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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my parents hadn't moved abroad

98 replies

toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 11:23

My parents moved to Spain around 15 years ago. I love going away to see them on holidays, it's amazing and I am so happy they are living their best life out there. They do have a cottage in the U.K. but weirdly they purchased a place nearly two hours from me and my brother, so when they are in the country they aren't local. I'm a single parent and my house isn't big enough to have them to stay annoyingly.

I'm not sure of this post, but I just miss having my parents round the corner. I always have even pre children. My mum doesn't seem to understand and just says that 'I'd get bored if I saw her all the time.' And 'I didn't have my mum living local when I was an adult either.' She seems to think it's great that I get holidays (which it is) but it also puts a lot of pressure spending condensed periods of time together. I know they are really happy and I genuinely love that, but selfishly I would love to have them near to pop in and have a cup of tea and have them round for lunch at the weekends. I think maybe, as they are getting older I'm getting more sentimental.

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 05/07/2023 12:46

It's not unreasonable to feel that way. Would be unreasonable to be telling them repeatedly. How often do you say it?

YouAreNotBatman · 05/07/2023 12:48

Do you just want them as free babysitters?

Original poster
toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 12:49

Thank you for all the lovely, understand replies! Just genuinely miss my mum and dad!

But seriously WTF is wrong with Mumsnet? No, I don't want a free babysitter! 😂 Even if my parents lived in the U.K. they would not do this regularly!

OP posts:
Original poster
toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 12:50

@WhatWhereWho text my mum everyday and tell her to come home (jokes)! I rarely say anything...

OP posts:
Original poster
toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 12:51

@is30tooyoungformidlifecrisis I relate to what you've written so much - thank you for understanding xxx

OP posts:
JMSA · 05/07/2023 12:51

I totally get it, OP. You're not a robot, and your feelings are perfectly natural!

Original poster
toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 12:51

@JMSA sending a big hug - thank you xxx

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/07/2023 12:52

To the poster that thinks they will have their child for 6 weeks in the summer...I'm not sure if this is something you want to do or feel like you should do, but it might not happen either way unless you put in a lot of visit to build the relationship outside of these times. Our children don't have the relationship with relatives that live in a holiday destination, due to lack of every day contact and would definitely not want to do this, without us there (they currently see these relatives 2 or 3 times a year). When they're older they might be ok with it but it is looking likely that they will be above the age where childcare is needed (and no this was not the plan, and we were not expecting or relying on this, but we know it is unlikely to be a possibility).

YANBU to be sad OP. I'd love to move away from where we live currently but I'd miss my parents too much (not for childcare reasons, they are an hour away so don't do any regular childcare) but because they're my parents and I like seeing them. And I know they would feel the same. So I'd be hurt as well if they moved further away.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 05/07/2023 12:54

@DrinkFeckArseBrick same here, we have two sets of grandparents that live abroad and none of them do my children want to go and stay with, although they do love them and feel it's a good relationship. Not close enough when little to leave and not emotionally close enough now older. They do have some contact but not the same as the grandparent who is in their lives most weeks.

3BSHKATS · 05/07/2023 12:56

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I’ve kind of built-up this relationship with the mother of these potential grandchildren so I’m pretty sure it will be absolutely fine for them to spend the six week holiday with me once they’re over the age of school attendance and therefore requiring the six weeks holiday. And of course it’s if they want to if they don’t, they dont.

Personally, I do not want babies staying with me, far much responsibility and far too much work. And I say that is somebody who is nowhere near retirement age, but I think a lot of people on here and probably including myself back in the day. Don’t realise how exhausting it is being old.

Also hate to say it but babies that aren’t your babies are really boring.

Original poster
toastbutterandmarmite · 05/07/2023 13:00

@3BSHKATS you are living the dream! Love your honesty x

OP posts:
ButImNotOldEnough · 05/07/2023 13:01

Completely understand OP, my parents moved abroad about the same length of time ago. See them every few years, miss them like crazy and wish I could just pop round for a cuppa and chat with my mum! Wouldn’t say it of course, wouldn’t want to make them feel guilty because I know how much they dislike the UK and feel life is better in their chosen country but it still bloody sucks.

Caradonna · 05/07/2023 13:05

My DCs and DGCs are a long way from me - (not different country) and I’d love to live nearer so I could see more of them.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 05/07/2023 13:08

Why are posters so quick to jump on OP for expressing her feeling?!
She's not made demands or guilt tripped them and has made a point of highlighting the 'up' side of where her parents live.
But I completely understand why you would feel the way you do OP. Not everyone feels like that about geographical proximity to family but I found it really makes a difference.
I lived in lots of places away from from family and had a full and happy life. But ultimately ended up close to my parents and siblings. I was so glad I did. I wasn't expecting it to make such a difference but it did.
Family never provided childcare but we're there in an emergency and vice versa. It made me feel rooted I suppose.
My daughter's father moved to France and it has impacted their relationship significantly. She accepts his reasons for doing so but still feels sad about it.

readbooksdrinktea · 05/07/2023 13:08

3BSHKATS · 05/07/2023 12:17

Marvellous. This was exactly my plan to move abroad with my children are older, and I’ll have the grandchildren for six weeks at a time in the holidays to save childcare for my kids. I was rather hoping that might be doing my bit. Apparently not

You should definitely do that if that's what you want. Besides, six weeks is a long time! No one should scoff at that level of help with children.

PonyPals · 05/07/2023 13:16

I get you! I'm am so fortunate that my parents live around the corner and I have a cuppa with them all the time. Love them to bits!

Newusernamebecause · 05/07/2023 13:19

I don't get why people are focusing on childcare. Some people actually like their parents and actually want them in their life and as a part of their family day to day. 😂

One of my favourite things is having us all together.

Emptychairdoasolo · 05/07/2023 13:21

I actually do think it’s selfish to have children and then move away so they lose some of the strongest, most loving bonds they’ll ever know.

LivingTheDreamNow · 05/07/2023 13:22

The other side of the coin, is when your children live in another country.
My son has lived abroad for 15 years and now has 2 children there.
I’m glad that he loves where he lives & is happy there but to be honest I’d have preferred for him to still live in England.
But as other people have said he might not have been able to afford to live anywhere near me with the crazy house prices.
I moved to a cheaper area when I left home, so my parents weren’t close enough by for me to just pop in for a cup-of tea.
Sadly that’s a dream that rarely is possible for most people these days.
I travel to see him & my grandchildren 2 or 3 times a year now, but I’m feeling that as I get older the travelling may well get less & a lot more stressful than it is now.
Luckily he flys over to see us once or twice a year, we FaceTime once a week but it’s not the same as actually meeting up.

MrsMarzetti · 05/07/2023 13:25

I know how hard it is because my daughter went to live overseas taking my DGD with her. It is hard but everyone has to lead their own life.

Whataretalkingabout · 05/07/2023 13:28

I moved far away from home when a young adult and missed my DP terribly as a young M. I really do understand your feelings, OP. It is tough. But you do get used to it with time, I promise.
Now that my own DC have grown up and have all moved far away I miss them terribly too! So while we have endless options for traveling, it isn't at all the same. Such is life these days! Try to enjoy what you have while you have it. Best of luck.

3BSHKATS · 05/07/2023 13:29

Emptychairdoasolo · 05/07/2023 13:21

I actually do think it’s selfish to have children and then move away so they lose some of the strongest, most loving bonds they’ll ever know.

What do you think of people who emigrate then and take the grandchildren with them ?
When I moved abroad with my children, everybody validated that it was my life, and that I should live it how it suited me, and we can’t live for other people.

whiteroseredrose · 05/07/2023 13:35

YANBU.

This is all very well saying that they have their life to live but we have had exactly this situation with PIL. UK Home 3 hours away and main residence in Spain.

A couple of falls later and it has taken over DH and my life with them back in the UK and needing lots of care.

We were up and down the motorway for months. Managing finances has taken over DH'S life just for the UK place. Spain is a different matter again. We have no time for anything else.

It was so different with my grandmother. We were local, could support her and still have our own lives.

graygoose · 05/07/2023 13:39

I grew up on the other side of the world from my grandparents as my own parents emigrated. They spent a fortune in airfares so we could see them every summer and Christmas and when I went to the U.K. for uni I used to stay with my grandparents regularly and we were very close. It was difficult and expensive for my parents but I’m so glad I had that relationship with my grandparents, especially now they’re gone.

I actually moved back to my “home town” (the place where my parents emigrated to) with DH so we could be closer to them. I lived on the other side of the world from them for 15 years and I used to envy all my mates who could just pop home for the weekend and always had their parents on standby. And this was when I was in my 20s, no kids!

People are free to move anywhere they wish for all sorts of reasons, and you can make it work. It’s a struggle and can be a real heartache not to have that support system, but speaking as a kid whose parents moved as far away as it’s possible to go, I’m glad they made that decision. And your kids can still be close to grandparents who are far away, it just takes effort be it phone calls, letters, face time and flights (budget and time permitting).

IsAnybodyListening · 05/07/2023 13:42

I here you OP. Similar situation here. DM and SD moved to Spain at the start of the pandemic. I talk weekly on the phone with DM, and will be visiting for a couple of weeks next month. They love their life over there and I am glad about that, but I do feel a bit abandoned which is ridiculous as I'm 41! Our DCs are 18 and 23 now, when they were little we had the chance to move abroad but my DM made me feel guilty about it as my brother emigrated from the UK many years ago, and she doesn't have a close relationship at all with his DC's as a result. Now she has moved abroad I feel my immediate family just left me behind. Refuses to come back to the UK also, so if I didn't fly out I dont think I'd ever see her again.