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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dump friends or overreacting?

99 replies

fascinatingSaida · 06/07/2023 19:36

So for years I've been a bit of a social coordinator amongst a group of friends who jokingly called me their social secretary. I organised nights out, trips away, walks during the pandemic etc.

I've just discovered that my friends have got a sub group who are an almost identical group (minus me and one other). They regularly meet up in the local pub or go for dinner.

No one has ever invited me to go along, despite some of these people being what I thought were close friends.

I now feel like the world's biggest numpty and very hurt. How hard is it to ask me along? I feel like such a moron. AIBU to dump them or is that a self-destructive overreaction? It's really knocked my self-confidence.

OP posts:

AffIt · 06/07/2023 20:26

Just turn off notifications, stop organising things and draw a line.

I see this a lot on MN and I wonder if it ever works.

If a member of my friendship network started effectively ghosting me like this, I'd assume they no longer wanted to be in touch and would honour their wishes (or 'respect their boundaries', in MN speak).

Seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Mumtothreegirlies · 06/07/2023 20:41

ugh I’d dump them. Honestly it’s not worth it. Keep your dignity and move on x

Original poster

fascinatingSaida · 06/07/2023 20:41

This thread has made me feel better, thank you.

I was feeling a sad and a bit paranoid about it all (is there something wrong with me?). It looks like it's time to move on and find some new friends, why waste time and energy on people who make you feel rubbish.

By the way, I don't think I have been wendied as I didn't introduce the other lady to the group, someone else did.

OP posts:

Spirtedaway · 06/07/2023 20:51

Sorry this has happened to you. Very similar has happened to me recently and it does hurt. I think slowly and graciously extracting yourself from the group is the best thing to do. You sounds like a great friend.

ladyonthebalcony · 06/07/2023 20:53

Urgggh, I feel for you OP, I had something really similar happen to me when DD was in primary many years ago.

It's really unkind and I felt exactly the same as you do.

100yellowroses · 06/07/2023 20:57

Have a think about who you’re real friends are and spend more time with them.

DisappearingGirl · 06/07/2023 21:06

That's horrible OP, I really feel for you.

The only thing I'd say is, try not to assume that the whole group don't want to be friends with you. If the new Queen Bee is one of those very socially popular people and she has set up a group and done the inviting, it's actually very tricky to stand up and say "What about X, can they come". Or someone might even have said that and she might have made an excuse why not. It sounds easy but it's actually quite tricky to stand up to a Queen Bee type, I think. Still very hurtful though.

I think rather than losing the whole friendship group, I'd see if you can continue any one-on-one friendships with the ones you like best.

SadKendall · 06/07/2023 21:08

I'm not sure this sounds like a Wendying, it just sounds like a separate social group with some of the same people, and OP doesn't really know the new person.

I have friendship groups where there are sub groups based on closer friendships/hobbies/some people having kids.

Is this a huge problem? I wouldn't be bothered by it!

dapsnotplimsolls · 06/07/2023 21:31

This is pants. I agree with PPs who've suggested just keeping in touch with the one or two you get on with the best. Don't organise any more group activities.

BeringBlue · 06/07/2023 21:43

As my DH would say: **ck 'em. In my late 30s I had a group of friends I'd known since uni. We lived locally, had great times together. Then I got divorced. They were "my" friends rather than my XH's. I found out I was no longer being invited to things. I queried it. Apparently it was because they didn't want me to feel like I was (and I quote) "a charity case". They are mostly ex-friends.

Hawkins0001 · 06/07/2023 21:46

That's the thing at times the new, replace the old. So to speak

Emmamoo89 · 06/07/2023 21:48

Definitely take a step back x

ButterCrackers · 06/07/2023 21:49

Does the other person know about this? It’s not nice of the others to be excluding you from meeting up. Time for new friends. Say to the group that you won’t be organising events from now on and that someone else can do this if they want. Make time for you and new interests and through that you’ll meet new people.

Gogodonu · 06/07/2023 21:53

So she’s created a new group, with all the same people but you, and then invited them to do stuff? I’d ask her why

SeaPeeps · 06/07/2023 21:56

I think you’ve been excluded because the new woman wants to be Queen Bee and perceives you as a rival. It’s your status, not you personally, which unsettles her. Quite possibly she’ll become tiresome.
As for those who follow her, they’re not worth worrying about. Fade out and find better friends would be my advice.

MisplacedAndDiscovered · 06/07/2023 21:57

If you would not have a frank conversation about being left out, they probably are not worth being friends with.

I try not to be friend as groups. I would stay friendly with the people I want to and leave the rest to it.

Do you have work friends or hobby groups?

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 06/07/2023 21:58

As long as you understand being the most popular doesn't mean being the nicest person op..
Step back. Be less available for those who don't respect or deserve you and find your new people..

Againstmachine · 06/07/2023 22:03

AffIt · 06/07/2023 20:26

Just turn off notifications, stop organising things and draw a line.

I see this a lot on MN and I wonder if it ever works.

Seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Of course it works if people want to keep in touch they will, if not they aren't worth worrying.

Pansypotter123 · 06/07/2023 22:05

I did mention it to one of them and said I was a bit hurt but apparently it's awkward to ask me along because it's her invite.

@fascinatingSaida I'd be more hurt by my longstanding friends not having the gumption to just suggest to the new lady that you should be invited along too. Nothing awkward about it at all.

IamfeelingConfused · 06/07/2023 22:10

Is this new lady on your WhatsApp group?

Ottersmith · 06/07/2023 22:15

So this woman created a new group so she can meet up with her friends but didn't invite you because she doesn't know you that well. Sounds ok. You don't want to feel like you are in school. Rise above it. Is it possible that by organising everything you were being a bit controlling? Either way I think just try to get past it. I belong to lots of different whatsap groups of varying sizes.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 06/07/2023 22:18

You and the other lady who was left off the other group go out together.
Sod em,life's too short.

MsRosley · 06/07/2023 22:21

SeaPeeps · 06/07/2023 21:56

Yep, she's ousted you. Hopefully some of the others will realise this and make contact with you - if not, they were never your friends in the first place and you are better off without them.

Parlourgames · 06/07/2023 22:22

Poor you, it must feel like being at school again. I think this is a danger with groups. I guess your other friends are just going along with what that woman is organising and they don’t see it as in their power to invite you. Personally I would busy myself with new friends, other things and stop organising the group. But I would invite 1/2/3 to do things with you. Break the group up. Divide and conquer.

don’t let the ** get you down!

maddening · 06/07/2023 22:23

If you are particularly friends with a couple of individuals I would bring it up with them face to face and ask why they haven't added you?

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