Is it possible to put up with MIL you hate for childcare?

[Needsomeadvice33]

Hear me out. I know the title will be considered selfish and it partly is but I have no care for this woman at all.
I am pregnant with first, inlaws don't know yet. I have a very poor relationship with them spanning over 5 years. They treated me very badly (many lies and manipulations) and now I have a delibrately very superficial relationship with them. See them about 3 times per year and grey rock them, i have no discussions with them via phone, text, etc. This works well for me.
I know their expectations will change now first grandchild and MIL is baby obsessed. This is also likely the only grandchild they will have. As I will only have 1 and BIL has a load of health problems and it's very unlikely he will have kids.
I consider myself a very reasonable person and she's not an unsafe women and would make a satisfactory grandmother so ive no worries regarding contact with a child. I am trying to decide if I should work hard during my pregnancy to learn to accept and tolerate her (though she absolutely does not deserve this) for my own wellbeing and that of the child (though I honestly don't think a relationship with her will bring much to their lives). I will not need childcare, I work part time and opposite to my husband, so logistically i will never actually need her. Though I like my time to myself and know she will want to be heavily involved - so i can see how i could benefit from her intrest. Ill be honest im not a typical maternal type and was no kids/ on the fence for years. My family are close by and we are very close to them but there's loads of grandkids on my side and the novelty has worn off in my family of new babies.
I'm curious to hear from people who had poor inlaw relationships pre kids and how it panned out for them? I read loads of threads of people upset that grandparents and disinterested then think if I keep her at arms length am I cutting my nose off to spite my face. But I genuinely don't know if it's even possible to tollerate and have regular contact with a woman you have despised for years - can anyone actually do this? It's worth mentioning my husband has had a poor relationship with them long before he met me and sees them very minimally ( though a little more than me). He thinks both his parents have treated me badly and would be happy for me to never see them again. I see them about 3 times per year for him. They live a 10 min drive from us.I belive they are both just so badly damaged by abandonment from their own parents, they have not managed to maintain any family relationships or friendships with anyone and are now living a very lonely existence in their 60s and literally the only interactions they have are with eachother, BIL and hospital appointments. My BIL was always the golden child and my scapegoat husband now keeps as little contact with them as possible and feels hes owes them nothing, of course they are completely unable to to have any accountability and are just victims.

@5128gap this is what I'm worried about that I'm naive and expecting this to be achievable. Like I said I have zero experience of this. I've seen friends MIL relationships sour after kids and they got om better with their MILs pre kids. I don't know what to expect at all and the whole thing is very anxiety inducing. It works well as they leave me alone currently and I have lots of peace. I just know its all going to change as soon as they find out. My husband doesn't want to tell them until we can physically no longer hide it.

If she’s so awful she deserves all this hatred, of course you don’t leave your child with her. Very strange thread.

@AnOrange but in the real world that's not how life works and these things need to be carefully considered. Also she absolutely deserves the hated, she's no victim.

How would you know she’d ‘changed her ways’ if you never saw her?

I think you have to separate your relationship with her from the one your child might have @Needsomeadvice33. It sounds as if she’ll be an adoring granny and every child benefits from having one of those. If you allow her to spend time with your child I’d put money on her treating you better because, unless she’s spectacularly stupid, she’ll recognise your generosity towards her. And it is generous and kind.

Completely agree with this. Actually this IS how the world usually works OP. There is nobody I hate that I'd leave to look after my own children, the most precious people in my life. As if I hated them it's because they are harmful people and I wouldn't leave my children with harmful people.

I had a similar relationship with my MIL, refused to acknowledge I even existed, didn't attend our wedding etc. All that changed when we had our first child. Today we have an extremely close relationship, which years ago I would never have believed was possible. Some people can change for the better, but only time will tell.

I would love to hear the mother-in-law's side of the story.

Me too

Why on earth would you try to build a relationship with someone you hate, who has treated you badly and mentally abused your husband as a child (golden child vs scapegoat)

In what way would they be good grandparents who should have a highly involved relationship.

your husband doesn’t want one with them, you don’t either and they won’t suddenly change and stop doing the shit you don’t like.
you’ll just end up yo-yo m-ing then out of your child’s life.
they weren’t good parents or inlaws so wo t be good grandparents either. Or worse they’ll be complete Disney grandparents and as your child gets old try to alienate them from you by making you and your husband the scapegoat to your child’s golden child status.

don’t put your child through it.

@Florissante do you want to hear how none of her family members talk to her and she doesn't have a single friendship. Common denominator for sure. Her whole family and fils family have been non contact with them for decades. They literally have nobody in their lives. Meanwhile my husband and I are very close with my siblings and kids, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and we both have large circles of friends. They see nobody on special occasions except their golden child.

Then why are you even considering it?

@MimiSunshine I'm not from a family like this and don't know how to navigate it. My husband sticks his head in the sand. They are a family who just sweep things under the carpet. I'm nit used to any of it. I think I will have to take my husbands lead and let him decide. The reality is though he will maintain minimal contact and it will lead to conflict from them but I suppose its his parents and his choice.

But there is no relationship, it’s all surface, and liable to fracture easily. If they are awful as you say, why do you think they deserve a relationship with your child?

You can have other older people in your child's life that aren't Granny.

I see why you are asking- you are hoping that it will be a lovely relationship for your child. Of course, it would be wonderful for this to happen.

But you need to be ready for it to not happen. In addition, you need to bear in mind your OH- what if they hurt the feelings of his child? As someone who is very low contact with a family member- the 'end' of the relationship came when they upset my youngest daughter with their awful behaviour. It's far worse when they upset your kids.

How would your OH react if they upset your child?

This is not going to work. Your husband avoids her, the golden boy brother avoids her, you don’t like her. Why on earth would you want her around your child (who isn’t even born) on a weekly/ fortnightly basis? Just NO.

She sounds like she would be a terrible grandparent to be honest. I would let your husband take the lead. If he wants keep contact 3x a year then just do what he says. Secondly I wouldn't leave your child alone with her if you don't like her. If you want to facilitate a relationship then you will just have to supervise, at least to begin with. If things are going well in a few years, you could reconsider. No need to decide anything now -.just take it a step at a time. Once the baby comes chances are you won't want to leave them with anyone you don't like!

This! Bizarre, bizarre thread.

As I pointed out upthread, free childcare.

I don't hate my MIL but I don't like her either. We have nothing in common and I would never (and do never) choose to spend time with her unless I have to.

That said, she is a brilliant grandmother, honestly the kind of grandmother anyone would love to have. My kids absolutely adore her. She has never done 'childcare' for us, I know our relationship wouldn't last and we've got three young children who we had close together, so it's a bit much to expect anyone to take on regardless. That said she does some babysitting every so often and occasionally has one or two of the kids overnight, and that's absolutely fine and they love it.

I suppose my advice would be to wait and see. Even the crappest of parents can actually be quite a good grandparent if given the chance and it's always good to try and keep things as harmonious as you can, even if that means gritting your teeth a bit.

In practical terms, my MIL live about five minutes away and I barely see her. DH does any drop off/pick up stuff with the kids if that happens and will take them over to see her by himself when I am working or fake-busy. Our relationship is civil and there is no bad feeling, but I just don't want to spend time with her so I don't. It can be done.

Nah don't bother.
You've said she's manipulative and a liar. Not a nice vibe for your kids

@Needsomeadvice33 keep the contact minimal. For your DH’s sake. He has reduced contact as they are not good for his emotional well-being. Forcing him to have contact with her with the stress of a new baby is a disaster waiting to happen.

if relationship and contact improves and he wants it then go with it, otherwise nope. She doesn’t get time in her own of you’re not happy or scheduled 2 weekly visits.

@Littlemissprosecco I am considering it as I know the alternative is going to be lots of conflict from them as they will definitely not happily accepted minimal contact with their grandchild. but after reading this thread and now discussing with my husband I will be continuing with minimal contact as this is what he wants and I think my thoughts of anything else were misguided and naive. I've held them at arms length for years and I think I've just more so forgotten the reality of what regular contact with them actually looks like. Thank you for the responses.

We should have a support group for DILs of codependent Mils

👍🤣