I hate myself and don't know how to get through tonight

[helpcry]

My DP left me and ds when he was 4 months old. He doesn’t seem him anymore. I was glad the relationship was over as it was horrendous living with him however I did not sign up to be a single parent. I’ve tried to forge a way forward and ds is now 10 months. I was much happier without my ex.

Today has hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just felt really off and stressed. I was an absolute bitch when I met my mum and I wouldn’t let her hold ds as she had a hot drink and absolutely laid into her saying she never listens to me etc etc. I apologised afterwards and said I was feeling really out of sorts today and I wasn’t sure why, I thought because I am back at work soon and I feel heartbroken I won’t be with ds and also relieved to have made it through maternity leave in one piece. It’s so conflicting. My mum isn’t great with chats about this sort of thing but she would definitely have chatted in general and played with ds. Instead I was a total cow and we left on ok terms but the afternoon was ruined. Ds seemed to pick up on my upset as I was crying in the car and he started crying, this is unusual for him so obviously I had caused it

I then started to have a complete breakdown after ds went to bed. I’ve been crying for over an hour. I am not sure I have brought ds up well. I don’t know how present I was in the months that following his dad leaving. I don’t think I was always that happy and I’ve been reading that it can impact babies development. I am also worrying about the future. Ex pays maintenance but it will barely cover nursery at all so things are going to be hard. I don’t know if I’m a good mum. I love ds so much I can’t beat him having a shit mum. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know where this has come from as the past six months I’ve been strong and cheery around ds and built a nice routine for us. I feel broken tonight and don’t know how to get through the next hour.

I think the reason you got upset with your mum today is because you are juggling so many balls and you are not allowed to drop any of them. You met up with your mum in the hope that you could relax and she could take over for a moment, and then she was holding a hot drink while trying to hold your child, and that made you realise that even with your own mother, you can't stop. You have to have those balls in the air the whole time. That is incredibly stressful for you.

You need to be very very kind to yourself. It's really tough being a single mum, I know, but you will get through it and you have a lovely relationship with your beautiful child.

❤️ you love your baby , you are a wonderful mummy . Thinking of you .

My ex partner left me and our baby when they were about 6 months, this was around a year ago. I went from crying several times a day, to every day, to every other day etc until it’s only once in a while

it IS and will be incredibly difficult but you will get through it and you will find your groove

it’s hard enough to grieve the relationship which you feel you don’t really have time to do when you have your little one to look after but you will, slowly but surely
add this on top of all the parenting struggles and it is so overwhelming!

just take it one day at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself

This^
I was lucky that I had a couple of friends who I could offload on to. As a FTM you will always come across women who seem to have cracked it but generally it’s because they have managed to hide a lot of their feelings. But please ring your mum and tell her you love her, as another poster has suggested, it’s hard to see our children suffer and we don’t always have the answer, but as mothers we should always appreciate each other.

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this .

You’ll get through tonight. Put a comforting TV show on and curl up on the couch until you are ready for bed. You’re a good mum and nothing that you are feeling now changes that.

Tbh many parents who actually are shit parents and ought to question themselves, think they are great parents. It’s parents like you who reflects on their parenting that are usually the best ones.

You daft bugger worrying over it too much! (You wouldn't care if you weren't a nice person) You are doing great overall being a single parent with all the responsibility. Please don't dwell on today so much. Everybody has an off day. Hormones, stress, sleep deprivation. Granny shouldn't have had a hot drink near him. You apologised.

have some chocolate if you've got it. Get an early night and don't be so hard on yourself.

@helpcry Being a new mum is hard enough- being a single parent is really tough.
I'm sure your mum will understand- apologising is so important , and you did. That's OK.
Onwards and upwards- if you were a ''Shit mum'', you'd not be on a forum asking about it.

You sound like a lovely mum.

This ⬆️

Absolutely true.

Oh my goodness, poor you OP.

You’re exhausted and need to get your head down.

I just want to give you a massive hug and your little one just loves you, as does your mum.

tomorrow is a new day.

They are so sensitive, but Millions of babies see their mums cry, worldwide.

Don't worry, your son will be fine - He will sense your love for him. 💕

hi there! I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. But please don’t beat yourself and worry about crying in front of your ds! He will be fine, you sound like an incredibly thoughtful mum. I too have cried in front of my baby (and I’m not even a single parent!). It happens sometimes - as much as we’d ideally like it not to — now what matters is you getting some support for you - you matter mama! You can’t pour from an empty cup x

Have you looked into cognitive behaviour therapy? It does help you can self refer online.

OP remember babies/toddlers are the world experts on crying! They cry to communicate loads of different things because they're pre-verbal for ages, and then even once they start talking they still cry frequently, for quite some time, in order to communicate lots of things they still don't know how to say. So today when you started crying, you were with a total pro! And it wasn't harmful to your baby to see you crying, in fact he joined in the conversation! At this stage, as far as he's concerned, if you start crying you're basically speaking his language. Your crying validates him, in a way, makes him feel more human. So don't worry about it for another moment, seriously. You're going through a very very understandably tough time at the moment and you'll get through it, but trust me, babies are very at home with crying and the language of emotions. He's fine, and you will be too. You're an amazing mum, please trust yourself.

OP you are amazing! You are mom and dad to your DS. Those early months are incredibly difficult- and even more so as a single mom. Also your body is adjusting to post pregnancy. You're probably sleep deprived too. Please don't be too hard on your self.

It may be hormones. It may be the pressure of going back to work.

If you can look after a baby on your own for 10 months, you're a star! Plus looking after yourself, the house and the finances! That's fantastic. I don't think I could have done that. Be proud of your achievements.

Don't worry too much about the baby seeing you when you were sad. It's a one off- I doubt it effects him. He has an amazing mother.

You sound great, OP. You are doing a fantastic job with your DS.

Sorry you feel that way. Anyone else to talk to? A good friend? Sending hugs x

Defo thought straight away is this pmt. I don't think people realise how bad pmt can get especially if it's pmdd

This is so sad. You have been through such drastic changes over the last year -first a new baby, then the ending of a relationship you thought was forever and now you are having to confront going back to work. All that and then PMT - it's not surprising you had a meltdown.

Never underestimate the emotional strain a break up of a serious relationship can bring. It's obviously not a bereavement in many ways but the pain can be just as bad because someone you loved and trusted is choosing to make you feel like this. IMO it sounds as if you are suffering from delayed shock at your partners leaving. You coped at the time by running on adrenaline but now the anger and hurt is starting to break through. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say you are suffering from post traumatic stress - but not post traumatic stress disorder. This isn't a disorder , it's a reasonable delayed response to a terrible situation.

I think counselling would be really helpful to you.

you sound like a strong, capable person and a lovely mum. You just need some support to get you through this difficult time.

I’m here supporting you in spirit OP. X

Sending love. I hope you are sleeping soundly tonight.
Take tomorrow as a recovery day and be very gentle with yourself. 💐

You sound like a really lovely mum who cares so much about their little one. He will not remember you being sad. We all make mistakes, lose our temper and have wobbles and ups and downs, and it is so hard being a single parent but you are clearly there for your son and thinking about his needs and trying to do your best in difficult circumstances, and that is enough! Well done for making it through the first 10 months! Enjoy some cuddles and be kind to yourself.

I hope you feel a little brighter today OP.

To all the single parents posting on here- you are all amazing, and if I ran the world you would all get free holidays. I'm so sorry so many of you were let down by the person who should have been 100% focussed on supporting you.

OP, I hope you are feeling more positive today. Your little boy is so lucky to have a mummy as caring as you.

Hope you are feeling a bit more positive today xx

Being a single parent was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, even though I had it easier than many single parents in a lot of ways. There were times of sheer despair, and only now with hindsight can I see I was depressed and should have sought help. Perhaps a visit to your GP?

It was also the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I have a fantastic relationship with my son, and you will too. This will pass. You and your son will have so much love, laughter and joy together.