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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dump friends or overreacting?

99 replies

fascinatingSaida · 06/07/2023 19:36

So for years I've been a bit of a social coordinator amongst a group of friends who jokingly called me their social secretary. I organised nights out, trips away, walks during the pandemic etc.

I've just discovered that my friends have got a sub group who are an almost identical group (minus me and one other). They regularly meet up in the local pub or go for dinner.

No one has ever invited me to go along, despite some of these people being what I thought were close friends.

I now feel like the world's biggest numpty and very hurt. How hard is it to ask me along? I feel like such a moron. AIBU to dump them or is that a self-destructive overreaction? It's really knocked my self-confidence.

OP posts:

Pluvia · 06/07/2023 22:27

Why not start another group with the other woman who's been cut out and a couple of other people. She may have a friend or two who'd like to form part of an informal group. It's shocking that people who happily came along to events you organised have just dumped you. That isn't how decent friends behave.

Maybe in the new group it's an idea to let everyone take turns at suggesting or organising something, so that everyone feels they have a stake in it and no one gets bored with going to places/ activities that you like but perhaps they don't.

Dacquoises · 06/07/2023 22:28

I think some of this is to do with people not wanting to put themselves out to organise things so they go along with whoever is in the organising driving seat. It's lovely to have someone to deal with all the hassle isn't it? Makes life easier just accepting and turning up.

How often do others members of the group take a turn?

They don't want to be left out, so won't kick up a fuss about someone else being left out. It would make them vulnerable.

However, if they get left out you can bet your life they'll be back on your doorstep!

Riverlee · 06/07/2023 22:29

maddening · 06/07/2023 22:23

If you are particularly friends with a couple of individuals I would bring it up with them face to face and ask why they haven't added you?

Good advice, but don’t sound desperate.

I’d be hurt as well.

Fair enough for maybe a couple in the group to go and do something, if they both particularly like poetry festivals etc, but to include all but one or two is off.

Dacquoises · 06/07/2023 22:34

Also, if you doubt you'll hear from them if you stop inviting, that's a clear indication they aren't as invested as you.

Been there, done it, but if the price of admission to this group is to continually give your services without reciprocation or appreciation perhaps they're not the group for you?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/07/2023 22:35

Urghhh something similar happened with my husband's group of friends. We'd get invited to various things...the annual Christmas dinner was ALWAYS booked on our daughter's birthday despite the whole group having every other suggested date free and us requesting it's not on her birthday. They were always meeting up without inviting us, as in the whole group except us two.

The thing came to a head when we'd arranged a BBQ at ours, first time we were inviting them all round to our new house, we were paying for all food (we do high quality so was expensive), the fuckers arranged a BBQ amongst themselves the weekend before and didn't invite us. My husband was so hurt, so he cancelled the BBQ at ours. Haven't seen them since and that was probably over 8 years ago. A couple of them still keep in touch with him every now and then by text but they haven't met up in all these years. One of them, who my husband thought of as his best friend, deleted his number shortly after this! My husband was so hurt as he had thought they were all best friends.

It's so sad, but although I liked some of them, some of them were not particularly nice, mainly the two-faced wives so I personally didn't lose any sleep over it but I felt sad for my husband as he suddenly felt like he lost all of his friends.

In your position, I'd feel hurt, hurt that you put so much effort into organising social meet ups yet they have their own sorted without you! How insulting!

Charlize43 · 06/07/2023 22:40

Dump and don't waste anymore time with them otherwise you'll always be wondering which was the two-faced one whose suggestion it was to set-up a sub group excluding you. Move on, and find friends who really appreciate you - you sound fun and someone who has a lot to give.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I used to see women form these cliques and be two faced at work. Awful behaviour.

Anissue · 06/07/2023 22:53

I think it depends if this group was deliberately hidden from you to exclude you or if it was because the people in the group have something else in common (hobby/interest)…

converseandjeans · 06/07/2023 22:58

YANBU this new friend clearly doesn't want you around. Is she on the main WhatsApp group?

Gothambutnotahamster · 06/07/2023 23:04

It's horrible Op & I'm not surprised your hurt / upset as it's just a mean way for them to treat you.

FWIW, I wouldn't cut contact per se but I would take a step back and look to other friends to organise things with.

whynotwhatknot · 06/07/2023 23:12

its out of order-so all yur friend could say was i couldnt invite you its not my group?

she shouldnt be in it in the first place

DrBlackbird · 06/07/2023 23:21

maddening · 06/07/2023 22:23

If you are particularly friends with a couple of individuals I would bring it up with them face to face and ask why they haven't added you?

If you are particularly friends with a couple of individuals, why not organise a 1:1 outing? After a few times, you could bring up the group thing but not right away.

If they are people you like, give them a chance. Some people are organisers, others not. Keep organising but not in a group and why not see how that goes.

Rubychews · 06/07/2023 23:21

Do you see anyone from this group outside of the group?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 06/07/2023 23:31

I'm not crazy about groups for this reason, or rather, I don't mind going along to the odd group thing, but once that becomes The Group it becomes really stressful and people get left out even if it's not deliberate and the whole things hard work.

I think the main thing here OP is that you are always organizing and that's not reciprocated. Even without the other group issue, that's not ok and sounds like you should just organize exactly what you want to do with one or two good friends and leave the other lot to sort themselves out.

As for the other group, if they were good friends, at the very least they would be organizing stuff with you on other occasions even if you weren't invited by the new group organizer. They aren't so that kind of tells you they are not that good friends and just want to go along and not do anything themselves.

I prefer going for coffee with one or two people these days, I've never made groups work, or rather they do for a bit and then you find out you aren't quite part of it!

Whattheactualwhatnow · 06/07/2023 23:36

OP this is way more common than people realise- if you’re not in a sub group then there’s one that’s been formed without you in it. Is the sun group more socially active than the main group you are in? If so then yes fade them out, as whether intentionally or not, they’ve excluded you and that’s not how true friends treat each other.

MermaidMummy06 · 06/07/2023 23:37

I don't do friendship groups anymore for this reason. There's no loyalty. People just want to be 'in' the group so go with whoever will keep inviting them, even if it means excluding others. In your case, the new lady has pulled them in her direction to be the centre of attention & excluded you, the current organiser. The others feel special being invited & secure in staying in the group. Someone else will come along & exclude the new one eventually as well.

I treat all friendships now with the reciprocal effort given and have quickly realised most aren't worth the effort & will dump you as soon as someone better comes along.

TheaBrandt · 06/07/2023 23:41

Hard to say. I know there are sub groups in our large group - I’m in some not others. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. I have very low expectations of friends and focus on enjoying times I do have rather than dwelling on things I’m not part of. It’s natural to be hurt though. Think it’s the human condition!

junebirthdaygirl · 06/07/2023 23:55

TheaBrandt · 06/07/2023 23:41

I agree here. If you enjoy meeting the group and it suits you l would still do it. Don't let yourself be cut off. If you enjoy a walk or a meal out still do it so you have fun yourself. Do what is good for you. I know some of my friends meet for coffee another morning and probably have a WhatsApp. I am not worried they didn't invite me . But l wouldn't be putting myself out so much to organise too many things and would focus on other friends you have. Or meet up with the other woman who was left out but remember not to get into batching about the main group.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/07/2023 23:57

Not batching!! Bitching!

TheaBrandt · 07/07/2023 07:28

If you need absolute loyalty from friends and feel insecure if they socialise without you the model of having one or two extremely close quite intense “best” friends is probably right for you.

If you want a jolly large group with lots to do different stuff with it’s more fun - but this is the downside. I prefer the latter. I have Dh and my sisters for emotional support I enjoy the company of local friends but yes sometimes I’m left out. But that’s ok. We are all busy adults they are not prioritising your feelings but don’t think that’s necessarily unreasonable.

Sendmymillioninaninvoice · 07/07/2023 07:31

I’ve been there OP. I didn’t dump I just got slightly UNAVAILABLE/ don’t pay as much attention to the group.

I also went out and made new friends. It’s really hurtful OP. Sorry you are going through this

redskytwonight · 07/07/2023 07:36

I never understand threads like this. If these people are your actual friends, then ask them about it!! If they are not really your friends but just people you hang around with sometimes, then it doesn't matter, and do what you want.

(Unless the sub group is for those who have a particular interest/point in common that you don't (for example, I have a friends "sub group" who meet up to do knitting/embroidery/cross stitch and we don't invite those in our wider friendship group who aren't interested in these))

Buildingthefuture · 07/07/2023 07:46

The older I get, the less tolerance I have for this stuff. If I’m in a group and they are specifically excluding someone - I’m out. Or, if they are bitching about others who are supposed to be friends, that’s me done. It fascinates me that the “mean girls” are still going well into their 50s and 60s and tbh, I feel a bit sorry for them. Anyone who is being specifically unkind to or about other people is not a happy person. So I feel a bit sad for them but I chose not to spend time with them. Life is too short and I am much happier for it.

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/07/2023 07:48

I'd say true friends don't behave like this, OP. I think it's time to find new friends.

I'm in a similar position. It's very sad.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 07:54

MsRosley · 06/07/2023 22:21

Yep, she's ousted you. Hopefully some of the others will realise this and make contact with you - if not, they were never your friends in the first place and you are better off without them.

Show quote history

This in a nutshell.

Very hurtful OP.

Pansypotter123 · 07/07/2023 07:55

Or, if they are bitching about others who are supposed to be friends, that’s me done. It fascinates me that the “mean girls” are still going well into their 50s and 60s and tbh, I feel a bit sorry for them. Anyone who is being specifically unkind to or about other people is not a happy person. So I feel a bit sad for them but I chose not to spend time with them. Life is too short and I am much happier for it.

@Buildingthefuture

I could have written this. What's the expression: if they're talking about others to you, they're talking about you to others. I keep well away these days.

And yes, I'm in the 50 -60's age group and I've come across my fair share of "mean girl" behaviour!

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