I hate myself and don't know how to get through tonight

[helpcry]

My DP left me and ds when he was 4 months old. He doesn’t seem him anymore. I was glad the relationship was over as it was horrendous living with him however I did not sign up to be a single parent. I’ve tried to forge a way forward and ds is now 10 months. I was much happier without my ex.

Today has hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just felt really off and stressed. I was an absolute bitch when I met my mum and I wouldn’t let her hold ds as she had a hot drink and absolutely laid into her saying she never listens to me etc etc. I apologised afterwards and said I was feeling really out of sorts today and I wasn’t sure why, I thought because I am back at work soon and I feel heartbroken I won’t be with ds and also relieved to have made it through maternity leave in one piece. It’s so conflicting. My mum isn’t great with chats about this sort of thing but she would definitely have chatted in general and played with ds. Instead I was a total cow and we left on ok terms but the afternoon was ruined. Ds seemed to pick up on my upset as I was crying in the car and he started crying, this is unusual for him so obviously I had caused it

I then started to have a complete breakdown after ds went to bed. I’ve been crying for over an hour. I am not sure I have brought ds up well. I don’t know how present I was in the months that following his dad leaving. I don’t think I was always that happy and I’ve been reading that it can impact babies development. I am also worrying about the future. Ex pays maintenance but it will barely cover nursery at all so things are going to be hard. I don’t know if I’m a good mum. I love ds so much I can’t beat him having a shit mum. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know where this has come from as the past six months I’ve been strong and cheery around ds and built a nice routine for us. I feel broken tonight and don’t know how to get through the next hour.

I was in your shoes many years ago and it is so tough, so tiring and so relentless. What comes across is your devotion to your little one, that will have laid the foundations for everything. Today has been rubbish, tomorrow will hopefully be better. Thinking of you. I do hope you are feeling a little calmer now and that you have managed to get something to eat and drink. As others have already said, if you were a crap mum you would not be having these feelings and thinking about what effect this is having on your baby. It sounds as if your baby is the centre of your world and your number one priority which demonstrates what a great mum you are. I do hope you have a people you can confide in, I can remember having some mum friends when my child was small and we were able to be really honest with each other about how it wasn't all sunshine and roses and that we sometimes felt out of our depth. When you are a single parent it can feel scary and overwhelming and so tiring. Be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend in the same situation as you.

You sound like an absolutely fabulous mum. Hard days are part of it I’m afraid! Your boy has a beautiful, passionate mum who is doing her best. Take care of you somewhere along the way xxx

Please seek some professional help. And talk to your friends, I’d hate to know you were a friend of mine struggling this much.

You’re a good mum because you care and are worried you aren’t. I don’t know how easier things will get but soon you’ll have a little person who can tell you how much they love you and they will give you the strength to go on. Xx

You sound like a fab mum who just needs to give themselves a break. Could ordering from your favourite takeaway help? Or taking a long bath? Maybe calling a good friend and asking if they could pop over tonight or tomorrow?
I like to eat ice-cream and order clothes online. It’s expensive but fun way to cheer myself up.

Sending hugs! You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

Your DS is so lucky to have you and he loves you, you are his one constant and for that you can never be a failure. When he’s grown up and reliases how much you sacrificed for him doing it all on your own he will appreciate you even more.

Going back to work is daunting and probably what’s making you so emotional. It will be good for you to get back to work but will take some time to find a routine that works for you and DS.

I became a single mum in similar way. Its really hard looking after a baby on your own! You must be absolutely knackered, which is a major impact on how you're feeling. You sound like a great mum and a strong person, you'll get through this phase.

no, your ex is shit
you're strong and today you buckled under the weight you are carrying and that's fine. your strength will return to you.

Just sending some good wishes your way. You have so much to deal with, it's no wonder you are stressed xxx

Please don't worry about crying in front of your DS. It's healthy to show your emotions.
I cried a lot during the lockdowns with 2 small children, and my toddler would come and cuddle me and rub my back. If anything it made him more empathetic.

I doubt that there are many bad mums crying because they think they're bad mums!

Also, everyone cries in front of their kids sometimes. It's normal, natural and healthy.

You've been doing amazing things raising your baby on your own, and you sound like a loving, caring Mum. I think that the extra stress of returning to work has overwhelmed you today, and that's ok, you are a human being not a robot. Your baby will be absolutely fine.

I hope a good cry helps and you feel less down tomorrow.

You are far from a shit mum. You're a human being and you're feeling overwhelmed. Talk to your mum, she'll be fine.

💐Flowers from someone who has been there. It's okay to cry in front of your baby/child, it's healthy for them to see a range of emotions, they need to see that emotions - even so called negative ones - are completely normal. What matters now is how you deal with those emotions and when baby is older showing them/teaching them how to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. It seems to me you've done the right thing, you've apologised for snappy behaviour and then reached out for some support, you should give yourself credit for that. Be kind to yourself, you're going through a difficult time.

Oh and FYI I have NEVER met a shit mother who wondered/cared if they were a shit mother, the fact your even questioning makes me believe you're not.

♥️♥️ sorry you are going through this. I wish that things get better for you and your child

Hi OP.

I was about to suggest PMS and then saw that another poster already had.

That's not to make light of it. It is fucking hell for some women. There is a condition called PMDD which is basically PMS on steroids and is completely debilitating.

I never suffered from any pre menstrual issues until after I gave birth to DC2, the whole experience was incredibly traumatic and I suspect that tipped the balance somewhat.

Out of nowhere came these overwhelmingly unbearable emotions/feelings bang on cue, every month without fail.

I felt completely out of sorts, not myself, cripplingly hopeless and chronically depressed, angry at myself, angry at everybody else. Everything was negative and I couldn't see a way out.

See if you feel any different a few days after your period starts. If so, its likely PMS (or PMS is adding to it)

There are things you can take, it doesn't have to be BC. I'm on a supplement regime that really does help.

Vitamin B6
Zinc
Magnesium
Calcium
Evening primrose oil (star flower oil also highly recommended)

Other things; agnus castus, St John's wort etc.

PMS aside, you've been single handedly raising a baby on your own for all of these months - that's overwhelming! If you've been on auto pilot all of this time it's only natural things would come to a head if you've been bottling everything up.

You're not a bad mum.
Your mum will understand.
You're doing great.

You sound like an excellent mother. Nobody can be perfect all the times. So don't worry about today. Take a deep breath, have a cup of tea and watch something funny on telly.

Sometimes grief and delayed reactions arise when you least expect them. These feelings feel overwhelming now, OP, because you're in the grip of them, in the eye of the storm. They will pass, and you'll get more perspective on things. Don't believe your thoughts. They're just thoughts, not the truth. Be kind to yourself, get as much rest as you can, and try not to mentally beat yourself up. Sending love.

I don’t know if I’m a good mum.

Nursery teacher of 25 years here.

You are a good mum. Yes your baby saw that you cried, and will soon see you being happy again. This is a part of life, and very important underestimated to show your children from early age that most feelings are normal. You do not need to think you have a few bad days and it’s suddenly a huge menthal health problem because you feel sad. It’s normal. And you have a reason to feel sad, it must almost feel like grief.

And please, talk to your mum.

It will be built up everything just releasing. Just cry it out and don't feel bad about doing so. You are an amazing mum because you've got this far and that has all been down to amazing you. Give yourself more credit.

Can I tell you a little story?

As soon as I gave birth to my (much wanted) son I was hit with severe postnatal depression and anxiety. I struggled to bond, was suicidal, don’t remember most of his first two years, and even “abandoned” him when I had to go into a mental health facility for a month when he was 2.

He is now 14 years old, and we are SO close! We have a great relationship and an amazing connection and unbreakable bond. He confides in me all his thoughts and worries - even girls he likes! - he bear hugs me every day and we say I Love You multiple times a day (he even says it when his friends can hear).

PLEASE don’t panic about your bond with your DS, he is still so tiny and you are meeting all of his needs and showing love all day long in a million tiny ways, and he feels it, I promise!

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. You care so deeply, a few “off” days now and then because you are human is not going to do any long term harm.

Be much kinder to yourself- you will be OK.

Exactly.

Everyone messes up their children. You can’t help it. We pass on all our traumas and faults, not to mention crappy genes. But the most important thing, by far, is that the child feels loved and wanted. I have seen this time and again. All the screwed up people I know have one thing in common - they felt unloved and unwanted as children. So long as your child feels loved, and knows he’s loved, he’ll go through life with a warm, solid inner core.

You’re a great mum - I can tell just from your post. You’ve done a great job despite hard circumstances so please take a moment to give yourself a huge WELL DONE!!!! Also I found (as have my friends) that the end of maternity leave is like leaving the baby funk bubble and it’s a sort of transition from the first stage onto the next. Freaking out and rethinking everything at this time is very very common and normal!! It’s a sign you’ve reached the milestone and it’s been a success!! Honestly op I wish I knew you irl because I’d get you a glass of wine and give you a massive hug. Bring a single parent is so so hard but you are doing brilliantly and your baby is lucky to have you as his mum. Hope you’re feeling better. Do something nice for yourself- a bath, a treatment- anything even small. Look back and realise you’ve made it and the best is still yet to come! Tomorrow plan something lovely and enjoy your baby. He’ll thrive when you’re at work honestly he’ll be ready and raring to go xxxxxxxx

Your child is fed, your child is clothed. Your child is warm, not hungry, not thirsty.

You are winning.

You have had a shit day, a shit couple of shit days. Your child does not care. Your child is warm, not hungry, not thirsty.

You are winning.

You are winning.

Take a moment, stop, relax, and realise the above.

You are winning.

Tomorrow, you get to work on yourself, you get to work out what you need to be happy, what you need from life.

Today, you need to focus on one thing

You are winning.

Firstly. You're not a shit mum! You posted here. You wouldn't be if you were a shit mum.

This is all completely normal. I promise you, I still have days like this and my boys are 12 and 16 now. Motherhood is overwhelming at times and it's bloody hard doing it on your own.

Be kind to yourself