Dump friends or overreacting?

[fascinatingSaida]

So for years I've been a bit of a social coordinator amongst a group of friends who jokingly called me their social secretary. I organised nights out, trips away, walks during the pandemic etc.

I've just discovered that my friends have got a sub group who are an almost identical group (minus me and one other). They regularly meet up in the local pub or go for dinner.

No one has ever invited me to go along, despite some of these people being what I thought were close friends.

I now feel like the world's biggest numpty and very hurt. How hard is it to ask me along? I feel like such a moron. AIBU to dump them or is that a self-destructive overreaction? It's really knocked my self-confidence.

It’s not necessarily “mean” though is it? Do professional late 40s busy women really plot to be unkind to peers? Maybe it is here but we are a group of about 20 so we have the odd massive night out and big trip but otherwise people do stuff in smaller sub groups.

Id be pretty lonely if my high standards meant I had leave the group because I couldn’t cope with not always being included.

I doubt your friends want to upset you - they are just saying yes to invites. That group might have a connection that doesn’t make them think of you (kids all boys, have the same day off or whatever).

im in groups/not in groups, with some overlap. One or two are in every group as so popular but I’m not and that’s fine as I’ve got my own interests and other friends too.

Develop more friends and do keep inviting this crowd out too but less often?

Hurtful. Im not into big group ops feel its too much drama or sub groups. I do alot alone yeh not ideal but then I think do I need this drama. I was excluded out of a trip by siblings few years back it did hurt me. Im 50.

Your friends are wusses. It's fine for them to want to do different social activities with different friends, but they could easily have told you what was going on or said to the new friend that they felt awkward about you not being invited. I'd definitely lay off organising any further catch-ups and wait to see if they're bothered enough to seek you out to arrange something. If they don't, you have your answer – move on.

I’ve had something similar. I took a MASSIVE step back and built new friendships. I still see them occasionally as they are fun and invite me to the bigger but I know they are acquaintances, not friends, and not to be relied upon. I don’t accept every invitation.

The new girl is still there and dominates every conversation. I can see the others are a bit tired of her these days but that’s their problem:-)

Oh and when we got married they were all offended not to be invited! I just said but you only invite me to the occasional dinner?

It was interesting watching the dawning realisation- that I didn’t see them as close friends any more. By interesting I mean satisfying:-)

I think you're spot on here.

I'd feel hurt, but it is more than likely a passive thing than a deliberate attempt (by your friends - jury is out on the new lady!) to exclude, although it still stings and hurts.

I have people like this, they're so in the moment and will just follow the crowd really. I have one that's annoying me at the moment. Tells everyone how terrible she feels that she's not been to see me at my new place, but seems to have plenty of time to talk to acquaintances about my life as I discovered the other day. Total hijack but wanted to get that off my chest!

As I get older, I just tend to hold these people more at arms length.

@Inkpotlover Its a long term since I’ve heard the term ‘wuss’!

But so true what you wrote.

Now that is massively satisfying! And exactly how to deal with this kind of situation.

It's a woefully underused word and should be used more!

Good for you! This is the perfect way to handle a situation like this. What did they say when you told them why they weren't on your wedding guest list?

Maybe your friends are not deliberately excluding you just the new woman who likes to be the centre of things especially if she doesn't know you. I couldn't be bothered with the pettiness of it so I would maybe find new friends.

Wow thats so hurtful. I'd step back and stop arranging things, to see if anyone actually wants to include me in their plans. If they don't, then they don't like you. I'm so sorry. Focus your energy on making new friends.

It’s a reference to Peter Pan - Tinkerbell comes and pushes Wendy out of the way to get Peter’s attention.

I agree. Your so called friends are a bunch of twats.

Do you only meet as a group? Is that really friendship? I'm going through this just now with my 12yr old dd. Large group of friends that all sometimes meet up. Other times the 3 that like horse riding will meet without the rest. The 2 that like gaming will meet up. Etc. Sometimes one will just pop round to ours to hang out; next day a different one. I've spent 3 or 4 years supporting my dd to understand that she might not always be included for what ever reason and that she doesn't always have to included the whole group either. And you know what I think that's healthy. I think different people bring different things to a friendship. Its lovely to have a group of friends but unrealistic to think that every time something happens the whole group must be included. Reach out to the other that you have something in common with, go for coffee, have a day out. Don't drop everyone because 1 woman that is relatively new to the group and that you don't know well has excluded you from an activity.

I had similar happen to me OP, and I know how you feel. I was in a group of 5, but that group overlapped with a bigger group, leaving 2 of us excluded from quite a few social gatherings, parties etc. The others would mention the parties afterwards or say - see you later! to each other and you'd never quite know what they were talking about. And then you'd sometimes see photos later on FB. It went on for a few years. I knew it was just life and a passively created thing, but it did hurt my feelings regularly. I doubted myself. I didn't do much organising though; I had always been a turner-upper.
Last summer, I just left the group in the end. I was grieving so needed to cut the crap. I have stayed polite. All except one have stayed in touch individually. Two of them invited me to their own parties since, though I couldn't make them. I still keep them at arm's length because they didn't really think of me enough.
I would keep in mind what others have said - it is usually a passive thing and it's not always their own invitation to amend; it's not usually intentional. But I recommend being strong and re-focussing. You will feel better for it.

Your friends if you can even call them that are definitely not worth knowing, they're a bunch of users. While you were doing all the hard work as social secretary they had no incentive to change the status quo. You are better off without them.

just to highlight, the word moron is highly offensive, please stop using it.

Very hurtful op and why I have so few friends...completely overrated.

Thank you for explaining. But what about all the little Wendys (I know one) who come to learn that their name is now a shorthand for something unpleasant? There's no need to use this term.

@daisychain01 I had no idea moron is offensive. I'm so sorry!

@Justtake5 thank you. This is what I have decided to do. I have some amazing, caring friends, they don't live locally (we've all moved away from where we met) but I will make more effort to see them and try to make some new friends nearby.

In the meantime, I will be polite but step away from the others. They don't make me feel good about myself.

Thank you for the advice, this thread alone has made me feel better.

@Splishsploshsplash I will channel you. Great advice. I think it is their loss. Thanks you!

@Curseofthenation I found out when I invited them for dinner and they were all already going together. One of them tried to extend the booking so that I could go too but the restaurant couldn't accommodate.