Is it possible to put up with MIL you hate for childcare?

[Needsomeadvice33]

Hear me out. I know the title will be considered selfish and it partly is but I have no care for this woman at all.
I am pregnant with first, inlaws don't know yet. I have a very poor relationship with them spanning over 5 years. They treated me very badly (many lies and manipulations) and now I have a delibrately very superficial relationship with them. See them about 3 times per year and grey rock them, i have no discussions with them via phone, text, etc. This works well for me.
I know their expectations will change now first grandchild and MIL is baby obsessed. This is also likely the only grandchild they will have. As I will only have 1 and BIL has a load of health problems and it's very unlikely he will have kids.
I consider myself a very reasonable person and she's not an unsafe women and would make a satisfactory grandmother so ive no worries regarding contact with a child. I am trying to decide if I should work hard during my pregnancy to learn to accept and tolerate her (though she absolutely does not deserve this) for my own wellbeing and that of the child (though I honestly don't think a relationship with her will bring much to their lives). I will not need childcare, I work part time and opposite to my husband, so logistically i will never actually need her. Though I like my time to myself and know she will want to be heavily involved - so i can see how i could benefit from her intrest. Ill be honest im not a typical maternal type and was no kids/ on the fence for years. My family are close by and we are very close to them but there's loads of grandkids on my side and the novelty has worn off in my family of new babies.
I'm curious to hear from people who had poor inlaw relationships pre kids and how it panned out for them? I read loads of threads of people upset that grandparents and disinterested then think if I keep her at arms length am I cutting my nose off to spite my face. But I genuinely don't know if it's even possible to tollerate and have regular contact with a woman you have despised for years - can anyone actually do this? It's worth mentioning my husband has had a poor relationship with them long before he met me and sees them very minimally ( though a little more than me). He thinks both his parents have treated me badly and would be happy for me to never see them again. I see them about 3 times per year for him. They live a 10 min drive from us.I belive they are both just so badly damaged by abandonment from their own parents, they have not managed to maintain any family relationships or friendships with anyone and are now living a very lonely existence in their 60s and literally the only interactions they have are with eachother, BIL and hospital appointments. My BIL was always the golden child and my scapegoat husband now keeps as little contact with them as possible and feels hes owes them nothing, of course they are completely unable to to have any accountability and are just victims.

Well, I also was not maternal and I can assure you that usually changes very fast.
Don't make any promises at all yet.
I also didn't like Mil but assumed she was safe and I was wrong.

Unfortunately some people don't read up on new safety stuff... Or listen to it.

So be careful.

However over all of course if you can tolerate her it's easier all around.

Wow, I’d keep it minimal. If you don’t need her for childcare just keep her as a granny. Then maybe she’ll babysit occasionally, help if you need a haircut etc…

Yes it would be the occasional stuff is what I mean , but probably a weekly / 2 weekly basis type thing is what I was imagining. I just honestly can't see how that could be possible with a woman you hate. Can this actually be done?

Yes, I think it can, you will need to bite your tongue a bit!
Make absolutely sir your partner understands the effort/ compromise you’re making. So if she oversteps , he’s on your side

We had a relative that I really liked do childcare for a while years ago and my god it was tough! We nearly all fell apart over it, we were just so different. And we got on great before it all! I’d say no way, and she can be adoring granny but for all of your sanity don’t do it!!!

I would keep to how it is now as much as possible and any effort should be from their side. You don’t owe them anything and your child may decide later not to have much contact with them either.

How could you possibly leave your baby with someone you hate? I've seen some batshit MIL threads in my time.....

I have a batshit mil, but hand in heart if anybody asks, I truly tried my best and gave her every opportunity.

No I don’t think you should use someone you “hate” for your own free time. Regardless of what she has or hasn’t done and whether you should or shouldn’t give a shit about her feelings, you shouldn’t feel OK about using another person for your own gain. That’s shameful to be honest.

If she’s a good grandmother and enjoys spending time with DC it might be helpful for you, but the fact you’re calculating how to get her to do weekly childcare so you can have “you” time and be OK with that, feels very off.

Either accept she’s fine to be a regular presence in your child’s life and let DH organise the logistics or try and rebuild bridges so that you can benefit directly from her help without it making you a massive hypocrite

This. I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave my
child in the care of someone who hated me.

@CurlewKate I understand why you think this but she's not actually a dangerous women and would have their best interests. If I thought she was dangerous then I absolutely would not do this and if she ever did anything that made me question then of course it would stop. I'm more interested at a human nature level are woman able to actually tollerate contact and opinions from people they hate? All my friends post kids started to hate their MILs (even the ones who liked them pre kids). I'm wondering for someone like me, will I be capable of it.

Because it's free childcare.

@Grumpigal I literally owe this woman nothing. You don't know the half of it, it's too much to get into. I don't care if it seems shameful, she deserves nothing from me.
Grandparent relationships are mutually beneficial so she will gain from it but honestly I don't care if she does. I have zero intrest in her wellbeing.
She obviously has free will and would be welcome to not be involved, I just know that she is going to be obsessive. She's obsessed with babies.

No how can you truly separate your personal feelings and then entrust her with the most precious thing of your life?

"All my friends post kids started to hate their MILs (even the ones who liked them pre kids)."

This really has to be at least 50/50. MILs are just people. They are mostly, it has to be remebered, also our mothers!

I think I've said the wrong word saying childcare, probably should have said babysitting. I don't mean it as a regular, scheduled thing. More meant me facilitating contact without me there and having to see her myself.

It that’s how you really feel, then no, you’ll need to have very strict boundaries in place

Ok, I couldn't stand my MIL due to the way she treated me and left my three kids with her at times who are all teenagers now fifteen years later. It was actually my mother who encouraged me to do so. Fantastic advice from my mum - she told me to use the time on myself, treat myself to coffee with friends, beautician, hairdresser etc as it wouldn't be right to let me feelings get in the way with the relationship with her grandkids. I see that now although fifteen years ago it was difficult. I hardly see her my MIL, can't stand her and the kids have a great relationship with her - perfect. Kids get a grandmother who loves them and they love her and everyone's happy.

I’ll never understand people desperate to let people they hate look after their children.

She’s horrible to you. She undermines you and treats you poorly. Why would you have anything to do with her?

@CurlewKate I only had 2 friends that liked their MIL pre kids and now they hate them. I agree it's probably 50/50 but my circles are 100%. I don't know a single women who likes her MIL. That's probably unusual. My own MIL hated her MIL and was no contact. Same with my own mother. My sisters MIL is dead , she is literally the only woman I know who may have gotten on with her MIL but now we will never know.

@GreekGod see this is what I'm wondering. If I should try and reframe things to maybe facilitate something like this as I will never get on either her. Thank you for responding.

@Needsomeadvice33 what I meant was the blame is probably at least 50-50. MILs are just people. However Mumsnet likes to characterise them. But don't leave your baby with someone you hate.

No, if you don't like her, your dh isn't bothered then you are best not to let her get involved. The only people who should babysit are those who you trust, and with whom you have a mutually respectful and caring relationship. She couldn't be bothered with her own children, don't give her the opportunity to mess up yours. You'll only be on here in a few years time with a whole load of grief.

In my experience, no, but I think it's hugely dependent on Mils behaviour and personality type.
What it came down to with my MiL is she managed to get more attention by lying, causing arguments, going NC because she wasn't allowed to have sleepovers with my DC (completely unsafe environment, from vicious dogs, rodent infestation and her being unable to wake up before 4pm as she's a "nightowl". She did little things also when they were tiny that put them purposely in danger, I could write a book.)

I've tried very hard to give my DC a relationship with their grandmother, (mil) but its been near impossible due to her personality and we've had to grey rock her.
DH refuses point blank to deal with her after years of her frankly abusive behaviour.
She was evil to me for years prior to DGC arrived and she then reached out, but because she seeks drama more than genuine relationships she became unbearable. She's met DC about 3 times, eldest is 8 now. They've not missed out, she has.

It's terribly sad when you look at your beautiful children and you know there's a grandmother out there who could be enjoying them, visiting for her dinner, taking them the swings etc, but the reality is they just can't have a relationship with them without fucking their heads up.
(She's sent them letters telling them how evil we are.)
I think people presume when you go NC with MiL and you've got grandchildren you do it with glee, like, "you've made my life hell bitch, take this". But it's not the reality, well mine away, it's exhausting emotionally because we still receive lots of abuse. (Emails mostly but we've had letters.)

I fully invited MiL back into our lives once I was pregnant, presuming a baby would change her behaviour. It actually elevated it to a worse state than previously, so be prepared it can go both ways.

MiL knows nothing about our finances but has threatened to contact the universal credits assuming we get them, she's phoned DH's main office to speak to HR that he's withholding her DGC and asked could his boss talk to him, shes made claims with SS which they knew was malicious immediately because of the tone of the email she sent.

My advice is to weigh up their capabilities of making your life more difficult and don't invite unnecessary drama into it.
If your PiLs are capable of anything that will ruin early days of motherhood whilst you're navigating being a new mum, then simply put don't. If they're going to be a pain in the arse but it'll bring something positive to you, DH and DC, go cautiously and always keep set boundaries.

Good luck and never underestimate the value of peace 💐@Needsomeadvice33 x

Of course. The other thing is that my DH really appreciated that as well as he knows that his mother is awful (but its his mother) but respected the fact that I wanted the kids to have a healthy relationship with her. Ironically, as we get older I now see her as a frail old woman in her 80s who has lost a lot of her power and is in fact is much nicer to me now even though I still keep my distance. The other point is that the kids know that their grandmother can be awful and they are fully aware what she did to me and the kids who are now much older respect the fact that I didn't cut them off from her. Too much cutting off of family members in my view in today's world and it's just horrible.