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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to 10 yr old like this is not ok

118 replies

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 21:55

DH has just told our 10 year old daughter to “stop that shit”. She was kicking him (more pushing him with her feet) as he lay across the sofa in front of her.
I think this is totally wrong - she was shocked and told me afterwards she felt sad that Daddy had used a swear word at her.
I have lost my perspective in my relationship with him - we think very differently about what kind of behaviour is acceptable.
AIBU to say he should have apologised to her, as this was a wrong thing to do?

OP posts:
FatNoMoreSue · 08/07/2023 03:12

Aww. Poor little kicking child had a sad about hearing a mild swear word. Boo hoo.

BalletBob · 09/07/2023 17:28

WonderfulUsername · 07/07/2023 23:07

I'm not entirely sure whether the people insisting he swore at her are being wilfully ignorant, or if they just didn't understand what the OP wrote?

He did swear at her. I’m not sure how you’re interpreting it any other way.

BHRK · 09/07/2023 17:30

Nah, he hasn’t done anything wrong really. She’s 10. She shouldn’t be kicking

Meredusoleil · 09/07/2023 19:16

BalletBob · 09/07/2023 17:28

He did swear at her. I’m not sure how you’re interpreting it any other way.

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Not AT her, no. That would have sounded more like, "Stop that, you little shit!" Or "Stop being a shit!". He just swore in front of her by saying "Stop that shit!" Ie. Stop that shitty behaviour.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/07/2023 19:24

I think it all depends on context.

If they were happily messing around and he was engaging with it before switching and shouting at her then he shouldn't be swearing at her.

If she was misbehaving, and he wanted her to stop, it's a different matter. Perhaps swearing wasn't the best course of action but she should be old enough to know not to kick.

BalletBob · 10/07/2023 16:24

Meredusoleil · 09/07/2023 19:16

Not AT her, no. That would have sounded more like, "Stop that, you little shit!" Or "Stop being a shit!". He just swore in front of her by saying "Stop that shit!" Ie. Stop that shitty behaviour.

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That's not how I would differentiate, and I'm clearly not alone.

Your example, IMO, is the difference between name-calling and swearing at someone.

Swearing "in front of" someone could be done in jest, or as part of colloquial speech. I don't think that represents this situation. This was done in anger, with the intent to hurt and/or shock, which is why "swore at" seems more accurate to me.

So it's not about willful ignorance. People just have different opinions to you.

LadyJ2023 · 10/07/2023 16:27

10 year old and she hasn't learnt not to kick people really??? Sounds like dad was frustrated tbh and for a one off it shouldn't be his language bothering you but your daughters behaviour!!!

RonObvious · 10/07/2023 16:30

If I swore at my daughter like that, I would apologise. My kids know that swearing is wrong, and to hear me swear at them would be really unsettling for them. I agree with you that your husband should apologise.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 10/07/2023 17:04

BalletBob · 10/07/2023 16:24

That's not how I would differentiate, and I'm clearly not alone.

Your example, IMO, is the difference between name-calling and swearing at someone.

Swearing "in front of" someone could be done in jest, or as part of colloquial speech. I don't think that represents this situation. This was done in anger, with the intent to hurt and/or shock, which is why "swore at" seems more accurate to me.

So it's not about willful ignorance. People just have different opinions to you.

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Agree @BalletBob - it’s complete hair-splitting.

I think most people who wouldn’t swear at their children, wouldn’t do this either.

MaybeTomorrowItllBeOK · 10/07/2023 17:06

I'd be more annoyed if my 10 year old was kicking someone than if she heard the word 'shit'

Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon · 10/07/2023 17:08

If my 10 year old did that I would more than likely say STOP 🛑. If she continued I would probably tell her to get her fucking legs off me before I moved them myself.

Your 10 year old sounds REALLY annoying. Sorry not sorry, but my 10 year old daughter would not do this.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 10/07/2023 17:24

RonObvious · 10/07/2023 16:30

If I swore at my daughter like that, I would apologise. My kids know that swearing is wrong, and to hear me swear at them would be really unsettling for them. I agree with you that your husband should apologise.

I would find a 10 year old kicking at me much more unsettling.

Serves her right! It’s not like he called her a swear word. I’m not surprised she’s ‘sad’ - what a fantastic way to deflect from her shitty behaviour!

Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon · 10/07/2023 17:26

She should be sad, hopefully that means she can reflect on her obnoxious and quite frankly irritating behaviour. A 2 year old would do that, not a 10 year old.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 17:31

Maybe hearing her dad swear will make her think twice about kicking him in the future.

WonderingWanda · 10/07/2023 17:33

I could say 'stop that shit' to my 13yo ds and he would find it quite funny. My 10 yo dd is much more sensitive and would probably feel shocked but if she was kicking me (which she most definitely would not be doing) she would still get told off and would probably cry about it (because nothing is ever her fault). It's not gres that he swore but he sounds sweary and nasty so that's not really a surprise to you. If my dh swore at my dd as a one off because he was fraught or pushed to his limit I would back him up and tell her that ignoring the swearing the message is clear, her behaviour was bad.

Why are you with him still if he regularly shouts and swears at you? This is the problem here.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 17:33

When she says "stop that shit" to him, will he be ok with it? Or is he a massive hypocrite as well as rude?

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 17:34

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

This should have been in your OP.

The shouting and swearing is abusive. I wouldn’t stay with someone who treats me like this. DD is sad because this is what she is learning is her future.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 17:35

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 17:31

Maybe hearing her dad swear will make her think twice about kicking him in the future.

So it's ok to teach children to swear? Or should the daughter be punished if she copies him? Or can only adults swear?

Tempone · 10/07/2023 17:43

First off, op didn't really describe kicking.
Second, op never said kicking anyone is ever fine and third, people are fine with ten year olds being sworn at? I hope you are all OK with it when they return it back to you.
Op your dh sounds like a nasty bully.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 10/07/2023 17:46

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 10/07/2023 17:35

So it's ok to teach children to swear? Or should the daughter be punished if she copies him? Or can only adults swear?

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I actually don't have an issue with children using swear words at home/in there right context but I know that's an unpopular view on MN.

I also think there's a big difference between saying "'you're a shit" and "stop that shit".

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 10/07/2023 17:50

I don't think she was sworn at; DH called the kicking shit, not her. Swearing at her would be to say something like 'stop kicking me you fucking ***'. Unacceptable for sure.

So not only was your 10 yo DD kicking an adult she has also found a way to claim victim. Hooray.

7eleven · 10/07/2023 17:55

Not ideal way to speak to anyone, but there you go. She’s 10. Old enough to not do that. Actions have consequences.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/07/2023 17:56

I agree he’s not sworn at her. That would be saying little shit stop that now. Yes ideally just say stop that now but I really don’t think saying stop that shit or if you don’t tidy your shit away you’re not going out is going to scar them.
She was sad because she was told off.

BalletBob · 10/07/2023 17:57

Thegreatbigbarrieroflondon · 10/07/2023 17:08

If my 10 year old did that I would more than likely say STOP 🛑. If she continued I would probably tell her to get her fucking legs off me before I moved them myself.

Your 10 year old sounds REALLY annoying. Sorry not sorry, but my 10 year old daughter would not do this.

You would say to a primary aged child "get your fucking legs off me?".

That's just so aggressive and unnecessary. Really poor parenting. What are you modelling to them about self control, anger management and proportionate response? Or just basic respect and care for a person who is, by definition, under your power?

The way you treat your kids - even when they exhibit challenging behaviour - is what you teach them to accept throughout their lives. No way would a decent parent want to teach their child to accept verbal abuse.

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2023 17:58

She felt “sad” that her Dad used a bad word?
Sounds like she knows how to push your buttons OP