Is it possible to put up with MIL you hate for childcare?

[Needsomeadvice33]

Hear me out. I know the title will be considered selfish and it partly is but I have no care for this woman at all.
I am pregnant with first, inlaws don't know yet. I have a very poor relationship with them spanning over 5 years. They treated me very badly (many lies and manipulations) and now I have a delibrately very superficial relationship with them. See them about 3 times per year and grey rock them, i have no discussions with them via phone, text, etc. This works well for me.
I know their expectations will change now first grandchild and MIL is baby obsessed. This is also likely the only grandchild they will have. As I will only have 1 and BIL has a load of health problems and it's very unlikely he will have kids.
I consider myself a very reasonable person and she's not an unsafe women and would make a satisfactory grandmother so ive no worries regarding contact with a child. I am trying to decide if I should work hard during my pregnancy to learn to accept and tolerate her (though she absolutely does not deserve this) for my own wellbeing and that of the child (though I honestly don't think a relationship with her will bring much to their lives). I will not need childcare, I work part time and opposite to my husband, so logistically i will never actually need her. Though I like my time to myself and know she will want to be heavily involved - so i can see how i could benefit from her intrest. Ill be honest im not a typical maternal type and was no kids/ on the fence for years. My family are close by and we are very close to them but there's loads of grandkids on my side and the novelty has worn off in my family of new babies.
I'm curious to hear from people who had poor inlaw relationships pre kids and how it panned out for them? I read loads of threads of people upset that grandparents and disinterested then think if I keep her at arms length am I cutting my nose off to spite my face. But I genuinely don't know if it's even possible to tollerate and have regular contact with a woman you have despised for years - can anyone actually do this? It's worth mentioning my husband has had a poor relationship with them long before he met me and sees them very minimally ( though a little more than me). He thinks both his parents have treated me badly and would be happy for me to never see them again. I see them about 3 times per year for him. They live a 10 min drive from us.I belive they are both just so badly damaged by abandonment from their own parents, they have not managed to maintain any family relationships or friendships with anyone and are now living a very lonely existence in their 60s and literally the only interactions they have are with eachother, BIL and hospital appointments. My BIL was always the golden child and my scapegoat husband now keeps as little contact with them as possible and feels hes owes them nothing, of course they are completely unable to to have any accountability and are just victims.

I'm sure she's all the things you said she is, but you're a user, which is awful too.

The only way to do this would be transactional ie I'm sure you would like a relationship with your GC, and I'd like some time for myself so I'll let you know. Don't be surprised if she doesn't take you up on it and arranges things through your DH.

My mother didn't get on with my grandmother but my siblings and I still spent time with her. Generally it was facilitated by my father (her son) and my mum continued not to spend much time with her but she did see her more than she would've liked for our sake. As I got older I could see that she was a flawed person but I still loved her as a grandparent and I'm grateful that my mum didn't keep us from her because of her own issues.

I honestly tried and tried with my mil, as I really wanted my children to have that lovely granny. But it wasn’t to be, all I can say is that I go to my grave knowing I did my best. They’re grown up now and as young adults want absolutely nothing to do with her.
Thats my fault apparently!

OP I would say, try, but know your limits, have DP on side( which you seem to) and see how it goes.
you’ve nothing to lose. But go gently

@mistermagpie I meant a set up like you describe. I'm not a mum yet I didn't realise childcare meant something so rigid. I thought it meant any care of a child at any time and I don't want to see her so my thought was more my husband dropping the child lol but he has told me he doesn't want them having unsupervised access so the reality is that won't be happening. I suppose we can take it as it comes but I know its going to be conflict as they always have ridiculous expectations so this will just be another time when that happens. I am also blamed for her having minimal contact with her son even though they have always had a fractured relationship and he can see her whenever he wants its nothing to do with me. She's a very stupid woman. I will likely be blamed for this also but my husband is a literal angel and always 100% on my side so I will have zero problems in terms of him standing up for me.

I’m in 💕

You’re lucky you have your DP on your side

@declutteringmymind my husband ignores her 90% of the time so she won't have any luck plus he doenst want them having unsurpervised contact as we have just discussed. Am I considering using her for my benefit, yes but why wouldn't I? I literally hate her so I'm as well as cutting her off. I'm sure she would rather I use her for some me time rather than cut her off. I would never treat anyone else like this but I've never been exposed to these kinds of people, I'm from a normal family. She's welcome to tell me no - she doesn't want contact with the child when it would be clear I was using her. She absolutely wouldn't though as it would suit her agenda. My husband doesn't want it thought so reality is she will barley know this child.

@Littlemissprosecco I've often wondered if a scapegoat son makes a man have the skills to be a perfect husband. I do feel very lucky to have him. I'm sad for him the parents he has but he has mentally moved on from them and doesn't consider them his family anymore and he tells me this.

I would only approach her for this arrangement of your DH is on board. He may well have his reasons as to why he doesn't want his child to have unsupervised access.

Also plenty of people manage fine without any family as hoc childcare for little things so you can manage.

My DH is the same, he’s accepted the way she is, humours her when necessary.

It took 25 years for me to detach emotionally. He was always detached. But like I said before, I know I tried

Good luck, don’t worry so much, I’m many years ahead of you. What will be will be. Just know you did your best

And yes he’s a wonderful husband

I don't understand why you are debating this. The bottom line is that both you and your husband are not bothered about a relationship with his parents and are content with how minimal contact is currently. A baby should not change anything. You do not need to facilitate a grandparents relationship with people that you despise. Your child will be loved by many other people and not miss out. You don't need childcare so why ask for it from these people. Continue as you are, they can see your child a handful of times a year and that would be fine.

@HanSB Yes this is what I've learned tonight. They are going to go nuts though when they realise we will be maintaining our current level of contact.

I wasn't close at all to my mum or sister before I had children but having my first baby greatly healed our relationship and brought us all closer together. My mum comes over several times a week, really pitches in and helps out and I couldn't be without her. Before I and kids I would see her maybe 3 times a year.

My MIL is not a safe pair of hands, her health is greatly compromised and I find her an total dullard, however my kids just love her, I don't get it at all but they love seeing her and visiting and to the kids I'm happy to facilitate that relationship

OP my mum and her MIL really didn’t get on at all, but my mum did let my granny babysit us (very occasionally though, maybe 3-4 times a year, and only from when I was about 4 years old). I had a really good relationship with my granny.

I think my mum was able to grit her teeth as it wasn’t too often and she got a good benefit out of it (she only used her for things she really needed, like a work event or a wedding or something like that, not just a hair appointment). But my granny was also safe and wouldn’t have hurt me or my siblings. They didn’t get on as my granny didn’t think my mum was good enough for her son. Luckily she felt we were good enough to be her grandkids though! She also never bad-mouthed our mum to us - that would have been the end!

So, one by one these people have treated everyone in their orbit so badly the people have had to cut them off? What do you see as the trajectory for your child if they build a relationship with them, with this in mind?

I don't understand why you would want your child being looked after by a woman you say you hate. Maybe she feels the same way about you and wouldn’t want to look after your child!

@Soontobe60 toxic mil yourself perhaps.
Hahah I wish that was the case. I would happily cut her off. Truth is she's a baby obsessed controlling weirdo so there's no chance of that.

The cheapest way to pay for something is with money.

Any you always pay.

It's perfectly possible to put up with a lot of shit stuff because your children enjoy it (like soft play or kids parties or playdates with children you find really irritating). So it should be perfectly possible to put up with someone you dislike, if your child likes seeing them and benefits from the relationship. This can work if you just find someone irritating or there is a clash of personalities or you just have nothing in common.

But for me, if I actively despised someone it would be because they werent a nice person. Especially true when their own kids don't even like them. And I wouldnt want someone horrible to be alone with my child or spend regular time with them. Ever.

And a lot of it depends how she treats you. If she acknowledges you've not got on, suggests you put it behind you for the sake of the baby and is respectful and follows your wishes of how you want the baby looked after then yes I'd consider letting a relationship develop. If she was nasty to your face or about you behind your back then that is a toxic relationship for a child to witness, even if they are nice to the child, and I would then avoid contact

If she annoys you now, it will only get worse when she's critical of you about your baby, or forces her opinions on you. Just because your not overly maternal doesn't mean you'll ace being a mummy and very quickly become a very maternal mummy, I wouldn't suck up to her for a few hours here and there. I'd let her come to you and suck up to you. It's lovely if grandparents can be involved. It disappoints me that my MIL isn't interested in our two young boys; under 2 - she only sees them every few months and lives 4 miles down the road!

None of you need to see her at all.

Decent loving grandparents are worth their weight in gold.
But no-one needs grandparents.

If she's poisonous then you should save yourself the trouble of arranging access. I cut contact with my own parents (both now deceased) and have absolutely no regrets.

However there's definitely another side to consider (not to do with your in laws). Would your own parents or siblings have contact or a relationship with your child? I ask because my family went through an unbelievably sad situation. My DBIL died very suddenly. He had three sons, two from his first marriage and one from his second (DN). We knew the first two DS very well, and DN had visited with his parents as a small child.

DSIL died within two years of DBIL due to an accident. DN was very early 20s and had very little contact with either side of their family.

The situation needs to be considered because no one from either side had a close relationship with this lovely young man - not because of infighting, but because we all lived in different places and he hadn't developed roots with us.

It's a few years since this happened but at the time this lovely young man didn't feel connected to any of us, so no matter how many messages we sent it didn't really mean much to him. He was never rude to us but the feeling of 'family' wasn't there for him, and we realised too late how it's important to allow your children to grow roots with other people who will love them, be there for them and have their best interests at heart. He's happy now though, has a lovely partner, and has moved on with this life.

I read so many things on Mumsnet about excluding relatives for sometimes imagined slights or disagreements, but I really do think that we should all think about the worst that can happen - what if we're not here - who can our child turn to? Please ensure there is someone there who your child trusts and will love them and care for them.

Both my DBIL and DSIS were lovely and kind peopIe who we still love and miss to this day, but they didn't think about this scenario. I still think your IL are arseholes though.