Dump friends or overreacting?

[fascinatingSaida]

So for years I've been a bit of a social coordinator amongst a group of friends who jokingly called me their social secretary. I organised nights out, trips away, walks during the pandemic etc.

I've just discovered that my friends have got a sub group who are an almost identical group (minus me and one other). They regularly meet up in the local pub or go for dinner.

No one has ever invited me to go along, despite some of these people being what I thought were close friends.

I now feel like the world's biggest numpty and very hurt. How hard is it to ask me along? I feel like such a moron. AIBU to dump them or is that a self-destructive overreaction? It's really knocked my self-confidence.

Are you absolutely certain this is the case or could someone be trying to stir up some drama by providing you with inaccurate information?

I really feel for you. I recently found out a bigger group of friends also has a smaller WhatsApp group too and they plan things together. I don't know what, because I'm not in the group!

Lots of them have known each other longer, have kids who are friends etc so I can see why, but it still feels a bit hurtful to know I'm not in the gang.

If you stepped back from organizing, would you see these people?

I would step back and see what happens.

I would definitely take a step back from the group. I might not totally right off all the friendships but I certainly wouldn't be going out my way for them.

How did you find out about the other chat?

Just turn off notifications, stop organising things and draw a line. Move on with people who can be bothered with you

Don't dump them but stop organizing and slowly fade out. Arseholes.

soz these folk are
arseholes, have they told u anything at all about these meetings? if no then i would
tell them all to piss off, load of users.
if tho it is something genuine or a one off for something then fair enough but still
no reason to tell u, sounds lane to me x

sorry fat fingers i mean no reason not to tell
u, they are lame.

Thanks everyone. If I step back I doubt I'd see them, which I suppose is quite telling.

@CastleTurrets there is a lady who is quite new to the bigger group and is the one who has arranged all of the other stuff. I don't know her very well but she seems to want to be in the middle of it all, which I think is why it's happened. She's very popular.

I'm not hurt by her as I don't know her very well, I'm hurt that my longstanding "close" friends of over a decade didn't think to ask me along. I did mention it to one of them and said I was a bit hurt but apparently it's awkward to ask me along because it's her invite.

It's really eating me up, I'm really doubting myself.

I don't know, OP. I live in a village and everyone knows each other. I'm in several WhatsApp groups of different combinations of local friends (and I'm sure there are lots of others I'm not part of). Some of them have quite a bit of crossover with each other. They weren't set up with the deliberate intention of excluding one or two people though - usually someone sets one up for a specific reason (eg a social event) and then the group carries on being used to chat and arrange things. It's possible that something like this has happened?

I’d stop organising things and let it play out. New lady may be popular now but excluding someone is unkind. If the others are true friends they won’t tolerate this for long.

How did you find out? If someone in your group told you and you're close to them then I might try to maintain that friend for separate catch-ups. Other than that, I'd ditch them all. What a bunch of cold arseholes.

I know it doesn't help but this is why I'm glad I don't have a big group of friends.

Possibly @LobsterCrab, I don't know. I know it's a regular thing in my local so I can't see any reason not to ask me along. Maybe it's just thoughtless.

To be honest it's really made me think, I'm worried I won't have any friends if I step back but also maybe they weren't friends in the first place.

Just take a massive step back, see if they miss you and invite you.

Oh you're being Wendy'd then?

Do a search on here for the term.

You’ve been Wendied. It’s a thing. Google it.

A newcomer has come along and pushed out people in the group? Sure there's a Mumsnet name for that. It's very common I think. You were the organiser before, she took your place and pushed you out.

I wouldn't even give the satisfaction of a scene. This other person who's being left out must be hurt as well

That's it.

Exactly this.
it’s still shit OP, you have my empathy x

Why take another female name and use it for something unpleasant? These gendered slurs should be allowed to die out, not promoted.

That is really awful. I really feel for you. It's so upsetting. I would be so tempted to put something on the WhatsApp group and say how hurt you are.

You sound like a good friend, it's their loss they're idiots.

How hard would it be to say for one of them to say let's invite fascinating.

Try and organise things with other people who deserve you.

What is wrong with these women not pulling up the wannabe queen bee that is excluding OP? Vile behaviour and no moral compass.

I'm in a number WhatsApp groups that crossover different friends from the same larger group and they have been set up for various reasons but still all get used. I also know that there are groups I'm not in and I know that people go out without me and at times myself and others go out without some others. We don't all have to go out altogether at the same time.
However, people in my groups will hear about the other social events and even conversations in other groups so it isn't all secretive, it's just how things turn out. If your people are being secretive then I feel like there is something a bit off.

Awful
sad to say I’ve had a similar situation recently and it is sooo hurtful
so I agree with the advice others have said above
I really don’t understand how people can do this it’s not nice