Sad about DMs 'work' done to face

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Preface by saying her body her choice , of course.

DM is mid 60s. Lives several hours away so don't see her frequently.

Seen her recently and she was keeping her sunglasses on a lot..odd. But then I noticed terrible bruising and stitches in her hairline, and bruises under her chin as well. Clearly something very surgical and explains the sunglasses!

Anyway, she looks totally different. She doesn't have a warm smile and kind eyes anymore. She looks stern and angry, and a bit like she's just found a hair in her food. It's hard to describe.

AIBU to feel a bit sad about this? Or is it just because she's my mum and other people wouldn't notice. I haven't and won't say this to her btw, as obviously it's her choice and if she feels good about it herself I suppose that's what matters.

You’re absolutely entitled to feel sad but by the same token, your mum is absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her own face. It sounds like your Mum had something quite drastic.
Theres a lot of hate in general for cosmetic procedures but most are so subtle you wouldn’t notice

Did neither of you speak about it?

This was my thought! If my mum turned up with scars on her face I'd ask about it. Equally, if I had cuts and bruises I'd give whoever I was meeting a heads up so they wouldn't speculate. That might have been a chance for her to reassure you that it would settle and soften once healed

Not true , i know a couple of people had it done . They looked refreshed . They still look like themselves. Trick is finding a good surgeon.

Excellent posts @5128gap

Unless, when you were young say in your 20s, you longed for weight gain, mottled skin, thinning hair, wrinkles, sagging and jowls, it is disingenuous to imply that ageing is anything other than looking worse. Obviously, it happens to everyone and shouldn't be reviled. But I really don't see what's wrong with wanting to feel and look your best. For those that can afford it, that might mean some cosmetic surgery and good luck to them. I have no intention of being proud or accepting of anything about myself that I don't like and could change. Certainly not because other people like looking at the sagging face that's making me sad.

Its completely disingenuous to make out you dont understand why people dont want to look old or older than they were. Of course young people look better, of course tight skin/bodies look better. Thats not to say older people dont or cant look good, but if it was so desirable to look like a lot of 'aging' effects make you look, how come cosmetic procedures dont aim to make people look more saggy, age spots, frowny, thin lipped?

Why arent they the procedures of choice for 20 and 30 somethings?

I do find that people live in some sort of fantasy land, particularly on the internet. Humans prize youth, fertility, sexual attraction, strength etc. Its normal and natural to some degree that at the societal and individual level, the signs of anything that shows you dont have youth, fertility, sexual attraction and strength is not going to be desirable. Its normal.

Thats not to say that older people should be disregarded, (we tend to treat older people very badly in the west generally speaking). But thats not the same as recognising that to be older and look older is not a desirable thing.

Sorry if this has been said already but if we take the view that what's done is done and the only kind thing to do is tell the person they look great, it just perpetuates the whole money-spinning, ageist nonsense.
A very close friend had injectables at 60 and she looked awful. Luckily she never asked the rest of the group what we though but would we really have said she looked bad?

I think a lot of the problem is that many procedures don't make the person look younger - they just make them look weird.

Exactly! What is surprising about someone not enjoying looking old. No question, there can be more insidious pressure on women in the sense of there being a starker contrast in how you are treated at different ages compared to men. But let’s face it, if we could keep our faces as they are at 25, 30 or whatever, I think most of us would.

I met a lady in her 50s recently who could have passed for 35 (black skin with lots of protective melanin) and I don’t think she was sad about it.

Bravo!

Well that surely depends on whats happened

The thick duck lips neither look younger nor better, but its a 'look' that girls want, like getting a new handbag or shoes, its just a look/fashion so its not designed to look younger

Someone like Helen Mirren or Joannah Lumley must have had some work, but they dont look weird. They might not even look younger than they would have if they hadnt had the work done (no one will ever know), but they might look better and they might feel better.

If I could look as good as either of them at that age Id be happy, even if I didnt look 'younger' as such.

Lol Helen Mirren has definitely had a facelift – you can tell the way her wrinkles go horizontally toward the side of her face.

She looks great for it, it’s well executed, good for her.

I would be devastated if my mother did this, with such a change in her appearance. My mother has a lovely smile and never looks angry.

You sound honestly horrid. Your attitude towards your mum is unpleasant. Sorry.

when i was in my thirties i said i was goi g to age naturally.

then my hair started to go grey early and it does not suit me. it just doesn't. so i dye it.

over lockdown all the teams meetings made me realise that i both frown a lot and have massive wrinkles along my frown line. so i botox.

both of these things make me feel better.

if i could go back i would tell myself that there is no one way of growing old gracefully - and natural is not always best.

I am old. My face is aging. I don't find it saddening or depressing, it's interesting.

I do feel very sorry for women who feel that way though. It must be dreadful to be so unhappy about the natural aging process and to have your identity and sense of well-being so bound up in your looks.

Well observed

Unfortunately 'work' never makes anyone look younger. It just makes them look like an older person who's had work done. I'd rather spend the money on treats.

When I was about eight, I burst into tears at the mere suggestion from my mum that she might dye her hair. I didn't want my mummy to change.

Obviously now I'm a grown up my perspective has changed but I certainly know what you mean OP. I'd be very sad too.

Does your mum like her new look at least?

lol

I take it you dont own any mirrors, wear a hessian sack and never have your hair cut.

Because thats how I live and I really feel sorry for women (dont care about the men) who feel the need to have their hair done, wear nice clothes and have their identity and sense of belonging so bound up in their looks.

YANBU OP, but on the other hand it's early days so perhaps your DM's face will look better over time. I can totally understand how you feel though. A close friend of mine recently had a lot of treatment/"tweaks" done, when I saw her, her face seem "frozen" and so strange. We chatted, but it was harder to communicate as she had zero expression. Hope it gets better for your DM soon.

Well it's certainly a subject that splitting opinions....

Tbh I always thought I might be tempted by a FL in the future, but as I've got older its actually something I wouldn't do.

I'm an each to their own kind of person and if cosmetic surgery makes someone feel better then good for them.

That said the one reason I've changed my mind is a friend who spent £££ on a FL with a leading surgeon. Was after the whole "natural but better vibe" - looks great for her age type result.

She doesn't look younger or better. She just looks different in a way that's hard to articulate. It's not a "worse" look but it can be a bit jarring even two plus years on.

It's made her feel good about herself, but I know her DH preferred her "old" face - even though he'd never say that to her (nor would her friends). It's sort of a bit like Renee Zellweger if you get my drift. If you'd never met her before the FL you'd probably think she looked fine.

I suppose what's a bit sad is she believes we all think she looks fantastic - when really we just think she looks a weirdly bit different and had work done (though you probably wouldn't necessarily assume it was surgery if you met her for the first time).

Still it can't be undone so no point bursting her bubble. Though I do wonder how many people having had a FL and recommend it to others, do so partly because "everyone" says how great they look.

She's certainly taken one for the team in our social circle though.

All of us who might have thought about it have backed off the idea - especially as she had a supposedly Rolls Royce procedure.

What did she have out of interest

The few searches Ive done to try and look at what one can have, have been utterly overwhelming, all different names for similar procedures so I cant tell whats what

I wouldnt know how to go about choosing a surgeon, presumably all the ones where it doesnt look so good, the patient carefully chose the surgeon?

I think what would bother me is you could go to 10 different highly recommended surgeons and no matter how good they are, each one would leave you looking slightly different. That’s kind of a weird thought.