To want my husband home when I’m 36 weeks pregnant.

[Mrsmozza123]

So, Hubby is ex military and does a lot of work with the reserves. There is one particular exercise he does in the artic that he loves and I can really see why, it’s an incredible experience. When he is due to go this time I will be 36 weeks pregnant and we have a 3 year old. It won’t be easy for home to rush home, it takes him 2 days to get there and would be longer to come back at short notice due to flight availability. Also, his phone is usually off grid when he’s there and I’d have an army welfare number to call if there was a lab emergency.

he’s offered to reduce the trip from 3 weeks to 1 and to get his parents to take our child to give me a break, but I’m just worried about being alone already. Our nearest family are 2hs+away. My mum always makes snide comments about him being away with the army as it is and we don’t get on so I wouldn’t want her staying with me. (She also needs more looking after than I would)

I can’t really weigh into the military wide bit, I’d talk to him about how I’d find it really hard to forgive him if he wasn’t there for our baby being born, and what was the risk of that?

please don’t make a decision on the assumption baby will probably be late. my 1st arrived at 41+5, my 2nd arrived at 41+2, so when my 3rd arrived at 38 weeks I was not especially ready! I think part of it was just being older (38) and more tired with my children and not getting rest.

I think you should say your would prefer him not to, because he could miss the birth and you want him there and because it’s a hard time to be that pregnant especially with a toddler. I would leave the decision up to him. I think it’s fine to say you would rather he didn’t if you haven’t asked him not to before. You have a very valid reason.

He uses his annual leave from his day job to do additional (very hard) work

You might not consider it swanning off, but the point in this context is that you are literally being left alone to hold the baby.

Now is a good time to reset expectations about how your life is going to work together as a family.

Is he going to continue working oTH in order to earn whatever or is his presence more important.

That is surely the presenting issue here

It's cutting it close but if he's back by 37 weeks it should be fine. Plus I doubt you'll be relaxed while he's gone, which we all know is helpful with inducing labour.

Classic MN - how dare you be happy about this?

In you shoes I would formulate a plan that ensured I could spend some quality time with the little one before baby came AND got some time to myself by seeing if in laws would have the toddler for a few days. A week would be perfect for that! Plus, bed to yourself. Always a bonus.

Consider possibility vs probability? Those are 2 different things. If you have a more ambivalent stance towards whether his presence is necessary (though you'd like it) then look at probability % and wage your bet. If you'd actually be gutted if he missed the birth, then even if the probability is only 1% it doesn't matter – there IS a possibility and that's not acceptable to you

The fact that you're 41 slightly alters it for me. I had my second child as an older mother too and found the monitoring process much more intensive. I'm sure that you won't go into labour naturally while he's away, but they're much more likely to do an extra scan, notice slowed growth, act hyper-cautiously and induce early. Also, I assume that you won't be having more children (never say never, but less likely than if you were 31), so this is a unique event.

It just sounds a bit risky. I'd be a bit hurt that he would potentially be missing the birth of his child too. At 38 weeks my DH had to travel just 3.5 hrs away for the day and I felt a little on edge in case I go into labour. Not to mention, it's nice to feel like you're his priority to protect and take care of.

If this pregnancy has otherwise been straightforward, I would be inclined to agree to him going, on the understanding that you both recognise there is a small chance he will miss the birth. The likelihood is that he will make it though.

Could you put plans in place for a friend to be your standby birth partner for that week, or a doula as someone else suggested (assuming the cost doesn't render the earnings from his trip nil)?

Oh, and no way will your midwife agree to examine you at 36 weeks!

Another military wife here. If he definitely can only go for the one week, he should go. Just make sure he has a watertight plan of how and when he is getting back. Then enjoy the peace!

Dh is in the marines. He was away for our dd1 birth. Obviously he couldn't opt out of going to Afghanistan but I don't know about the reserves. Can you choose where and when you go?

My DCs father missed births because he was in the army and had no choice. If he/we had a choice then I would want him to stay. It's a very vulnerable time for all.