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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to 10 yr old like this is not ok

118 replies

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 21:55

DH has just told our 10 year old daughter to “stop that shit”. She was kicking him (more pushing him with her feet) as he lay across the sofa in front of her.
I think this is totally wrong - she was shocked and told me afterwards she felt sad that Daddy had used a swear word at her.
I have lost my perspective in my relationship with him - we think very differently about what kind of behaviour is acceptable.
AIBU to say he should have apologised to her, as this was a wrong thing to do?

OP posts:
BalletBob · 07/07/2023 22:36

I suppose if you have a household dynamic where people regularly swear at each other in anger then this won't seem shocking. It's definitely not how we speak to each other in my family and I imagine my kids would be upset if either of us swore at them too.

I wouldn't have been shocked or upset to be sworn at like this by my father, but that's because I grew up in a very dysfunctional and toxic environment and this would have been the very thin end of the wedge. However if my lovely, caring grandma had sworn at me, I'd have been devastated.

Separately, your DD shouldn't be kicking anyone. I'm not sure why people are conflating the two things though.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 22:36

This is what happens when you don’t put critical contextual information in the OP.

The DH sounds awful, and what’s been described in the OP is clearly just a symptom of a much wider problem.

Caveat: being kicked on the sofa is beyond annoying.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 07/07/2023 22:39

In over 14 years of parenting, neither DH nor us have ever sworn at our DC. And no, we’re not ‘perfect parents’ (before that defensive line gets trotted out) - we just don’t swear at our children.

I was never sworn at by my parents either - and no, they weren’t ‘perfect’.

Not swearing at your kids isn’t some kind of perfect ideal.

momonpurpose · 07/07/2023 22:40

MrsSucculent · 07/07/2023 22:02

It’s not ideal but at 10 you’re old enough to know that adults swear when they get annoyed and that if you behave annoyingly then there are consequences.

Exactly! Maybe she'll think twice before doing it again. I can see a toddler or 5 year old kicking but 10...

RedHelenB · 07/07/2023 22:43

Yabu She should keep her feet to herself and not go running to you telling tales when she gets told off.

Emeraldrings · 07/07/2023 22:46

She has clearly heard the word before as you said he swears at you. His behaviour to you isn't okay but your DD is playing up to her dad swearing.
There is no excuse for her kicking her dad and I'm not surprised he told her to stop. Swearing isn't great but no child has got to 10 without hearing a sweat word.
I don't think she deserves an apology, she should apologise for kicking him.

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/07/2023 22:48

BalletBob · 07/07/2023 22:36

I suppose if you have a household dynamic where people regularly swear at each other in anger then this won't seem shocking. It's definitely not how we speak to each other in my family and I imagine my kids would be upset if either of us swore at them too.

I wouldn't have been shocked or upset to be sworn at like this by my father, but that's because I grew up in a very dysfunctional and toxic environment and this would have been the very thin end of the wedge. However if my lovely, caring grandma had sworn at me, I'd have been devastated.

Separately, your DD shouldn't be kicking anyone. I'm not sure why people are conflating the two things though.

^I agree completely with all of these sentiments.

This is exactly what I was trying to say but @BalletBob expressed it far more succinctly.

SleeplessinScarbourough · 07/07/2023 22:48

It was ellipsis. The full sentence was “stop that shit behaviour.” It was shit behaviour therefore she should have stopped/not started - and now apologise.
At 10 she should not be kicking/tapping/nudging anyone with her feet or hands for no reason than her own amusement - and the fact it was one of her parents isn’t an excuse.

eandz13 · 07/07/2023 22:53

Fucking Mumsnet 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

MissingMoominMamma · 07/07/2023 22:57

Testina · 07/07/2023 22:11

She feels “sad”?
Sounds a tad manipulative to me, and you fell for it.
Her behaviour was poor.
Some households are more sweary than others 🤷🏻‍♀️
We’ve always said in our household that language needs to be proportionate - I think his was.
Even if it isn’t it your view, she rather neatly turned the focus away from her behaviour, hasn’t she? 🧐

”Look kiddo, sometimes adults swear. It’s not always ideal, but it’s not something to feel “sad” about. He should have said, “stop that nonsense”, but actually - he shouldn’t have had to say anything to you at all should he?. Don’t do it again.”

I like this. I honestly feel that kids need to be told when they’re overstepping. That’s our responsibility, otherwise they become adults who overstep. People don’t like that, and their reaction will be upsetting for her.

WonderfulUsername · 07/07/2023 23:07

I'm not entirely sure whether the people insisting he swore at her are being wilfully ignorant, or if they just didn't understand what the OP wrote?

Thosepeskyseagulls · 07/07/2023 23:18

It’s not the best parenting, but she will have heard a lot worse on the playground. And it’s not like he was swearing at her, more at her behaviour. So not that terrible really.

INeedAnotherName · 07/07/2023 23:25

Did you tell her that her dad was sad because she kicked him?

If she's ten she's probably used swear words at school, most definitely would have heard her classmates say them. She's manipulating you and you fell for it.

MichelleScarn · 07/07/2023 23:26

So lots of swearing ALL THE TIME that worries you, yet being told her manipulative kicking and 'feeling sad' behaviour resulting in a sweary word is worrying.

OCDmama · 07/07/2023 23:59

I don't think it's okay, especially as she's told you how it made her feel. Even if she was kicking (which you say she wasn't really), he's the adult in the situation and she is a primary school child.

She's probably got that awful unsettled feeling you get when someone you love/respect hurts or scares you.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 08/07/2023 00:01

Sometimes in moments of anger - this happens to us. I have an 8 year old.

Yfory · 08/07/2023 00:01

Neither behaviour was ok and both should apologise.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2023 00:58

This was bad behaviour on your H's part.

It's not ok to speak to a child like that regardless of what the child is doing. It's aggressive and uncivil.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2023 01:00

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

Yes, I guessed as much.

He will soon be treating his daughter the way he treats you.

You are married to a bully.

What are you going to do to ensure your children are protected? Living together under the same roof isn't working out well for anyone here.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/07/2023 01:23

AppropriateAdult · 07/07/2023 22:23

Did he just lie down in front of her where she was on the sofa, and she pushed him away with her feet? That was how I immediately pictured the situation, and my sympathy would be with her tbh.

Stbxh does things like this. Gets in DC space and gets pissed off if they react. This would get a very different response from me certainly and I expect others too. Stbxh has literally laid down in the middle of where the kids are playing and then expect them to move and leave him alone.

Dotcheck · 08/07/2023 01:27

bendywendy26 · 07/07/2023 22:13

Thanks all for the responses - consensus seems to be I’m over-reacting!

He has a history of shouting/swearing at me in front of the kids when he loses his temper, so I’m probably over-protective of her being treated with any kind of similar behaviour….

Then why was she shocked?

CrazyArmadilloLady · 08/07/2023 01:33

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/07/2023 01:23

Stbxh does things like this. Gets in DC space and gets pissed off if they react. This would get a very different response from me certainly and I expect others too. Stbxh has literally laid down in the middle of where the kids are playing and then expect them to move and leave him alone.

Show quote history

No wonder he’s soon-to-be-ex….!

LanaDelReyGigChauffer · 08/07/2023 01:50

Dotcheck · 08/07/2023 01:27

Then why was she shocked?

Show quote history

@Dotcheck

becausummy doesn't count, but when princess is on the receiving end it matters.

she wasn't shocked at Daddy swearing, she was shocked at Daddy wearing at her. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm quite sweary, but not around kids.

but if someone said that I'd be 'meh'& unbothered but if they swore AT the child (you silly bitch or whatever) I'd be LIVID

LordSalem · 08/07/2023 02:25

No he should not be speaking to her like that. Would he escalate the swearing depending on her behaviour?
He is the adult and she is the child. He'd do well to remember that.

LordSalem · 08/07/2023 02:28

My 11 year old has insanely awful meltdowns, we're talking screaming like she's being murdered. I still haven't sworn at her, nor in front of her ever.
When I'm in another room way out of earshot, of course I let rip. There's no justification for swearing at a child.