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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband home when I’m 36 weeks pregnant.

88 replies

Mrsmozza123 · 08/07/2023 17:18

So, Hubby is ex military and does a lot of work with the reserves. There is one particular exercise he does in the artic that he loves and I can really see why, it’s an incredible experience. When he is due to go this time I will be 36 weeks pregnant and we have a 3 year old. It won’t be easy for home to rush home, it takes him 2 days to get there and would be longer to come back at short notice due to flight availability. Also, his phone is usually off grid when he’s there and I’d have an army welfare number to call if there was a lab emergency.

he’s offered to reduce the trip from 3 weeks to 1 and to get his parents to take our child to give me a break, but I’m just worried about being alone already. Our nearest family are 2hs+away. My mum always makes snide comments about him being away with the army as it is and we don’t get on so I wouldn’t want her staying with me. (She also needs more looking after than I would)

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 08/07/2023 17:20

I had my son at 36 weeks, sounds like a terrible idea!

Sapphire387 · 08/07/2023 17:21

YANBU. He sounds selfish.

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 17:24

I’m surprised he’s got any choice about whether he goes or for how long. I thought being in the reserves meant you did as you were told.

YourNameGoesHere · 08/07/2023 17:24

He sounds incredibly selfish. He's about to have a second child he shouldn't be swanning off to the artic for a week and outsourcing childcare to his parents. I can certainly see why your mum makes such comments if this is a common occurrence.

He needs to start acting like he's a father of 2 children and realise that sometimes means missing out so he can put his family first.

Heybearu · 08/07/2023 17:28

No dies he realise baby can easily come then and hed miss the birth? I'd frame it like that rather than you needing support as it might help a bit.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 08/07/2023 17:36

thanks for the replies so far. Just to clarify, he is asking and we are discussing it, he’s not just selfishly announced he’s doing it. It’s also not a holiday.
The reason we are considering it is because he earns quite a lot doing this trip and with another mouth and another maternity leave to cover it’s a dilemma for both of us rather than him just being selfish.
Also, without going into detail he delivers important cold weather training to troops on that trip which could become relevant if things in the east escalate.

but the general consensus confirms my hunch. I’d feel really vulnerable and it’s probably not a great idea.

OP posts:
NorthernNut · 08/07/2023 17:41

I think you and him both need to weigh up how you will both be left feeling if you do give birth while he's away, and is that worth the risk? Could you both live with it if he did miss it? If you couldn't then I'm not sure the risk is worth it x

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 08/07/2023 17:41

@YourNameGoesHere im not sure if you’d call what he does swanning off.
He uses his annual leave from his day job to do additional (very hard) work with the army to support the family. It’s also quite vital work he does

Im usually the one having a lovely time with my son whilst he in a muddy field doing drills earning our next holiday.

OP posts:
HopefulP · 08/07/2023 17:44

@Mrsmozza123
Go with your gut feeling, you will both decide the best outcome for your expanding family ❤️‍🩹 X

SaltyGod · 08/07/2023 17:45

It’s 1 week and at 36 weeks you’re likely to be some time off giving birth. Personally I’d enjoy the week of peace and quiet if my 3yr old was off being looked after by grandparents.

Plus it sounds as if the money would be useful. It’s work, not a jolly.

Of course what I think doesn’t matter, I’m not the heavily pregnant person and your wishes should come above his in this circumstance

MavisMarch · 08/07/2023 17:47

Given the extra money will give you more stability and the training exercise is important to others. I would arrange a douala or similar to be available and arrange childcare options in advance. Is there anyone your older child could stay with for those few days whether you go into labour or not so then you wouldn't have to worry about childcare should you go into labour over that period?

redskytwonight · 08/07/2023 17:47

Was your first child early?

I think his compromise of cutting the trip down to one week sounds good.

Joystir59 · 08/07/2023 17:49

Arctic not artic ffs

Holly60 · 08/07/2023 17:52

Also, without going into detail he delivers important cold weather training to troops on that trip which could become relevant if things in the east escalate.

He is skiing, right?! 😂😂😂

I would just be worried I'd go into labour and he'd miss it. I think on balance I'd suggest not this time but go the next time to balance it out.

CatsOnTheChair · 08/07/2023 17:53

Is that leaving when you are 36 weeks, or getting back when you are 36 weeks?

Him away when you are 33-36 weeks I'd probably suggests he goes.

36-37 up for debate.

36-39 weeks isn't feasible, imo.

Babdoc · 08/07/2023 17:55

Only 7% of babies arrive between 34 and 36 weeks, and 26% between 37 and 38 weeks. 57.5% arrive between weeks 39 to 41.
Of the 26%, some will be elective sections for health reasons such as pre-eclampsia, malpresentation, placenta praevia etc.
The odds are fairly good that you wouldn’t deliver the week DH was away, but it’s up to you if you want to chance it. If you have back up - the PILs to provide child care etc, I would think it perfectly reasonable to let him go.

alittleadvicepls · 08/07/2023 17:56

I’d let him go for a week. If you’ve had no signs of Braxton hicks, no losing mucous plug, bloody show, cramps then I don’t see you going into labour at 36 weeks. Get your midwife to check your cervix before he goes if that makes you feel better. I gave birth to my first alone and it was fine.

MrsCarson · 08/07/2023 17:56

Both mine arrived at 37 weeks, I'd still be nervous about him being away at 36 weeks.

YourNameGoesHere · 08/07/2023 17:57

Mrsmozza123 · 08/07/2023 17:41

@YourNameGoesHere im not sure if you’d call what he does swanning off.
He uses his annual leave from his day job to do additional (very hard) work with the army to support the family. It’s also quite vital work he does

Im usually the one having a lovely time with my son whilst he in a muddy field doing drills earning our next holiday.

It is swanning off though, he's going because he enjoys the activity and the location and whilst the extra money would be nice he's not going because he needs to go and I suspect if it was boring bog standard training elsewhere he'd be quick to say he couldn't do it because his wife was heavily pregnant and he needed to parent his 3 year old.

I'm sure there will be plenty of other opportunities for him to earn more money but in my opinion on this occasion it would be much wiser to support his family by being at home.

Wildlyboring · 08/07/2023 18:00

Hmm would he be going when you're 36 weeks or back at 36 weeks? Mine have all been born due date and beyond but I'll be honest I get twitchy when my husband plays golf after 37 weeks so him being off the grid in the Arctic would be really stressful for me.

Goldfoot · 08/07/2023 18:04

I think that's quite a drip feed actually. If the work is important and paid, I think he should go. If it was his full time job, there'd be no question.

sleepyscientist · 08/07/2023 18:08

Do you have an alternative birthing partner near by? Honestly if the money is to be used for say a family holiday during your maternity I would take the small risk of him missing the birth, loads of military families have births without the father present.

GameOverBoys · 08/07/2023 18:09

Who would look after you child if you go into labour and he’s not there?

stripydungarees · 08/07/2023 18:12

My partner is also in the reserves and we agreed he wouldn’t do anything except things in our home city with them from 35 weeks until 10 weeks after birth, after all it’s all voluntary to sign up to. (Although extra money!) We have a preschooler too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want him to not go to the arctic!

WonderfulUsername · 08/07/2023 18:12

sleepyscientist · 08/07/2023 18:08

Do you have an alternative birthing partner near by? Honestly if the money is to be used for say a family holiday during your maternity I would take the small risk of him missing the birth, loads of military families have births without the father present.

For the sake of a holiday you'd want to risk him missing the birth?

I find that really weird. I mean if it was work he couldn't get out of then fine, but to risk it just for a holiday wouldn't be fine by me.

OP, you need to weigh up how much it would stress you out and then only you can decide.