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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To speak to 10 yr old like this is not ok

118 replies

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 21:55

DH has just told our 10 year old daughter to “stop that shit”. She was kicking him (more pushing him with her feet) as he lay across the sofa in front of her.
I think this is totally wrong - she was shocked and told me afterwards she felt sad that Daddy had used a swear word at her.
I have lost my perspective in my relationship with him - we think very differently about what kind of behaviour is acceptable.
AIBU to say he should have apologised to her, as this was a wrong thing to do?

OP posts:

goldfootball · 10/07/2023 17:59

It’s unusual for me to be the MN prude but I think swearing in front of kids is bad. Especially as she will repeat that in school, get told off, and be confused.

Zebedee55 · 10/07/2023 17:59

Your daughter is the problem here. Not your DH. 🙄

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 10/07/2023 18:00

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 17:35

So it's ok to teach children to swear? Or should the daughter be punished if she copies him? Or can only adults swear?

Show quote history

Yes, in my house only adults can swear. The same as driving a car, buying alcohol, getting married etc.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2023 18:04

I think her behaviour was worse than his. I wouldn’t apologise to her but I’d just be more aware of the language (although tbh we do swear in our house but not in an aggressive way).

snufkinhat · 10/07/2023 18:04

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

An adult swearing or shouting at a child implies they have lost control of their emotions/ behaviour and are getting wound up. Not a particularly safe place to be in when responsible for a child.

Yes it happens, and parents/ adults are not perfect, but this is definitely not ideal. If he's doing it regularly, he needs to recognise that it's an issue and be making efforts to work on it.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't have that level of basic maturity and self awareness.

Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon · 10/07/2023 18:06

@BalletBob

Yep if I had a 10 year old who kicked me and I told them to stop and they didn’t, I would be informing them to remove their fucking legs before I did it for them.

As it stands I’ve never actually had to do that because my kids are respectful and are aware of boundaries. I mean I may have a potty mouth at times but guess what? They’re well adjusted. Gasps. I know that’s a terrible shock to some people on Mumsnet 😂.

Infact… my sons Spanish teacher rang me today to inform me how mature my son is and how his behaviour excels. He said he’s made that many negative phone calls today it was nice to end it on a positive note. I can absolutely assure you my son has heard every single expletive come from my mouth…. Not at him, but he hears it. He would hear it even more if he was as annoying as the OPs kid.

GameOverBoys · 10/07/2023 18:08

I wouldn’t swear at a child but I know lots of people who do and are otherwise good enough parents.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2023 18:08

Beginningless · 07/07/2023 21:59

I think they should have both apologised. Yes swearing at a child isn’t ideal but sometimes said child needs to see how their behaviour affects others.

He didn’t swear at her just used the word in her presence. If my son at that age was kicking and annoying me I might have used it myself and we are a ‘nice’ home but swearing isn’t taboo.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 18:11

No way would a decent parent want to teach their child to accept verbal abuse.

Not everyone sees swearing as abusive or offensive.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 18:12

A 10yr old saying to another 10yr old who was kicking and pushing them to stop that shit wouldn’t be inappropriate though? It’s a very mild swear word and used correctly not just swearing for swearings sake at them. I put it in same bracket as saying pack that in.

3GuineaPigs · 10/07/2023 18:21

The OP's dripfeed (not being snarky using that term, don't know how else to describe it) suggests that the DD has been exposed to witnessing verbal abuse before in the past.

so maybe her being sad is because she feels a little anxious about her father potentially kicking off? I may be wrong but witnessing verbal abuse at a young age can trigger trauma issues.

yes the DD was being very obnoxious and hitting is not acceptbale . A reprimand is not out of order. But I say this as a child who did come from a background where I witnessed and experienced abuse including the verbal kind caused me CPTSD from which I'm still in treatment for in my 40s . I may of course be projecting here, it may well be that DD is being manipulative, but I feel it's important not to disregard the possibility that a 10 year old girl saying she is sad could be a genuine fear response. Children who have seen or experienced abuse can still be little sods who press their parents buttons. some of the bolshiest kids I know were the ones who had the hardest home lives.

Just throwing that out there. I may be wrong . I hope I am.

PenC544 · 10/07/2023 18:33

By the age of 10 I think she’d know worse swear words than shit. It’s not that big of a deal especially after her kicking him. She’s the one being a shit.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/07/2023 18:36

It’s not great, but sometimes shocking them a bit gets them to realise just how badly they are behaving. He probably said ‘stop that’ about 12 times before he lost his rag and she ignored him. I’m not saying this is a recommended technique, but it’s happened. She’ll be going to secondary school soon and will hear a lot worse.

3GuineaPigs · 10/07/2023 18:42

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 18:11

No way would a decent parent want to teach their child to accept verbal abuse.

Not everyone sees swearing as abusive or offensive.

True but if the DD has witnessed actual verbal abuse in the past which has been hinted at in the OP's dripfeed, this could cause her to feel extra sensitive about swearing or a raised voice. I'm not saying this is 100% definitely the case that she is saying she feels sad because of this , nor am I saying the father saying "stop that shit" is in itself abusive. But it's not beyond the realm of possibility that a child with the DD's background here isn't associating swearing with past abuse.

Certain swear words, raised voices, aggressive tone of voice, someone being mad at me or angry or disapproving facial expression can trigger me (a tall, obese, well built woman in her 40s) into a feeling of being a frightened child again.

BalletBob · 10/07/2023 18:43

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 18:11

No way would a decent parent want to teach their child to accept verbal abuse.

Not everyone sees swearing as abusive or offensive.

This child does. But she's being called all sorts of names by grown adults on here for feeling that way.

3GuineaPigs · 10/07/2023 18:43

Sorry that meant to say is not isn't associating swearing with past abuse

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 18:56

BalletBob · 10/07/2023 18:43

This child does. But she's being called all sorts of names by grown adults on here for feeling that way.

Show quote history

Or she's upset because she was told off for kicking her dad.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2023 19:34

Hmm bit of a turn events seeing as you now say he shouts and swears at you in front of her. That is not good and totally unacceptable, he doesn’t actually sound very nice. I might want to kick him too!

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