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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my parents hadn't moved abroad

98 replies

toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 11:23

My parents moved to Spain around 15 years ago. I love going away to see them on holidays, it's amazing and I am so happy they are living their best life out there. They do have a cottage in the U.K. but weirdly they purchased a place nearly two hours from me and my brother, so when they are in the country they aren't local. I'm a single parent and my house isn't big enough to have them to stay annoyingly.

I'm not sure of this post, but I just miss having my parents round the corner. I always have even pre children. My mum doesn't seem to understand and just says that 'I'd get bored if I saw her all the time.' And 'I didn't have my mum living local when I was an adult either.' She seems to think it's great that I get holidays (which it is) but it also puts a lot of pressure spending condensed periods of time together. I know they are really happy and I genuinely love that, but selfishly I would love to have them near to pop in and have a cup of tea and have them round for lunch at the weekends. I think maybe, as they are getting older I'm getting more sentimental.

OP posts:

Original poster

toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 20:13

@nobodysdaughternow awww lovely post thank you 😊 xxxx

OP posts:

Original poster

toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 20:14

@7eleven thanks that's a lovely thing to say! I'm not perfect at all but yes I miss my parents xxx

OP posts:

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:18

Is there any reading why you couldn't have moved nearer to your brother or moved abroad to be nearer to them?

Dont make them feel guilty video call them more often do you feel Included

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:21

Emptychairdoasolo · 05/07/2023 13:21

I actually do think it’s selfish to have children and then move away so they lose some of the strongest, most loving bonds they’ll ever know.

Why can't they be selfish. They have brought their children up. Given them everything

Now it's their turn to enjoy their lives

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:25

IsAnybodyListening · 05/07/2023 13:42

I here you OP. Similar situation here. DM and SD moved to Spain at the start of the pandemic. I talk weekly on the phone with DM, and will be visiting for a couple of weeks next month. They love their life over there and I am glad about that, but I do feel a bit abandoned which is ridiculous as I'm 41! Our DCs are 18 and 23 now, when they were little we had the chance to move abroad but my DM made me feel guilty about it as my brother emigrated from the UK many years ago, and she doesn't have a close relationship at all with his DC's as a result. Now she has moved abroad I feel my immediate family just left me behind. Refuses to come back to the UK also, so if I didn't fly out I dont think I'd ever see her again.

I expect timing was the thing here. They probably had to go for the brexit deadline. Shame they made you feel guilty though more proof that everyone should just try to be happy and do what they feel is right. If you had really felt it was right at the time you would have gone so I suspect your projecting your regrets

PaperNests · 05/07/2023 20:31

I get what you mean OP. My mum moved to the other side of the world when I left home and now she complains we've never visited her and she's only met her grandchildren in person twice. She gets offended they don't chat to her on video calls but to be honest she's a stranger to them. It makes me sad sometimes as I would love to just meet her for a coffee and a chat without the frantic intensity of her visits when everything has to be packed into every day. Other times I remember we get on much better on video calls than in person and she's much happier on the other side of the world than here complaining about our weather.

Inkpotlover · 05/07/2023 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No it's not, it's a perfectly reasonable response. Stop being a dick.

Youdoyoubabe · 05/07/2023 20:34

Have you thought about moving to Spain too? If you are single then only yourself and your kids to consider…..

Likewhatever · 05/07/2023 20:48

I understand, OP. My parents retired abroad. Initially they came home for two long breaks a year but after a while it was just Christmas, and we were delighted to have them. Our summer holidays were spent with them, regardless of whether we would have preferred to go somewhere else, because it was the only way our DC were going to have a relationship with them.

They came back to the UK when they were elderly and vulnerable and needed looking after. I’m glad we had those final years and I don’t begrudge them their retirement in the sun but I feel a bit sad about the active years we missed out on.

Original poster

toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 21:15

@Youdoyoubabe I would love to, my child's father would not allow it sadly! My child is only three x

OP posts:

IsThePopeCatholic · 05/07/2023 21:40

They’ll probably be back when they need you to look after them!

7eleven · 06/07/2023 00:22

3BSHKATS · 05/07/2023 19:46

Did it ? Maybe that reflects poorly on you as well?

Show quote history

Well it’s not my posts that are being deleted, is it.

Barfvader · 06/07/2023 05:54

My mum spent so much of my childhood moaning that she wanted to move abroad but my dad wouldn't go. I moved abroad a decade ago and it's so obvious that she is so resentful. She has done everything bar actually telling me she is angry that I left. I live a fantastic, idyllic life and my children have a lifestyle that I could only have dreamt of at their age. But the bitterness she feels towards how I live my life has been very wounding and has damaged our relationship. I wish my mum had followed her dreams so that she didn't use guilt trips to punish me for abandoning her.

Backstreets · 06/07/2023 06:00

It’s hardly suspect to want to live close to family you like… I have cousins who could go to the moon and I wouldn’t care but when my parents leave for sunnier climes it’ll leave an emotional gap.

Hellokittymania · 06/07/2023 06:10

Not quite the same situation as you, but I live in Greece, my mother lives in Florida, my father lives between the Cayman Islands and Canada. I am visually impaired, and it always surprises me the amount of people who just ask why am I not living with my elderly mom… I am now a homeowner, and we do what we do to make things work, but I realize my parents are older and they’re not always going to be around. It can be tough, when they are so far away, my mother now has health issues so can’t just jump on a plane to come and see me, and I’m losing my vision and don’t always want to jump on a plane and go to Florida. I used to travel quite often, but nowadays, it really is a hassle to try and get from where I am here to where they are and then navigate Florida.

we do speak on messenger video calls and so on, quite often, and again I video call her when I’m at the sea front so she can see the sunset in Greece, and I can hear the noises… From Florida.

I was really hoping she could visit me here, but with the amount of health issues she now has, I don’t think that’s going to be possible very often.

Seabrease27 · 06/07/2023 06:11

I think the fact you are a sing parent make it a bit worse and you feel lonely. It may be different if you have a partner.

2Jays · 06/07/2023 06:16

I understand what you mean. It's just nice to be able to see them, to spend time with them, to share your life with them. I like my parents and wanted to be near them especially after my second child was born. Yes, I did need help but I needed my mum's kindness and wisdom too. I wasn't returning to work but I still needed support with my children. Family and community are so important as a parent and trying to live without it is awful.

My parents travelled a lot in their 50/60's and more locally in their 70's but now late 70's and early 80's that has changed dramatically.

As it turns out, just a few years down the line, I am now starting to have to care for them. Medical appointments, hospital stays, organising end of life finances, disability equipment etc. Makes me pretty glad I live nearby and don't have to fly anywhere to sort that stuff out.

Maybe your parents are younger and won't need that stuff for a while but its amazing how dependent they can become, so quickly.

I can understand if people have horrible relationships with their parents but it makes me quite sad that we no longer share our lives with our families in quite the same way. I think it takes a huge toll on us as Indians as a society.

Hope your parents come back sometime soon Op. Xx

2Jays · 06/07/2023 06:18

Individuals not Indians 😂

JunipeJuniper · 06/07/2023 06:23

What a weird thread. I have a lovely relationship with my in laws because they live in my town. See them to pop into town or like the OP days have a cup of tea. It's lovely not to have to go and stay at their house simply for the purpose of a visit. My children are almost as close to them as they are to us. My own parents live down south. We get on wonderfully but it's not the same relationship because they're far away.

As for 6 weeks of abroad childcare being helpful, I can't think of a single friend who'd take a parent up on that offer. Not a chance would my children go to stay with someone they saw a few times a year for a couple of nights, let alone weeks. And that poster sounds so negative towards children (fair enough) I can't imagine spending an intense 6 weeks in their company would be a good thing for either party.

Suboptimumumma · 06/07/2023 06:34

Overthebow · 05/07/2023 15:37

I get what you mean OP. My parents also live abroad and I really wish they were closer to be able to see them at weekends and maybe for them to help occasionally with my DC. I’d love DC to have a good relationship with them. They come back to the UK a few times a year but it means we have to see them for a concentrated time. Even if they do a quick pop back it’s a long weekend. We can never see them for just a day or to have lunch. I am very envious of my friends who have their parents close and can just pop round to see them often.

I also feel that I’m just not as high priority to them. I’m glad they are enjoying their life as they wish to, I’m glad they are happy, I just wish that being close to me and their grandchildren would make them happy and they would want us in their life more. But I can’t change things and don’t let them know my feelings

Sorry you feel sad about this Overthebow.

If I may say, I feel differently in that I think our parents are allowed to have different priorities to their adult dc and gc. They’ve raised a family for twenty years and it’s their time now. I don’t mean this in a horrible way but why should other people be their priority for their entire life? Are they not allowed to put themselves first for this period of time?

Suboptimumumma · 06/07/2023 06:56

JunipeJuniper · 06/07/2023 06:23

Thousands of Spanish and French parents send their dc off to their grandparents for school holidays and they are very close as a result. They are generally longer school holidays than in uk though.

Onelifeonly · 06/07/2023 07:04

My parents never moved abroad but they lived 2 hours journey from me so childcare was a rarity. I used to envy their post retired lives of many holidays, making lots of new friends etc, and think it would be nice if they lived locally and my kids could pop over for tea at theirs or vice versa.

But in reality I am not sure it would have been so wonderful. My mil, sil and brother all did / do live near us and only mil babysat, and then only before her health declined. My brother would help out in an emergency and have days out with us, but he's childless so no real interest in childcare, ditto sil.

Now mine are grown up (but hopefully not about to produce babies), I really can't imagine wanting to spend too much time helping out with their kids - of course, I would on an occasional basis and maybe my feelings will change when faced with real life grandkids, but for now I'm looking forward to more freedom and fun for myself after decades of parenting. So I think parents of grownup children should definitely suit themselves!

megletthesecond · 06/07/2023 07:08

I agree. Mine are 2 hours away and I'm a lone parent. It's been miserable tbh.

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