I hate myself and don't know how to get through tonight

[helpcry]

My DP left me and ds when he was 4 months old. He doesn’t seem him anymore. I was glad the relationship was over as it was horrendous living with him however I did not sign up to be a single parent. I’ve tried to forge a way forward and ds is now 10 months. I was much happier without my ex.

Today has hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just felt really off and stressed. I was an absolute bitch when I met my mum and I wouldn’t let her hold ds as she had a hot drink and absolutely laid into her saying she never listens to me etc etc. I apologised afterwards and said I was feeling really out of sorts today and I wasn’t sure why, I thought because I am back at work soon and I feel heartbroken I won’t be with ds and also relieved to have made it through maternity leave in one piece. It’s so conflicting. My mum isn’t great with chats about this sort of thing but she would definitely have chatted in general and played with ds. Instead I was a total cow and we left on ok terms but the afternoon was ruined. Ds seemed to pick up on my upset as I was crying in the car and he started crying, this is unusual for him so obviously I had caused it

I then started to have a complete breakdown after ds went to bed. I’ve been crying for over an hour. I am not sure I have brought ds up well. I don’t know how present I was in the months that following his dad leaving. I don’t think I was always that happy and I’ve been reading that it can impact babies development. I am also worrying about the future. Ex pays maintenance but it will barely cover nursery at all so things are going to be hard. I don’t know if I’m a good mum. I love ds so much I can’t beat him having a shit mum. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know where this has come from as the past six months I’ve been strong and cheery around ds and built a nice routine for us. I feel broken tonight and don’t know how to get through the next hour.

Can’t bear*

The fact that you're posting on here about this shows you're a good mum.

Could you call your mum? Just be honest with her and apologise for today but explain how you feel. It sounds maybe silly but are you premenstrual? As this amount of upset from nowhere sounds quite hormonal to me. You sound like you rationally know you’re better off single and you undoubtedly love your little boy and so I wonder if these aren’t real thoughts right now but rather emotion- led thoughts that don’t really belong to you in day to day life. Hope that doesn’t sound patronising or like I don’t think you’re really feeling shitty- I do believe you, I just am not sure that it’s coming from anything really being WRONG so much as an extra rank thing like shitty PMT or worry about returning to work etc.
Meanwhile have a ☕️ and 💐 from me as you’re a fab mum.

It's a release of the last 6 months. It must be so tough doing all this on your own. You will get through tonight. Is there anyone you can call? If not can you watch something funny and light. You're doing such a great job and clearly have your child as your main priority. Xx It will pass.

I think your mum would understand, she’s a mum too (obviously!) so she’s probably had her bad days!
Just apologise and hug her - you both need a hug and it’s understandable why you feel a bit shit at the moment.

@TappingTed i just checked and due on Saturday 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ve never experienced this so fully before, I just feel totally overwhelmed and sad.

Deep breath.

Is DS asleep? Little things. Have you eaten something? Have you had enough to drink today? Find something small that you can do for yourself right now to get out of this spiral.

You are the best possible mum for your baby and he needs you. You are going to be OK and you are going to get through this. Is there someone IRL you can call or text? Tomorrow you can call the GP. You sound depressed and there is treatment available which means that you don’t have to feel this way.

Please keep checking in. We are listening and we see you.

I didn’t want to just read and run, being a new mum, let alone a single mum, is really hard. You are going to struggle and lash out at the people you love but as long as you have acknowledge it and apologize, your mum (and others) will forgive you. As for your son just always love and support him and it will be enough even if you cannot always be with him and give him everything you want to. It is clear to me from your post that you are a good mum and daughter. Keep you chin up and persevere, life can be a real struggle but things will get better x

If you were a shit Mum you definitely wouldn’t be worrying about whether you’d done the right things with him. It sounds like you’re a brilliant Mum and are doing your best, which will be good enough, totally on your own! Maybe you could ring the Samaritans tonight so you can actually talk to someone.

I don't know anyone who doesn't have doubts about parenting. Everyone has multiple things going on in their life, and you can't be focused on your children 100% of the time. It's just not realistic. Don't beat yourself up over that.
You sound a very loving, involved mother who cares very much about giving the best to their child. I'm sure that you're doing brilliantly. But you're doing it alone and that's hard. Cut yourself some slack and be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend who was having doubts. Your child is happy and thriving. You're doing good.

I hope you are ok! It could be hormonal. But j remember being like this going back to work with both my sons. I was so stressed and worried about it but didn't really realise it and I was taking it out on myself and my husband and I was awful to live with. You will be ok, you are doing an amazing job!

@ThanksItHasPockets he is asleep and I have eaten, I just can’t stop crying or take any hold of it. I felt fine only a few days ago. I just feel like this darkness has descended. Maybe it is PMT as another poster suggested. I can’t seem to snap myself out of it at all.

You will get through tonight and these feelings will pass. As mums were often our own worse critic. Do you have a friend you can call for a chat? In regards to finances have you checked if you can claim UC or any childcare costs from UC? If you check on entitledto.com you can do a calculation x

Oh my love, I didn't want to read and run. It sounds to me like you've been in survival mode and the trauma of what you have been through is only starting to sink in. Do NOT worry that you have damaged your lovely wee boy, you categorically have not. You clearly adores the bones of him, he will have felt that always. None of us are 100% present all the time, it isn't humanly possible to be, so put down that stick you're beating yourself with. As for your mum, she will understand, just as you would if it had been the other way round. I went through extensive trauma when my child was a baby (still ongoing) and therapy and medication have really turned things around for me. I would contact your GP and get the ball rolling, and if private counselling is possible then maybe consider that as it's faster. In the short term, take sone deep, deep breaths and tell yourself that these feelings you're having are just feelings, they aren't a reflection of how good or bad a parent you think you are. It's clear you are a caring, loving and concerned mum, I'm sure your DS is thriving. Have a shower, make yourself a cup of tea, and put on something mindlessly comforting to watch. If you struggle to sleep, then download the calm app and listen to a sleep story whilst breathing in for 4, hold your breath for 7, and breath out for 8. Better days ARE ahead, this is just a really tough patch to hang on through. Sending huge hugs x

Can’t bear that ds saw me crying and looked sad. I hate myself for that, his little face

Op, you've been so strong and capable for months that something had to give eventually and today was the day. Just have a good cry. It will be a release for you and hopefully come morning you’ll be feeling a bit better. Of course it’s possible that you may feel just as bad and if so perhaps you could make an appt with your Dr to see if you maybe have the makings of a depression starting. Don’t ever underestimate just how well you’ve done and just how well you are going to do as time goes by. You deserve so much credit. And is it at all possible to confide in your mum about being so upset today? Just so yo7 have her onside and she knows you are needing some TLC.

I hope you can get some rest tonight and that everything looks brighter in the morning.

Was your mum really trying to hold your baby with a hot drink in her hand? Because you’re right to be angry at that, she was an idiot. You are not an absolute bitch, you’re a single mum doing your best.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good mum. You are good enough..Take a deep breath you've got this. It takes so much strength to go through what you have. Being a parent of a young baby is super tough and can break most of is at some point.
Be honest with your mum about how you are feeling and it would be a good step to chat to GP. Sending you a big virtual hug

You are allowed to be human - be kind to yourself.

It's tough being a mother. Really tough.
There will be days like this, partner or no partner.

But not all days feel like this.
There are people who care about you.

Going back to work after a baby is both liberating and heartbreaking all in the same half hour, and it takes time to adjust. It's a headwreck. You are not the same person who left the job when pregnant.
You have to grieve the loss of the old you.
Your body is at work but your mind might be with the baby.
And having a baby who grows and changes every day means more uncertainty.

You are slap bang in the middle of another adjustable period so go easy on yourself and cut yourself some slack.

You're not a rubbish Mum. It's bloody hard on your own.
Hope you feel better soon.
Do you think you might have PND ?

Sounds like a massive dose of exhaustion OP

You have brought up a baby alone (your first?), now going back to work and sorting out the logistics of that alone. Give yourself a break, that is A LOT to undertake

Stop reading about how a mother being less than 100% happy and perfect with her newborn causes developmental delay. Most mothers are knackered and depressed and hormonal and cry or shout at some point during the baby months. Most children don't have developmental delay.

You sound like a monumentally good mum who had a bad day. It's fine. Give your baby a huge cuddle and sing to him. Reassure him the stress is over now. If he's clean, fed, cuddled and not in a permanently stressful home, then he won;t be affected long term. He probably picked up on your sadness, but haven;t you ever picked up on his, when he cries in pain with wind or teething? Doesn't mean you are damaged. That's just empathy at work.

Sounds like you made it up with your mum but ring her and tell her you love and appreciate her and shouldn't have taken your stress out on her.

You deserve some support. Jesus, I despair of these feckless, spineless shits of men who can't last five minutes with a newborn once the woman's attention is not on them. You are not the one failing here. You are stressed and overworked and still hormonal. But you are the hero in this.

You aren't a bad person, or a bad mum OP, you're just an imperfect human like the rest of us 🙂. All good relationships experience rupture and repair, you apologised.

It sounds like you have done a fab job in tricky circumstances. I had a baby under less than ideal (very stressful,quite immature, no idea what i was doing, no notion of child paychology) circumstances and he is a very happy, well rounded teenager.

If you're going back to work soon you could be feeling a lot of emotion around that, it's a big change for you. Have a look at this graph that illustrates the emotions we go through when changes happen.

All of this!