they did the first time. But it's a risk and you know it fucking hurts so you write the email but still not hit 'send '. Most of the time you feel ok but when you are a photo of yourself and you look ancient and tired, when you used to be young and fresh.
I think until aging happens to you, you simply won't get this .

Hugs to your mum .

It'll settle down with time. I know someone who looked extremely different after multiple cosmetic surgeries but about 6 months to a year it was wayyyy better.

It really is and tbh much of the shaming about ageing comes from other women.

Oh to be so blind to how the structures and cultures we operate in influence us all.

You only have to spend 5 minutes in style and beauty to see this in action. Hair styles ageing shoes ageing every woman over 40 aged.

Thats because while there's a lot of pressure from one direction not to age, there's a lot of pressure, sadly from other women, to stay in your lane and age properly. Expectations on older women from many women roughly fall into two categories: rosy cheeked comfy grandma, defined by her mum role forever; or wise, elegant role model, demonstrating that it's somehow possible to embrace aging (the steely pixie crop, stylish clothes and crinkly eye parts anyway) while remaining naturally beautiful. Thus proving that the future can be faced with optimism and without out the need for costly, painful and somewhat vulgar tinkering.
Any deviation from this causes great consternation, and judgement directed at the vain, pathetic, insecure, sad old women who are doing aging wrong.
Our youth fetishism means we are prepared to embrace the choices of the young as the right ones (who wants to show their shameful age by disliking what the important people do?) but older women are obligated to live their lives in the way that suits everyone else.

Do not say anything.

Do not make it about you.

If she mentions it, say, "I love you whatever you look like".

Such a good post

My dm is 70 and if she had a face lift or whatever I'd be cheering her on.Nothing wrong with wanting to look more youthful as you age as long as its subtle and the surgeon is a good one.
I'm 43 and I've had bits of botox it makes me feel good.I don't look 30 but I don't look haggard that's for sure.

I know, I find it hilarious that she is wheeled out as some 'how to age gracefully' icon - she may have let her hair go grey, and kept a few wrinkles around her eyes, but she has absolutely had work done on her jawline. It's just good quality work.

And that's the thing, people think that it's wrinkles that age you, but really its when your face shape changes because of laxity and volume loss. It must be hard to look in the mirror and not really recognise yourself anymore.

OP, you don't agree with your mothers choices - fair enough, but it's not really your business. Just like it's not really my business that my friend has covered his arms with ugly tattoos...

Absolutely this. I said upthread Im thinking of a facelift in the next few years, might not be able to afford it or be brave enough enough, but the reason is not wrinkles, I have some around my turkey neck but the rest of my face is smooth. Its the hanging, slidey off face look that I cant stand.

The whole issue stems from the idea that youth equals beauty and age equals ugliness. I do not subscribe to that view. To say that someone looks old is interpreted as an insult.... why is that?

Its likely she is still swollen.

I'm early 60's and I feel like this too. I don't want to feel that way, but I am starting to feel a bit invisible, and it's tough. I can tell myself all I like about my qualities, skills, and contributions to the world. Unfortunately the world still rewards/reacts to us better for looking more youthful. Sad but true

I think it does look cross at the beginning, but if well done will look fantastic once healed, and like her old face but slightly better.

I don't know, but its pretty hard wired. Even those of us who believe age doesn't equate to ugly, when asked for our examples, invariably cite older women who have retained a great many youth signifiers alongside their crinkly eyes. Slim elegant bodies, thick healthy (albeit maybe greying) hair, good bone structure that keeps skin roughly in its place, nice teeth...
I've yet to see anyone claim that square sagging bodies, scalps showing through thinning hair, permanent frowns from forehead wrinkles, miserable expression caused by mouth droop and yellowing teeth are beautiful and I doubt that will change any time soon.
If you have good health, good genes and good raw material to work with, aging can be kind. For many women however this simply isn't the case, and their choices come down to not caring (the ideal) or paying to do something about it.