To wish my parents hadn't moved abroad

[toastbutterandmarmite]

My parents moved to Spain around 15 years ago. I love going away to see them on holidays, it's amazing and I am so happy they are living their best life out there. They do have a cottage in the U.K. but weirdly they purchased a place nearly two hours from me and my brother, so when they are in the country they aren't local. I'm a single parent and my house isn't big enough to have them to stay annoyingly.

I'm not sure of this post, but I just miss having my parents round the corner. I always have even pre children. My mum doesn't seem to understand and just says that 'I'd get bored if I saw her all the time.' And 'I didn't have my mum living local when I was an adult either.' She seems to think it's great that I get holidays (which it is) but it also puts a lot of pressure spending condensed periods of time together. I know they are really happy and I genuinely love that, but selfishly I would love to have them near to pop in and have a cup of tea and have them round for lunch at the weekends. I think maybe, as they are getting older I'm getting more sentimental.

You can wish it, to yourself, but don't give them any hassle, emotional blackmail or are just downright miserable about it.

It's their life, and they can do as they see fit, especially in their retirement.

I agree ^

Although it’s difficult sometimes, you can’t moan about it and make them feel guilty about living their own lives the way they want to.

I know how you feel and it's fine to wish what you wish.
My parents moved abroad for 8 years but came home a few years back once we all states having children. They realised they missed everyone and weren't having the relationship with their grandchildren they wanted. Whilst they say they miss aspects they are much happier being home.

Thank you. I don't emotionally blackmail them or make them feel guilty. I have said to my mum I wish you were round the corner so I could pop in for a cuppa sometimes and that's when she says what she says! I only feel this way because I love and miss them.

I'm in a similar position, off to Spain on Monday to visit.

@JimnJoyce glad you understand! Don't get me wrong the perks are lovely but I am always envious of those who can just pop in to their parents or meet for coffee!

@toastbutterandmarmite yes we do video calls and have family chat but it's not the same

I know it's not the same but can a video call with a cuppa help a bit?

Sorry ignore me - crossposted.

I'm guessing they were thinking ahead and didn't want to get tied down with grandchildren. Don't blame them!

Rather than focusing on what you don't have, try to focus on what you do. In our family, I'm the one who moved abroad - but I see my remaining UK parent, to whom I'm very close, more than my brother (who lives half an hour drive away) does! We speak regularly, and regularly visit each other - and have also done joint holidays in other countries. I understand your standpoint, but in reality very few people live close enough to their parents to pop in for a cuppa, and it's not really realistic to expect either children or parents to remain in the same town/neighbourhood.

Marvellous. This was exactly my plan to move abroad with my children are older, and I’ll have the grandchildren for six weeks at a time in the holidays to save childcare for my kids. I was rather hoping that might be doing my bit. Apparently not

@HuckingFellHire true!!!! 😂 though they adore them! My dad has a saying 'we like spending quality time and not quantity time together.' 😂

But most people live nowhere near their parents, surely -- one or both parties have moved away to study or for work, or for other purposes.

Are you saying, OP, that had your parents not moved to Spain, you would have restricted yourself to living near them all your life?

DH and I plan to leave the country we're currently living in when DS is launched.

You did your bit by raising their parents. Not your responsibility x

I'm in a similar position. Before the move it was "oh we will be back and forth all the time it's only a two hour flight".

4 trips back in 5 years - 2 funerals, 1 wedding and 1 trip to actually see us. What can you do 🤷🏼‍♀️.

😂😂 I love how people seem to think I want them around for childcare, this is not the case haha. I just miss having them local. And, as others have stated, we wouldn't be living in each others' pockets if we were here! Just probably hormonal and emotional!

I find this an odd reply!

By all means move abroad if you want to - that’s up to you. But I wouldn’t dress it up as some how helpful.

Who wants their children away from them for six whole weeks at the age when children still need holiday childcare anyway?

Much better from your kids’ to have parents round the corner to pop in for a chat, or have the kids during the day in the holidays but they come home in the evenings, or even the end of the week. Much more helpful to have someone to call soon in an emergency.

Now you don’t owe your children any of those things but no point dressing up moving away as helpful.

@ThatSunCreamSmell to be fair I wouldn't want to come back to the Uk very often either haha

I didn’t read it as you wanted childcare!

But it is nice to know there’s someone there in an emergency.

(disclaimer - my parents are in the UK but not local to me - they haven’t moved though, I moved around a bit for work!)

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I mean god, the luxury of having parents local for childcare on tap seems unimaginable 🥰

I don't live near my parents and neither of us resent that, it all works out fine. But I do get what you mean about the pressure on condensed periods of time together, where it has to be your dad's 'quality time'. And what about when you want to go on holidays elsewhere? You'll need holidays not with your parents, in other places, but then you don't see them and there's guilt from that.

I know!

Most people I know who have this seem much happier, more relaxed and just “together” than those who don’t - especially where you are a single parents and you don’t!

But obviously not owed - just really nice!

I'm in the same position, my mum moved to Europe, informed me of it with a couple months notice. We were really close and saw each other regularly for lunch, shopping etc so I thought it was weird to suddenly make a change that would impact our relationship in such a big way like it was nothing. I posted on mumsnet about it and everyone said I was BU and she can live her life however she wants etc. Which, yes of course she can, I just miss having her around.

I had a baby shortly after (she knew I was wanting to when she moved away) and now she is always saying to me 'oh I wish I could be around more, I wish I could see you and the baby more often, it's hard being so far away' and I just don't know what to say to her. Yes it would be lovely to just be able to spend an afternoon together regularly and hang out. But if I say that it'll sound like I'm guilting her!

I think what you're feeling is fair and it's a shame you've lost the relationship you had, as a long distance parent relationship is very different to an around the corner one. But you won't find much sympathy here on mumsnet