Hear me out. I know the title will be considered selfish and it partly is but I have no care for this woman at all.
I am pregnant with first, inlaws don't know yet. I have a very poor relationship with them spanning over 5 years. They treated me very badly (many lies and manipulations) and now I have a delibrately very superficial relationship with them. See them about 3 times per year and grey rock them, i have no discussions with them via phone, text, etc. This works well for me.
I know their expectations will change now first grandchild and MIL is baby obsessed. This is also likely the only grandchild they will have. As I will only have 1 and BIL has a load of health problems and it's very unlikely he will have kids.
I consider myself a very reasonable person and she's not an unsafe women and would make a satisfactory grandmother so ive no worries regarding contact with a child. I am trying to decide if I should work hard during my pregnancy to learn to accept and tolerate her (though she absolutely does not deserve this) for my own wellbeing and that of the child (though I honestly don't think a relationship with her will bring much to their lives). I will not need childcare, I work part time and opposite to my husband, so logistically i will never actually need her. Though I like my time to myself and know she will want to be heavily involved - so i can see how i could benefit from her intrest. Ill be honest im not a typical maternal type and was no kids/ on the fence for years. My family are close by and we are very close to them but there's loads of grandkids on my side and the novelty has worn off in my family of new babies.
I'm curious to hear from people who had poor inlaw relationships pre kids and how it panned out for them? I read loads of threads of people upset that grandparents and disinterested then think if I keep her at arms length am I cutting my nose off to spite my face. But I genuinely don't know if it's even possible to tollerate and have regular contact with a woman you have despised for years - can anyone actually do this? It's worth mentioning my husband has had a poor relationship with them long before he met me and sees them very minimally ( though a little more than me). He thinks both his parents have treated me badly and would be happy for me to never see them again. I see them about 3 times per year for him. They live a 10 min drive from us.I belive they are both just so badly damaged by abandonment from their own parents, they have not managed to maintain any family relationships or friendships with anyone and are now living a very lonely existence in their 60s and literally the only interactions they have are with eachother, BIL and hospital appointments. My BIL was always the golden child and my scapegoat husband now keeps as little contact with them as possible and feels hes owes them nothing, of course they are completely unable to to have any accountability and are just victims.