I hate myself and don't know how to get through tonight

[helpcry]

My DP left me and ds when he was 4 months old. He doesn’t seem him anymore. I was glad the relationship was over as it was horrendous living with him however I did not sign up to be a single parent. I’ve tried to forge a way forward and ds is now 10 months. I was much happier without my ex.

Today has hit me like a tonne of bricks. I just felt really off and stressed. I was an absolute bitch when I met my mum and I wouldn’t let her hold ds as she had a hot drink and absolutely laid into her saying she never listens to me etc etc. I apologised afterwards and said I was feeling really out of sorts today and I wasn’t sure why, I thought because I am back at work soon and I feel heartbroken I won’t be with ds and also relieved to have made it through maternity leave in one piece. It’s so conflicting. My mum isn’t great with chats about this sort of thing but she would definitely have chatted in general and played with ds. Instead I was a total cow and we left on ok terms but the afternoon was ruined. Ds seemed to pick up on my upset as I was crying in the car and he started crying, this is unusual for him so obviously I had caused it

I then started to have a complete breakdown after ds went to bed. I’ve been crying for over an hour. I am not sure I have brought ds up well. I don’t know how present I was in the months that following his dad leaving. I don’t think I was always that happy and I’ve been reading that it can impact babies development. I am also worrying about the future. Ex pays maintenance but it will barely cover nursery at all so things are going to be hard. I don’t know if I’m a good mum. I love ds so much I can’t beat him having a shit mum. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know where this has come from as the past six months I’ve been strong and cheery around ds and built a nice routine for us. I feel broken tonight and don’t know how to get through the next hour.

Shit mums, don't worry if they are shit mums. You've been through the mill, its your head processing, and your body is having a release. I went, though, similar and I'd find myself whaling, i realised I needed to let it out to allow myself to heal, cope, and carry on. Being on your own financially is hard!

Are you on universal credit? If not, get on it. I'm not sure how much you would get, but it may help you, ring CAB, see if you're entitled to anything

You poor thing- I've been where you are now (emotionally) and it's horrible. Please know that you are a wonderful, kind, caring mum and your son is lucky to have you. He will not remember seeing you cry, I promise. You are an absolute hero to have been a single mum for six months and still be functioning- as I said, I've felt like you do now and that's despite having a very supportive wife. I can't imagine how hard it's been to have been solely responsible for your son.

Why don't you give your mum a call, apologise again and just say you are struggling emotionally at the moment. Then maybe put on a comedy to distract you and calm you down before you go to sleep?

I'm sorry to read that, I think you sound like a really caring mother who feels overwhelmed.

I also had an emotional collapse today, and , just so you know, behaved a lot worse than you did

Please ask for help. You are overwhelmed and emotionally drained, and that is OK. It's OK to need help. Your Mum has been there with a little one and the hormones and stress, she won't hold it against you.
I have had friends come and stay with me so I can help with their babies, can you ask a friend?
Also, I have a scar on my right boob from my Mum spilling hot tea on me when I was a baby. Its very noticeable and can't be healed. When I had my babies, I was crazy about hot drinks too, it holds its heat for 30mins!
Please believe that you are being wonderful, you care, you research, you love, you are doing everything right. Just take some time to look after you.

How much you care about everything and how hard you are being on yourself absolutely jumps out of this post.

Try to do something relaxing at the weekend, maybe with your mum for a bit of time. Try to rest as much as possible as you make the transition back to work - it is tough and exhausting.

I clicked "I am being unreasonable" only because I think you need to be so much kinder to yourself. You sound like a wonderful person and a great Mum. We all have bad days with babies - where we cry/ maybe even scream etc - and God, we have a lot less reason to have them than you do.

There is so much maternal guilt in the world - and most of it is not justified. I had my first baby during Covid and was terrified that my son was developmentally delayed as a result of not being around other people etc. He is now a lovely 2 1/2 year old who gets on with so many adults. My point being, children catch up - if your baby even has any need to.

Going back to work after having a baby is incredibly difficult though. Am sure others have more wisdom on this to offer, all I wanted to say is: please be generous to yourself. Also I bet your Mum understands but an apology and explanation always goes a long way in my experience.

Ah the adrenaline has worn off.. you are out of survival mode.. and simply processing the absolute massive thing you have been through.. not only a parent but a single parent.. that is huge! With the hormones.. all your feeling are valid but the reasons are not.. you are brave and strong

It sounds really like pre menstrual stuff.
If I ever had a weepy day, I'd look at the calendar, and think 'ohhhhh that's why everything is so hard today'
Don't over think it, lovely, you are doing so well in a tough situation.
And it's absolutely ok for our DCs to see us upset! That's how they learn that we are all human, we have feelings, and that we CAN deal with them, and it's ok to let those feelings out.

Hope you feel more yourself again soon.
Hang on in there.

Could it be hormonal? Im a bitch to my mum (and most people) in the days before my period.

But that's what parents are for, I'm sure you're not usually like that. She'll forgive you.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve happiness x

Sounds like you’re doing a good job actually 💐
Being on your own with a baby is hard - I know !
Going back to work will also be hard, but you’ll get into a routine and it will start to be nice being around adults again and enjoying your job. Just take a day at a time xx

Hi @helpcry omg you are an amazing Mum xx
My husband asked if i wanted a divorce a week after i gave birth. He made my life a misery. I was literally crying all the time. I dedicate every bit of me to my baby girl and i hope those crap days are forgotten about.
Stay strong, you got this 💪

There is no way, on this green earth that he will a) remember this day or b) be harmed by seeing you cry in any way at all. Life is tough sometimes and you are doing this on your own which is even tougher, I think your feelings and emotions are completely understandable, trying to subdue them is likely to do more harm than good. I take my hat off to you, you are doing much better than you think.

Hey you’ve been through a lot, and are about to embark on a big change going back to work.

the fact you are in turmoil says to me you are a brilliant mum.

i know you say your mum isn’t good at chats, but maybe pick up the phone to her, explain your feelings, maybe she can offer you some insight and comfort.

hang in there, being a mum is tough, doing it on your own is even tougher.

sending you light and love, this will pass x

I'm glad people are being supportive. You sound like you're doing a great job under tough circumstances and a good crying jag is probably long overdue tbh. Look after yourself this evening. Things will feel better than this again.

My husband left for another woman when I was eight months pregnant. I've been looking after a newborn and two very young children on my own 95% of the time for the past few months so I can relate to how you feel.

How are you sleeping? Still breastfeeding (you sound a bit hormonal)? Is your little one sleeping through the night? The exhaustion of being a single Mum and never getting a break is insane and I would think that has a lot to do with how you are feeling now. Get to bed early tonight and just keep taking one day at a time.

You're doing a good job! There's nothing wrong with a good cry.

Sending you a big hug as a fellow young baby mama. And honestly been there!!!! It’s really really hard and doing it alone is even harder, you’re AMAZING. I guarantee by tomorrow your little guy will have forgotten all about the crying - also it’s just a normal part of life seeing and experiencing emotions - I was upset when my baby saw anger from my FIL and my therapist said “why? Anger is part of being a human, you can’t shield him from that forever” that kind of thwarted me!! Be kind to yourself. sometimes we just need to sit in the cowpat. Sit in the cowpat. All will be well. A lot of people care for you (clearly) I for one will keep you in my thoughts tonight xx

If you were a man, people would be queuing around the block to tell you what an amazing dad you are raising a child alone. Women - nah - we're just supposed to suck it up. So many women are left literally holding the baby. Their careers suffer, their pensions suffer, their personal life suffers, yet the "father" is off living his life without a care in the world. You are doing an amazing job and you are a brilliant mum.

When my daughter announced she was pregnant my heart sank. Her DH is lazy and selfish. Her DC is now 3 yrs old and she does nothing but complain to me about how lazy and selfish her DH is!! If it ends in divorce she will be up the creek without a paddle as he has the "big important job". She's been working a MNW job, but wants to get back into her professional industry - his response is to say he can't possibly take any time off for DC illness etc, and ok then she can work and he'll stay home. He's a fucking pig.

I'm so sad for my daughter. I had hoped things had improved for women, but generally speaking they really haven't.

I'm over 6 months ahead of you in single parenthood. It's hard. Really fucking hard. So cry, let it out, incase it comes out in other ways. I've cried in front of my son more times than I can count. I feel awful, during and after. He's 4 so not oblivious. But we're teaching them that feeling and showing emotions is normal. Easy for me to say now, but I'll be devastated the next time I cry in front of him.
Do something for you every day, cup of tea, nice bath, a book, anything. Your son needs a mum who is healthy so to put him first, put yourself first.
Reach out to friends and family for any support you need. Never turn down the offer of babysitting, you need space to breathe, refresh, then get back to it.
You'll manage financially, somehow we get through it. Make sure you're getting all benefits you're entitled to. Check online as I know childcare payments have increased but I'm sure they're now paying people upfront. You'll get free hours from 2 years old.
Until then learn to be thrifty, cook what you can from scratch, I've saved a fortune. Buy on vinted, there's some brilliant bargains to be had there.

And most importantly, don't ever forget what a fantastic mother you are. Settled and in a routine already, you're only thought is your son when you're crying yourself. What a very a lucky little boy.

No emotion is ever the final one.
Sometimes you have to go right down and through it to process something and be able to move on.

First off, a big massive hug from me.

you sound like a lovely mum. Dealing with being a single parent is hard, you have done amazingly so far and you will continue to do so. It is okay to have the odd off day, whether it’s PMt, or you’re tired, or it’s just hit you after holding it together for six months.

You said you’ve been reading about how upset can affect your baby. I have read that stuff too and I can’t emphasise this enough - when they talk about it unlacing babies they mean long term. You crying in front of your baby occasionally is not going to damage him.

Take care of yourself tonight - as others have said, maybe call your mum, or a friend.

It sounds like you are definitely better off without stupid ex. You’ve got this. You will be okay.

Stupid typos !

they talk about impacting* babies

It sounds like you have had a really hard time and you have kept everything in for so long that it's suddenly all bursting out. You are absolutely not a shit mum you have been through a lot and you are doing your very best. Don't be worried to feel like shit and feel sad. I get days like it and I feel guilty for even being upset when my baby is the best thing in the whole world to me but the reality is that we can't be happy 24/7 it's a hard job raising a little one and sometimes it can just defeat us. It will all be okay.

This says it all!! Imperfect human and for some reason our brains have a habit of telling us all horrible stories like this that we are bad people. You are not, you are human. I do this when I look back at how I’ve brought my kids up when I’m feeling down, I only see the negative and not the positive. It’s a malfunction in our brains when we are feeling down.

try to think of this voice in your head as some annoying friend who is literally talking shit! That’s honestly what it is. It’s not true is total shit! Tell that annoying friend to f@ck off and leave you alone! xxx

Pls don't beat yourself up about this. I've been where you are (my (now ex) DH left just before I went back to work following maternity leave) and it can be really overwhelming. It sounds like you're doing a great job keeping your baby safe and being aware of his - and everyone else's feelings too.
Let yourself cry, get angry with the situation and acknowledge how you feel. That's healthy and normal. And in doing what's best for you - you'll be helping your son too.
If you feel it's carrying on too long, definitely see your GP. But it sounds like your reaction is totally normal. Nobody can keep it together the whole time in this situation.
Pls be kind to yourself.
It doesn't hurt your son if he sees you upset every now and then. You guys are a little team and you'll get through it all together.
I totally understand the guilt of not being able to remember things. The first couple of years are bit of a blur for me. Some days were just about getting to the end of the day. Some days we stayed in our PJs all day. There were lots of cuddles and lots of love, but also times were tough. If it helps to know, mine is 16 now and he is such a lovely, kind, happy boy and we still have a really close relationship.
Have definitely been ups and downs, and I've had to ask for help (counselling/GP etc) along the way. Just listen to yourself, acknowledge your feelings - they are all completely valid, and know that you will get through this and be there for your son. It might not feel like it tonight but you've got this and you're doing great xx

☕️💐🍰

You are a good mum, you’re doing a hard thing, and no wonder you’re flooded with emotions - but you will be ok, and so will DS. Hang in there. Be very kind to yourself. And keep coming back here and telling us all how you feel, if you want to.