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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To speak to 10 yr old like this is not ok

118 replies

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 21:55

DH has just told our 10 year old daughter to “stop that shit”. She was kicking him (more pushing him with her feet) as he lay across the sofa in front of her.
I think this is totally wrong - she was shocked and told me afterwards she felt sad that Daddy had used a swear word at her.
I have lost my perspective in my relationship with him - we think very differently about what kind of behaviour is acceptable.
AIBU to say he should have apologised to her, as this was a wrong thing to do?

OP posts:

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 07/07/2023 22:13

Well did she stop that shit? At that age I was the same size as one parent and they would have kicked me back

AndTheSurveySays · 07/07/2023 22:14

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

What a drip feed.

Why have you allowed your children to witness you being verbally abused repeatedly?

Sissynova · 07/07/2023 22:14

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

No reference to the fact that a 10 year old was kicking someone?

redskytwonight · 07/07/2023 22:15

she was shocked and told me afterwards she felt sad that Daddy had used a swear word at her

Sounds like she's used to geting you onside when she knows she's done wrong.

Calloffruity · 07/07/2023 22:16

She felt sad 😂 more like she saw your reaction and is milking it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2023 22:16

I couldn’t get that exercised about the occasional use of the word “shit”. It’s a mild swear word and one she will have heard before. And she deserved it tbh.

Not model parenting but I’d let it go.

YourNameGoesHere · 07/07/2023 22:16

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

Well that's quite the bloody drip feed isn't it.

Her having him say stop that shit will have absolutely zero impact on her in comparison to her seeing him regularly swear and shout at you.

WonderfulUsername · 07/07/2023 22:17

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

But this is (or should be) the subject of a completely different thread.

If this is the sort of many you're choosing to live with, you will never be able to protect your children from it.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 07/07/2023 22:18

So she is used to hearing you being sworn at, but is shocked that he said the word "shit" to describe her shit behaviour? Hmm....

SullysBabyMama · 07/07/2023 22:18

I would say a 10 year old kicking their parent is a bigger issue than what the parent said.

Meredusoleil · 07/07/2023 22:19

SullysBabyMama · 07/07/2023 22:18

I would say a 10 year old kicking their parent is a bigger issue than what the parent said.

Me too!

Screamingabdabz · 07/07/2023 22:21

Oh please… jeez no wonder kids supposedly have no resilience these days. She should stop that shit. He’s right.

Summerfun54321 · 07/07/2023 22:23

Shit isn't even a swear word in our house, just part of our normal vocabulary. The fact he shouts and swears at you is pretty relevant though.

AppropriateAdult · 07/07/2023 22:23

Did he just lie down in front of her where she was on the sofa, and she pushed him away with her feet? That was how I immediately pictured the situation, and my sympathy would be with her tbh.

SookMaDook · 07/07/2023 22:23

Sad "daddy" swore at her? She sounds like a toddler. At 10 mine swore if she stubbed her toe 🤷🏻‍♀️. They're just words and there's a difference between "stop that you fucking little bastard" and "stop that shit". If it was the former I could see your point but not the latter. How she has gotten to 10 without realising grown ups swear is beyond me but maybe it's a cultural thing. My part of scotland swearing is just part of the vocabulary.

DisquietintheRanks · 07/07/2023 22:24

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

Do you kick him too?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 07/07/2023 22:24

YourNameGoesHere · 07/07/2023 22:16

Well that's quite the bloody drip feed isn't it.

Her having him say stop that shit will have absolutely zero impact on her in comparison to her seeing him regularly swear and shout at you.

Show quote history

Good point.

It sounds like you're oversensitive to his behaviour because of how he's behaved to you. Unless it was in a very aggressive voice him saying "stop that shit" really isn't an issue and isn't her being sworn at. If he'd.said, 'stop it you little shit', that's being sworn at and very different. He called out her behaviour, she's 10, she shouldn't be kicking people and he wasn't in the wrong here. Your DD seeing and hearing her mum being shouted and sworn at is what will be damaging for her.

WillowtreeHouse · 07/07/2023 22:25

The swearing is unacceptable.

Her kicking her dad is unacceptable.

AuntMarch · 07/07/2023 22:27

I'd much rather my child be told to "stop that shit" than be called anything negative, even if it wasn't swearing. I mean, I don't love it, but I wouldnt make it a big deal as a one off. It does sound like she was purposely pushing his buttons too, and if she is used to seeing him shout and swear at you, I'm surprised his reaction "shocked" her anyway.
Don't get me wrong, him being vile to you doesn't mean he should be vile to anyone else, but "I'm sad daddy used a swear word" doesn't seem genuine at all, when she was purposely annoying a man she knows swears. She's 10, not 2.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 22:28

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

Right, Ok, so this is your actual issue.

Doesn’t sound like someone I’d want in my DCs’ lives…..

Coyoacan · 07/07/2023 22:30

DanielRicciardosSmile · 07/07/2023 22:05

Your 10 year old was kicking her Dad, and you want HIM to apologise for using a fairly tame swear word?

Riiiiight.

Poor little thing, not allowed to treat others like shit, ooops

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/07/2023 22:31

AppropriateAdult · 07/07/2023 22:23

Did he just lie down in front of her where she was on the sofa, and she pushed him away with her feet? That was how I immediately pictured the situation, and my sympathy would be with her tbh.

Yes, this is what I pictured too which seems very different to what PP have interpreted - would be good to know from OP a little bit more about this "kick" and why DD did it.

I also vehemently disagree with all PP - I don't think it's OK to swear at a child. You model the kind of behaviour that you expect to receive in return. It's fine to get cross at someone and to express that, we all lose our temper sometimes. But I think swearing AT someone is a real sign of disrespect - and I think if you want your kids to respect you, you should also be treating them with respect in return. And I say this as someone who is extremely sweary herself! I think there's a bit difference between stubbing your toe and swearing in anger, and swearing at someone. The former is OK, the latter not so much.

I'd need more info about the "kick" and whether it was playful etc - but it's perfectly possible to think DD was out of order for kicking, while simultaneously thinking that it's not OK to swear at a child. I do also think that at 10 yrs old, she's still in primary school - surprised at how many people would swear at a fairly young child!

Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 22:31

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

Um hmm.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 07/07/2023 22:33

Kicking is fine but saying shit isn’t? She is sad because daddy said a swear word?

good luck in the teenage years as she sounds like a right manipulating spoilt brat.

continentallentil · 07/07/2023 22:35

He shouldn’t have sworn, but 10 is far too old to be kicking people and she’ll have heard that word before.

I’d focus more on her behaviour

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