To want my husband home when I’m 36 weeks pregnant.

[Mrsmozza123]

So, Hubby is ex military and does a lot of work with the reserves. There is one particular exercise he does in the artic that he loves and I can really see why, it’s an incredible experience. When he is due to go this time I will be 36 weeks pregnant and we have a 3 year old. It won’t be easy for home to rush home, it takes him 2 days to get there and would be longer to come back at short notice due to flight availability. Also, his phone is usually off grid when he’s there and I’d have an army welfare number to call if there was a lab emergency.

he’s offered to reduce the trip from 3 weeks to 1 and to get his parents to take our child to give me a break, but I’m just worried about being alone already. Our nearest family are 2hs+away. My mum always makes snide comments about him being away with the army as it is and we don’t get on so I wouldn’t want her staying with me. (She also needs more looking after than I would)

I had both mine at nearly 42 weeks. With dc1 it would have been a no, straight away. Dc2 if it was just for a week I would say yes, especially knowing how useful extra cash on mat leave is.

@Bluebellsbells he is an instructor rather than attendee and they are struggling to find reservists with his skill set to deliver all the lessons, he does it every year (he did 16 years in specialist regular units so lots of prev experience). Week 1 is the graft of setting up and making local arrangements before all the attendees arrive so they have asked him if he can go to that part as a minimum. I think the shoe is on the other foot in this case. He said no and told them why and they have still tried to find a way to make it work.

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints thanks for defending me. Some people love to man hate without all the facts. I’d be 37 weeks when he got back. I think it’s a borderline date. Later and I’m pretty sure I’d say no.

I think those who haven't lived a military lifestyle find some military mindsets and ways of life hard to understand or comprehend. The fact that he is now ex military and reserves doesn't mean that switch has changed - for either of you.
My DH is ex military, I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant (though I don't have a 3 year old). For a lot of money, and a low risk pregnancy I'd be okay with him going away around 35 weeks. I'd also take gp up on taking the three year old. Use the time to get the house ready, finish your batch cooking etc or just put your feet up and enjoy a week or more of nobody needing you.

I would be fine with it but I agree your on the cusp. Can you have a plan B in place if something was to happen?

I agree, he should go. It's one week as the compromise and he'll be back at 37 weeks. Have an alternative birthing partner on stand by. Worst case scenario, as someone said above, plenty of father's aren't at the birth at all. And in the case of adopted children, there is no lesser bond.
if he was going and leaving you with a toddler, I'd be like, no. But he's not
Enjoy the nesting, have some time for you

Hey @Mrsmozza123! My husband has just left the military, we have a 10mo baby boy. I was in a similar position as you last year!

My husband was sent to Germany then Estonia just as everything with Russia was kicking off.

I went into early labour at 31 weeks, which actually settled down.

However, at 34 weeks I was diagnosed with pre eclampsia, and 3 days later went into actual labour. My mum was with me thankfully, and the conversation with the doctor as she examined me went a little like this:

Dr talking to midwife: 'okay so 3cms dilated, very thin, baby is very low, just sat there, can you call delivery suite?'

Me: 'no he can't come now my husband isn't here!!'

Dr: 'well can someone give him a ring? Don't panic, he' ll get here'

Me: 'he's in the Army! He's 4 hours away by plane!!' crying rather loudly by this point.

Dr: 'Oh bloody hell I didn't realise, someone call him!'

Mum very quickly got him on the phone who got in contact with JCCC. He was granted leave, got home within 12hrs of us calling him. He got to the labour ward, my contractions stopped and I was induced 3 weeks later. Even the labour was only 4 hours long.

I appreciate you probably don't need all the context above but as a fellow military wife I thought it might resonate 😂

Only you know what you're comfortable with, but even though I'm a midwife I was shitting myself at the time it would take, and how unpredictable pregnancy and labour can be.

Again I would say whatever you’re comfortable with. As someone who had a 27 wheeler out of nowhere however, odds mean nothing to me 🤣

*weeker

Thanks to those of you who pointed out that it can be hard to comprehend the mentality of a military wife. I get it, if you haven’t lived it it seems like they are just leaving and being selfish. I hadn’t thought what a difference that perspective makes before I posted on here.

it’s a confusing set of emotions, I hate him going sometimes but at the same time I respect and admire his commitment to a greater cause. What he does has become so important to me too.
I think that’s why my mum doesn’t understand as I mentioned. She just sees me left alone, she doesn’t see what hes doing and how important it is to both of us. And she definitely doesn’t understand how hurtful it is to criticise me for letting him go when I’m often conflicted about it.
A few people, like my sister say they admire me which is lovely.

One plus side however… it would be a week of the bed to myself when I’m the size of a whale.

I don’t think he should go.

I had a similar discussion about dh going to Glastonbury when I was at a similar stage (booked before I got pregnant), I agreed he could go as long as he’d drive straight back at any point if needed. This is rather different

Your mum needs to stop criticising you for letting him go. You're not your husband's keeper and your mum's attitude isn't helping in a difficult situation.

If she's interested in helping then she needs to keep her opinions to herself and focus on what her daughter needs.

If you're having no complications, he'd be back by 37 weeks and the money will help the family then him going would make sense. If you're not comfortable with that and/or the money is not a big enough reward then tell him you need him home.

I think in your situation I would be ok with him going for one week so he gets back as you turn 37 weeks. In fact I had a similar situation (for very different reasons) in that my DH needed to be away when I was heavily pregnant with DC2 and I live in a different country to my family so had no close support nearby. We discussed and agreed he went for 2 weeks when I was 35 weeks but came home on the day I turned 37 weeks. It was hard work coping with a toddler on my own for 2 weeks when heavily pregnant, but it was doable and he really did need to make the trip.

Fellow army wife here and also pregnant with second! I’d let him go personally. The pull of having the bed to myself and doing/eating whatever I want would be too hard to resist 😂

Totally agree!

Based off your post and @YourNameGoesHere's amazing mind reading that he just wants a holiday, I think people here really assume the worst of men.

Try reversing the genders as it's often a common dilemma for me (UK/Asia).

I really do want to bring in a lucrative amount for my family and children. It's gutting to miss certain family things and have husband prop it all up, but there is a chance the project could finish early and I could be back in time – a win win. Birth seems like such a no brainer "you HAVE to be there", but there's also a fair chance of a win win in terms of timing.

So, genuine dilemma, risk calculation needed which is what they're mutually discussing, OP is seeking helpful comments. I think she found the statistics useful.

Btw yes I enjoy my challenging and exciting work, and find mental stimulation and fulfillment in it, but that doesn't mean I just want to fuck off on some kind of tropical holiday! Many people are well paid and enjoy their work, how dare they.

And just to add on, I'm hardly doing work at a national level, I am literally just out to make lots of money while enjoying the challenge. For the couple in question here, having shared ideals about the wider value of his work makes the dilemma even more of a dilemma

My Army wive mindset is saying.. thats life. Because we all know its Job first, family second... but that the job will make effort to get them there if physically possible. But its Reserves not full on Atmy, so it is more optional.

DH missed DD2s birth by two weeks. But it was deployment and I knew it was likely from a few weeks pregnant. I had my back up plans. long term... it hasn't mattered. Dd2 is very much a Daddy's girl at 10yo. Its what support you need with your toddler

GmHave a plan B of someone who can support you through Labour.

My number 2 arrived at 38 weeks. He is cutting it fine, I wouldn't be happy.

I guess it depends on how you feel doing labour alone, if you have support to care for your lo and how dad feels missing it ....I guess as he's going at 36 weeks for a few weeks and it's number 2 he is very likely to miss it.
Only you both can weigh it up

My Dad was somewhere in the Mojave desert when I was born. It was a very long time ago, illustrated by the fact he was sent a telex to indicate my arrival, but he managed to celebrate with a local Native American family who sent some little hand made moccasins for me and a native blessing which I still have.

Anyway, I digress. At the time my mum was of a similar age to you. Dad did the odd foreign contract because the money was so good. They knew if he took that one he’d probably not be back in the UK for my birth so they weighed up money vs support. Of course this was in the 70s when men at the birth wasn’t the experience it is now, but between them they decided my mum had the support of my Nan and other family around her and so he went.

I don’t think either regretted the choice. His celebrations at the time became a bit legendary, but the money gave us all a better start as a family.

I think for you it’s probably gut instinct, would you be happy to do this without him there? How useful is that money? Because if it’s to fund a week in Tenerife then you may prefer the emotional support.
not an easy decision to make. Take care.

If it’s just the one week then I think that’s doable. Do you have someone who could be with you for the birth/look after your DC if you were to go into labour when he is away?

Yanbu especially as you have an older child to take care of too

This.
If you get on well with your in-laws, and you are comfortable, then I would be happy with my dh going.
I have no idea about your finances, obviously, but the extra money would be useful for most people at the moment.
It is statistically unlikely that you will give birth before he is home.

I'd let him go for a week, you are very unlikely to have the baby then, sounds like the extra money will be useful and you'll have him out from under your feet for a week.

I can see why he wants to go but I think it's too much of a risk. Eldest two were born at 40 and 39 weeks. My youngest by emergencies c section at 36 +3 weeks.
It was pretty sudden too.
Obviously it's up to both of you but I don't think I'd risk it. Plus I was in hospital for 4 days after. Would your in laws be okay babysitting for that long? Who is getting you to the hospital if in laws are doing childcare and you don't get on with your mum?