Advice please - coercive control?

[rosesarentred3]

I'll start by saying if anyone recognises me from other threads I've created under a different name, please do not put those links on this post as all the info added together would make me easily identifiable to friends and family.

After being in my marriage for 10 years, I can see now that I believe my partner is controlling. I see a therapist who feel strongly that this is happening.

There are too many examples to list but I'll list a few:

Starting random arguments about my family out of nowhere, it literally could be anything. Then DP says to me 'see, look, we're arguing because of them, look at what they're doing to us! We shouldn't have contact with them'. This is about various family members and friends. DP has fallen out with many members of my family so it's awkward to see them.

If I leave a wrapper on the side, DP will be annoyed at me, tell me off, go on and on at me about it. But then does the same herself. If I said something she'd go mad.
The other week I said one night that I was going for a shower abr her response was 'does this kitchen look clean to you? Can you honestly say this is clean? Clean the kitchen before you have a shower'.

Saying what clothes to wear and not wear. I put on some summer pants and DP says 'you really look big in them. Honestly, if you're conscious about your weight I wouldn't wear those, they make you look massive'. I'm a size 10. Not that that matters.

My work is extremely confidential. DP will ask me for confidential information about my work saying 'if you don't tell me then you don't trust me' and will badger me about it and eventually not speak to me for long periods of time because I haven't divulged information.

Tells me regularly I wouldn't survive without her. What would I do without her? How did I manage before? etc.

My confidence is so low. I rarely see my friends. I've lost loads of friends since is being together.
DP told me when we first got together that some of my friends who I saw all the time had been speaking about me behind my back saying awful things and made sure we broke ties with them so I don't see any of them anymore.

Will get really mad at my family and say it's just because she's trying to protect me. Even though there's nothing to protect me from.

We have a child. When I was pregnant she insisted that she take the shared parental leave because I'd had enough time to bond with the baby while I was pregnant so it was now her turn. So I returned to work after having the baby. I cried to dp and said I really wanted to be with the baby and couldn't bear the thought of leaving her. But this just turned into an arguments where DP would cry saying she wanted time off with the baby.
A part of me felt like it was the right thing to do because DP continuously told me I wouldn't manage on my own, that I'd probably forget to do what I needed to do with the baby etc. and I really started to worry that would be true and agreed for her to take the leave instead.

Anyway - what I wonder is, what do I do now? I feel like I can't be in this relationship. I don't feel loved. I haven't ever felt loved in this relationship. Do I just leave? In which case this means selling the house and sorting shared custody etc.

Do I try to spend some time building my confidence first? Making friends? Going out more? Meeting people?
I'm always at home. I work at home. Then when I'm not working, I'm always with DP to the point where I now feel extreme anxiety whenever I go somewhere without DP.

Today I was planning a day with DC. DP then started a big argument with me, slagging of my family again etc.
however, I came out.
Is it completely pathetic that I feel chuffed with myself for coming out? I wasn't as anxious as I usually am. Years ago, I wouldn't have batted an eye at coming out on my own.

It all feels such a mess.

Absolutely. The moment they lose control they've all got childhood trauma and can totally understand their own behaviour. Never actually DO anything about it though, that would involve actual change.

I really hope you go and stay at your mum's with your DD. Maybe ask her to come over to help while you pack in case anything kicks off.

As for the not eating, I'll guarantee she's nibbling when you're not about. It's just a tactic, woe is me I'm so upset I can't even eat.

She may well have had childhood trauma, she may well even have personality disorder, BUT she needs to sort that out on her own. And this is not the model for relationships you want your daughter to grow up in.

If you stay things will just slip back to how they were, and you don't deserve to be put through any more of it. She is clearly panicking about losing control, so all the more reason for you to get out asap as she will become more desperate. Distance is required now.

Change is always scary, but take one step / day at a time. Deep breaths - you can do this.

She's using every trick in the book to manipulate you into staying OP, please stay strong and leave with your DC. You've never seen her like this before because you haven't challenged her before, but it's textbook and you are not responsible for her trauma, she needs to deal with that on her own.
Please keep coming back here if you need strength.

Classic abuser script I'm afraid.

When she sees the sympathy/promises approach isn't working, she will soon (today, tomorrow) bring out the anger again, then the threats will follow.

She's just trying out everything in her toolkit to manipulate you into giving in. When the first tactic doesn't work, she will move onto the next. Please try to see it for what it is.

You need to crack on with leaving - police, solicitor, and go to your mum's.

She keeps asking me for a hug or to hold my hand.

This is so gross. She is pushing the boundaries and trying to blur the lines between being an ex and still being in a relationship.

I had an ex like this who would insist on trying to hold my hand after we had split "why is it such a big deal, it's just holding hands." Making it sound like it wasn't a symbol of being in a relationship and that I had no right to not want this and that I was being petty and cruel. Then of course if I did let him hold my hand it was a green light to him that I was consenting to being with him again and he would run with that... he was such a creep. Hold your boundaries and don't let her manipulate you like I was manipulated!

The OP is giving her abusive partner plenty of time to organise herself and protect herself from any accusations the OP may say outside the home.

Neither the OP nor that awful woman are doing whats best for the child which is to involve the police.

Poor child in the midst of such a deeply unstable toxic environment with no one putting her first.

You need to ask the police for a welfare check. She isn't well... Sod her job....

I do agree with @billy1966 in that by dawdling and hanging around you are giving her time to plot and scheme. Which she WILL be doing. Do you think she truly believes what she is telling you? You need to realise that what's going on in her mind is probably something totally different.

You can imagine. She's panicking about where you've suddenly got this strength from. Who have you been talking to and what could you have told them? What have people been telling you to do? What will be coming her way? She will be planning how to deal with this. What card she is going to play.. you're mentally unstable and she's had concerns about you for a while?? Or maybe that she is mentally I'll and has been desperately asking for help and support and no one has been listening??? Or that you're an unfit mum and she's only stayed with you because she's worried for DC...

Believe you me, she is plotting and scheming. The longer you stay, the longer you don't take any action. The longer she has to get her ducks in line and her excuses and 'evidence' ready.

It's been 2 days since you've told her you want to split.

That's 2 days advantage she now has where you haven't taken any action.

Get out now! Take important docs and get to a solicitor and the police!!!

Or she will do something unexpected very soon.

Like walking into a police station herself and claim abuse....

Yes, 100% agree with this. Please read it.

You thought everyone on this thread was overreacting before OP, and acknowledged you'd been wrong. Please remember that and follow the advice here rather than hoping.

I fully understand what you were all saying. I know that she is probably going to be plotting something or making plans.

At the moment she is making suggestions of all kinds, such as saying can we please go on holiday and let me show you that I won't get angry. This is because she usually gets really angry on holiday and has threatened to kill herself before and things like that.

She keeps telling me that we are letting our child down if we separate. And then she is telling me she has let me down as a wife and as a mother and as a person. She keeps apologising for everything that she has done.

I have told her that it doesn't make a difference to me and she doesn't need to keep apologising. It won't change my mind.

She keeps asking for us to spend time together. So when I have said that I'm going to see someone she is asking me can we please spend the day together because she really wants time with us.

She is trying to be affectionate and I keep saying to her not to be because again that isn't going to change my mind.

I know what you are all saying and I am fully prepared to leave. If anything starts to change and she becomes angry again. I have a key to my mum's house and can leave immediately and just go straight there. Equally two other people have offered us a place to stay so I know that we can do that.

She has told me that she hasn't eaten anything for three days and that she can't eat. She keeps telling me she can't even look at our child without getting upset. Thinking of how much we are letting her down by separating. She keeps telling me how much she hates herself, and she will never forgive herself for breaking up our family and causing so much heartache.

OP you've just written an entire post about HER.

What about YOU?

What are YOU thinking, feeling, doing?

What is your plan, for you and for your daughter?

OP you really need to leave.

Stop subjecting yourself and DC to this.

If what she is saying is not changing your mind stop subjecting yourself to listening to it.

Don't wait until she is angry again before leaving. You could be waiting a fair few weeks while she's on her best behaviour.

I think you said before you didn't want to leave unless it was off the back of her doing something bad? In case she makes out you've left her unfairly and for no reason?

You really need to leave today. Before she pulls something or comes up with something so threat full you feel you can't leave. And then you are trapped.

Remove yourself and DC before she finds out what that is and decides to do it.

I feel so sorry for your child.
Neither of you are focused on her at all.

She is spouting any bullshit that she can think of to give her time and to confuse you.........and you are so clearly wanting it all to be true, ......so you are suspending any of the reality of all your posts of the absolute horror of her abuse of you both over the past couple of years.

You have a mother who wants to support you and sees what has been going on, which is such a great thing, yet you still have remained.

You are putting your wish for her and things to be different, ....to the fore of your thoughts,..... front and centre,...... rather than an innocent child in the midst of an absolutely toxic shit show.

So sad......for your child.

I have no wish to be harsh or to victim blame, as I strongly believe in supporting victims of domestic violence.

However, you have written at huge exhaustive length about the horrors of this woman, and how she has clearly abused your child by denying you mat leave and time together, so totally damaging to your child, so barbaric towards YOU,....yet you are choosing to put her and yourself first, by staying.

Neither of you are putting your child first which is so awful to read.

This is hard, I get that.

But putting your desperately delusional wish for this horribly abusive relationship to somehow work out is absolutely not in the best interests of that poor child your abusive relationship has produced.

Please stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of your child.

You know she is going to get angry again. Not leaving now is just delaying the inevitable and putting you and your baby at risk. I sense a hint of reluctance to act, as I'm sure this may feel out of proportion, but I think until you are living somewhere else it will be hard for you to see the reality of all that has happened and how much it is skewing your thoughts on things. Your head is in a big cloud of FOG and it won't start to lift until you are at a safe distance from the person causing it.

Please take up those offers sooner rather than later, don't give her the chance to 'prove' anything, she has had years to do this already.

@rosesarentred3

Please PLEASE stop listening to this woman who has behaved so cruelly to you and is continuing to manipulate you.

You desperately want everything she's now saying to be true - your mind must be racing and your stomach turning. BUT you do need to try and gather up some strength, look at your child, grab any legal documents you can (marriage certificate, your child's birth certificate, both your passports) plus any legal/bank documents which will enable you to have access to cash for a period of time. Either take yourself to your parents or ask them to come and collect you. This is better done without your spouse bring there but maybe having your parents there will help bolster your courage a bit.

DO NOT tell your spouse anything at all until you are safely at your parents. Tell her you are staying with your parents for a little while and need some peace and space for a while and that YOU will contact HER when you are ready.

OP if you cannot be brave for yourself please try and be brave for and protect your child who is also in this horrific atmosphere. I pray you are able to take the first step to safety. Tell everything to those who can help you, eg: parents, police, in particular Woman's Aid who are experienced in helping people escaping abusive relationships. 🌹

As well as taking the advice from pp to leave, I would also try to communicate with her only by email. A paper trail of her behaviour and demands could be very useful.

@Daftapath 10000%

Record as much as possible.

Dates/times.

Email for paper trail!!

@rosesarentred3

What are you waiting for?

What's the rationale for staying?

Just to wait until she is angry again?

When will you go to your mums?

Expect anger and spite from her once she's over the anxiety and heaving.

OP. You Know…you KNOW KNOW KNOW she is manipulating you again with the tears & words & empty desperate promises etc etc. you KNOW this! She’s trying everything- a master manipulator. Open your eyes further OP you already see it in part. You even said yourself she does this for a while then turns nasty & volatile again. You know in your heart what’s going on but as she’s robbed you of self confidence you question yourself. Iv lay awake all night reading this thread & rooting for you & your baby so much because this is the most horrific case of abuse I have ever EVER heard and I worked as a women’s counsellor at a women’s charity . You and your baby need to get away from this individual as far as possible. DO NOT leave your baby with her! DO NOT FORGET how extremely good she is at talking you back then ramping up the abuse days later. OP. I was in a very abusive relationship years ago that nearly destroyed me similar tactics as your wife but it was a fraction of how bad your case is. I recognise the guilt & confusion when they are being nice but you KNOW it’s false.
Please please please leave do not wait until it gets nasty again you owe this to yourself and your baby. YOU ARE BOTH IN HARMS WAY this is NOT dramatic. I promise you. Speak to police ASAP. This like many others have pointed out is the most dangerous time for you & baby, posters are not making that up OP. I feel you know this deep down. I’m genuinely worried for you. You are doing brilliant fucking awesome strength you’ve started to grow KEEP GOING you know you have to get out! Now.
You have got this!!
Go to your mums. A friends. Anywhere safe. Tell police. Stay strong through the ending of this relationship and this hideous time in your life. Keeping talking to therapist family & friends. Keep getting stronger. We are all with you on here!
You will look back at this one day from a much happier, freer place with your baby and be sooo thankful and glad you got out 💐
That’s what you need to aim for as I’m afraid the alternative is extremely grim.

Op?

www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20research%20shows%20that,permanently%20leaves%20an%20abusive%20partner.

It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. OP, there is no shame if you aren't ready or can't do it right now.

You've made so much progress. I really hope you find it in yourself to leave soon.

Please come back to the thread when you need support. We are all rooting for you.

Please see your GP/Police/etc and start a trail indicating abuse before she does.

@Twazique
You are right. She asked me today if I am scared of her hitting me. I told her I am and listed the occasions where she's pushed me etc.

Then she told me I am the violent one. So I am expecting that. I will be logging it with the police tomorrow.

Well at least you're aware that she's thinking along these lines. There will be other things she is planning and scheming that you may not have thought of.

Log everything with the police tomorrow.
Contact a solicitor.

And leave if you haven't already.