Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

609 replies

rumun88 · 06/07/2023 14:31

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

OP posts:
norestguests · 07/07/2023 13:22

Being a SAHM (or SAHD) really doesn't need to 'change the power dynamic.' Of course, I can see how it could do, but it's by no means inevitable.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 13:26

norestguests · 07/07/2023 13:18

I do understand that most families need two incomes Spacemannn, not to mention the COL crisis.

Circumstances are what they are, but, aside from the practicalities, there is also this attitude of "I would never live off my husband, over my dead body would I be funded by a man, being 'the provider' is not fair to him, we are equals..." Why do people think like this? What is not fair to him? He's your husband and you have a baby - what does he expect? You wouldn't be living off him any more than he's living off you. I find this attitude strange.

Carrying the financial load alone can be stressful. I would never expect that of my husband and no, I don't think it would be fair. I also don't expect it simply because he has a penis.

I don't think it's strange at all.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2023 13:26

norestguests · 07/07/2023 13:22

Being a SAHM (or SAHD) really doesn't need to 'change the power dynamic.' Of course, I can see how it could do, but it's by no means inevitable.

It doesn't have to change the power dynamic, no, it's a gamble and sometimes a gamble pays off. But who would want to gamble on their financial health by leaving it all in the hands of someone else?

You're essentially relying on someone continuing to find you as attractive, useful and life-enhancing at 55 as you do at 25 for your financial health. Why wouldn't you build in a bit of insurance to this?

norestguests · 07/07/2023 13:32

You don't have to 'gamble' though. You build a life together. So you have a house in both your names, you make investments together (in both names) over the years that provide passive income, this kind of thing. You do it together. It's not like anything is 'in his hands' particularly. If a man makes you feel like that, it's financial abuse.

Lambiriyani · 07/07/2023 13:34

If you were out on the street with your DH and god forbid you were attacked. Wouldn't you all expect your DH to protect you? As in DH is the one fighting off the attacker.

GCSister · 07/07/2023 13:40

Lambiriyani · 07/07/2023 13:34

If you were out on the street with your DH and god forbid you were attacked. Wouldn't you all expect your DH to protect you? As in DH is the one fighting off the attacker.

What has that got to do with anything?

GCSister · 07/07/2023 13:42

What I love about my relationship with DH is I don't need him.
I love him and he enhances my life more than anyone I've ever met and I want him.... but I don't need him.
That's the dynamic I want in a relationship.

user1494050295 · 07/07/2023 13:44

Wish the narrative around this would change

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 13:47

Lambiriyani · 07/07/2023 13:34

If you were out on the street with your DH and god forbid you were attacked. Wouldn't you all expect your DH to protect you? As in DH is the one fighting off the attacker.

Why wouldn't I be able to protect myself? If I couldn't for whatever reason then of course he wouldn't just stand there and watch me get attacked but I also wouldn't just stand and watch if he got attacked either.

I don't expect my husband to do anything just because he has a penis. I don't need to be financially provided for and I certainly don't need to be protected.

bussteward · 07/07/2023 13:47

Lambiriyani · 07/07/2023 13:34

If you were out on the street with your DH and god forbid you were attacked. Wouldn't you all expect your DH to protect you? As in DH is the one fighting off the attacker.

… are you OK?

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 13:50

It's a sexist stereotype that men should protect women just like men should financially provide for women. pp seems to believe in all of that which is why they are asking I assume.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2023 13:57

norestguests · 07/07/2023 13:32

You don't have to 'gamble' though. You build a life together. So you have a house in both your names, you make investments together (in both names) over the years that provide passive income, this kind of thing. You do it together. It's not like anything is 'in his hands' particularly. If a man makes you feel like that, it's financial abuse.

That's all good and well if it works out. And clearly "building a life together" is the goal and the optimum situation. But it is a gamble, whatever you may think about it. Just under half of marriages fail.

There are plenty of scenarios that stop well short of financial abuse which could unwind this joint life. Your husband could have an affair and leave, he could die, he could become critically ill. Or you could drift apart. In any one of these scenarios, being married and having joint assets etc is sensible and will give you some protection.

But if your husband suddenly announces that he wants a divorce and is leaving, you will probably be waiting for the best part of two years to realise any of that value and will have to go to court to do it. And by the way when you inherit that house, unless you get maintenance you may not be able to keep it up.

"Building a life together" doesn't guarantee any of this.

Lambiriyani · 07/07/2023 13:57

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 13:50

It's a sexist stereotype that men should protect women just like men should financially provide for women. pp seems to believe in all of that which is why they are asking I assume.

I don't think it's sexist. I think it's a good thing.

The providing for bit after marriage is good because in my view you're a team. I would expect my DH to protect me

"Why wouldn't I be able to defend myself". Well in general the men are the more stronger and physically fitter sex.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 14:02

Lambiriyani · 07/07/2023 13:57

I don't think it's sexist. I think it's a good thing.

The providing for bit after marriage is good because in my view you're a team. I would expect my DH to protect me

"Why wouldn't I be able to defend myself". Well in general the men are the more stronger and physically fitter sex.

Show quote history

How isn't it sexist?

Expecting a man to protect you because he has a penis is sexist.
Expecting a man to provide for you financially because he has a penis is sexist.

You may think it's a good thing but it still makes it sexist.

We are a team. This means we both contribute financially and we'd both attempt to help each other in the attacking scenario. Or would you just sit there and watch because it isn't your job to protect him?

norestguests · 07/07/2023 14:15

Thepeopleversuswork - yes of course, but every 'SAHM scenario' is different so you work out for yourself how at risk you would be.

norestguests · 07/07/2023 14:18

SouthLondonMum22 - there are lots of ways of being a team.

On the physical attack thing - of course it's not the same. You don't need to be physically or psychologically the same as a man to be equal. You are equal regardless.

wendyjoy · 07/07/2023 14:20

It's not really a career is it? It's a job.
Why don't you want to be a stay at home Mum?
That's the best job in the world.
I never ever thought of working when my daughters were little.. l wanted to take and pick them up from school.
Spend as much time as possible with them. They're only little for such a small amount of time.. cherish them while they're young.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/07/2023 14:23

wendyjoy · 07/07/2023 14:20

It's not really a career is it? It's a job.
Why don't you want to be a stay at home Mum?
That's the best job in the world.
I never ever thought of working when my daughters were little.. l wanted to take and pick them up from school.
Spend as much time as possible with them. They're only little for such a small amount of time.. cherish them while they're young.

Why didn't your husband want to stay at home? Did he not want to cherish his children while they are young?

anastaisia · 07/07/2023 14:33

I think my choice would be to keep the cafe job for now and enjoy the weekday time off with the children over the summer with DH covering the 2 work days

This would be largely down to timing - just coming into the summer holidays and having to manage new childcare practically as well as the expense of it - though I would be thinking of it as us managing as a whole family, not just me alone.

But then either in September or when youngest qualifies for funded childcare if you want them to go to nursery, I would revisit the situation and probably retrain in something to be able to move into something I care about and find rewarding, that has better long term prospects as the kids grow.

But really, what anyone else would do doesn’t matter! It’s what is right for you and your family, and that might mean DH contributes more childcare money as a short term way of you moving jobs. If you look at it as a family expense rather than your own, and factor in things like career progression and pensions etc then it might seem like less of an issue?

Bloomingbloms · 07/07/2023 14:35

@wendyjoy

Im so pleased that you never even thought of working while your kids were young. I’m glad you managed to bag a rich man (presumably). I hope you never split up from him.

My kids have 2 parents that cherish them thank you very much, so we both spend equal amounts of time with them and share the school runs.

GCSister · 07/07/2023 14:40

Oh @wendyjoy where to start....

It's not really a career is it? It's a job.
And?

Why don't you want to be a stay at home Mum?
Because she doesn't and she explained this clearly

That's the best job in the world.
For some....not everyone agrees.

I never ever thought of working when my daughters were little.. l wanted to take and pick them up from school.

Wait....do you think working parents teleport their kids to school? You can still do that and work you know.

Spend as much time as possible with them. They're only little for such a small amount of time.. cherish them while they're young.
Apart from this being incredibly patronising why is there an assumption that working parents spend no time with their children?
Not all jobs will wait for you....taking a long career break would have been career suicide for me

HeartDP · 07/07/2023 14:44

@wendyjoy I can only make an assumption based on your username that you are from a slightly different generation and veering into Grandparent territory.

If your daughters want to work and have kids (or more likely need to work) please don’t make them feel like shit).

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/07/2023 14:54

@Lambiriyani

I don't think it's sexist. I think it's a good thing.

The providing for bit after marriage is good because in my view you're a team. I would expect my DH to protect me

"Why wouldn't I be able to defend myself". Well in general the men are the more stronger and physically fitter sex.

You believe that you rely on a man to both protect you and sponsor you. How can that not be sexist?

Sorry but I don't think I've seen anything closer to a textbook definition of sexism. 😀

Sissynova · 07/07/2023 14:54

@norestguests "I would never live off my husband, over my dead body would I be funded by a man, being 'the provider' is not fair to him, we are equals..." Why do people think like this? What is not fair to him? He's your husband and you have a baby - what does he expect?

This is the part I disagree with the most. By adding the ‘what does he expect?’ it’s clear you think the only role for women is raising children and the only role for men is going out to work … sure what else would he expect??
18 months is barely a baby.
Personally I’m happy I’m not in a relationship where parenting is all on the mother and fathers are kept at arms length from children, expected to work more house to fund a full family and not be able to engage in family life in a meaningful way. Do you not think fathers want to spend time with their children too?
The uk system is set up that it is far better financially for two people to be earning even mediocre salaries than one person on double. By both earning it means longer term financial security in case of illness or a change of circumstances, greater parity of parenting and better flexibility.

norestguests · 07/07/2023 15:00

I think some people confuse 'sexism' with basic reality. It's like if there's even a hint of suggestion of any difference whatsoever in a marriage, or between men and women generally, it's just 'sexist' and that's it. Discussion closed..

Swipe left for the next trending thread