To reduce time I spend with ex MIL

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 2023-07-03T19:51:17+00:00

Context - My baby's father left me while I was pregnant, just before he was born. I really empathized with paternal grandma as this is her first grandchild. She called me a lot before he was born asking if I was ok etc (I wasn't, I was heartbroken). She wanted to come to visit me in the hospital (told her no in advance and blamed their COVID rules limiting visitors, I just had a helper there not a visitor). She wants me to bring baby to her house but I've always said you can visit him here, where I live (due to me not driving post c section etc) . She's pushed for weekly visits since he was born which has felt too much for me, so I have always said 'we can do next week on x days' when she asks to meet, she comes for coffee or we go for a coffee out after a mum and baby class, so she sees us Roughly fortnightly. She asks how baby is and wants to cuddle him doenst ask me about how I am and generally the chat is her bleating on about her friends that I don't know, I listen politely. Anyway, I have not wanted to do grandparent alienation, and baby is still too young to be left with any one, so I've just been putting Up with regular small talk with her while they cuddle. It's not very fun for me. (She doesn't visit at same time as baby's dad as he comes in evening and does bath etc, I don't want her upstairs in my bedroom etc). That's just to set the scene. So, recently I organized a christening for my baby and invited my family and friends (baby's father was offered chance to be involved but turned down as he isn't Christian. Only I have parental responsibility as he is not on the birth certificate ). He asked me last minute to invite her as she was apparently very keen to go, so I kindly did, she came, took videos and then left soon after the service. Baby was crying from the start as he'd not napped and had got a bit over tired. Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony. If she talks like that in front of me I wonder how she would if I wasn't there? I feel this is such a rude passive aggressive dig and she should have been thanking me for inviting her (she didn't and no present) and the implication was that I'd endangered him by having water poured on his head and he'd hated it. I am so sick of being spoken to like that and honestly don't want to continue being treated like that. I have set this president of fortnightly coffee dates with her and I don't want to do it any more. AIBU to see her less and perhaps say that she needs to see him when baby's dad does? (He won't like that either) how can I work this to her/ them? I have been giving a lot to them and don't really know how to be assertive of my own needs

Justmuddlingalong · 03/07/2023 20:57

I agree. You've tried your best to accommodate a relationship between her and DC. After her comments, I'd stop the visits/meet ups and get your ex to facilitate her seeing DC on his time. I'd be done with her.

Mummy08m · 03/07/2023 20:57

You've made a huge effort to include her in your baby's life and she repays you by questioning your parenting and being rude to you. Fortnightly visits are insanely frequent for someone you don't even enjoy spending time with: we don't see my own MIL even once a month and she is wonderful and makes us all happy.

Fob her off with excuses every time she wants to visit. Repeatedly. Stop answering calls, text back after a day or two "sorry I missed your call the other day it's been so busy".

Addicted2LoveIsland · 03/07/2023 20:58

Sorry OP. Has she always been very opinionated? It seems from your post you actually sound like the difficult one?

I wouldn't have liked what she said about the Christening either, but other than that what has she actually done wrong?

Justmuddlingalong · 03/07/2023 21:02

This is what she said about the christening. I think that's more than enough to have an issue with. It's not something that could be forgiven easily.
Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony.

Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:04

Addicted2LoveIsland · 03/07/2023 20:58

Sorry OP. Has she always been very opinionated? It seems from your post you actually sound like the difficult one?

I wouldn't have liked what she said about the Christening either, but other than that what has she actually done wrong?

@addicted2loveisland . , yeah she is very opinionated. I guess I don't enjoy her company, she's not my kind of person, but I've been grinning it and bearing it as I would feel bad for her if she didn't get to see baby. But not she's actually crossed a line into being quite offensive to me it sort of feels like the last straw.

I'm interested to know which bit/what it is that makes me come across as difficult - very emotional situation so it's hard for me to not less this cloud my judgment, hence me seeking opinions on here!

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Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:07

Justmuddlingalong · 03/07/2023 21:02

This is what she said about the christening. I think that's more than enough to have an issue with. It's not something that could be forgiven easily.
Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony.

Yes, it's not just the view on christenings (athiests don't have to like them, although weird to ask to come along if they don't) but more the passive aggressive way she said it to my baby. Even if she really was worried about water on his face, it's not like he's ever going to have a christening again so I'd think she should just bitch about it to her own friends if she feels the need and not mention it again to me!

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Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:08

Mummy08m · 03/07/2023 20:57

You've made a huge effort to include her in your baby's life and she repays you by questioning your parenting and being rude to you. Fortnightly visits are insanely frequent for someone you don't even enjoy spending time with: we don't see my own MIL even once a month and she is wonderful and makes us all happy.

Fob her off with excuses every time she wants to visit. Repeatedly. Stop answering calls, text back after a day or two "sorry I missed your call the other day it's been so busy".

Yes I agree!!! I have made such an effort and none of them appreciate it, she makes me feel like it's not enough and I should be letting her son drive him over to her house (he doesn't even have a baby car seat so that won't happen any time soon)

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Justmuddlingalong · 03/07/2023 21:11

I'm don't have any religion myself, but accept everyone's right to practice theirs without rude comments, suspicion or ridicule.

Lavender14 · 03/07/2023 21:12

How would she react if you responded to her comments? Have you ever called her out before? Perhaps you could say something like- well it was very important to me that he was christened and I find that a bit offensive. How do you think she would react?

A lot of people assume christenings are done for appearance or tradition rather than because the parents actively have a faith and want it done. I think fortnightly is a lot to be meeting, I would try calling her out a bit more and see if she backs off. If she doesn't and the remarks continue then I would reduce the contact to whatever you see as fit. GPS can be important but only if you think they'd be a good role model and not be undermining your parenting in front of your child.

Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:18

Lavender14 · 03/07/2023 21:12

How would she react if you responded to her comments? Have you ever called her out before? Perhaps you could say something like- well it was very important to me that he was christened and I find that a bit offensive. How do you think she would react?

A lot of people assume christenings are done for appearance or tradition rather than because the parents actively have a faith and want it done. I think fortnightly is a lot to be meeting, I would try calling her out a bit more and see if she backs off. If she doesn't and the remarks continue then I would reduce the contact to whatever you see as fit. GPS can be important but only if you think they'd be a good role model and not be undermining your parenting in front of your child.

Thank you. I'm wondering how to be brave and say that! (Standing up for myself is quite new for me I'm working on this at the moment with baby's dad a lot too but that's a separate issue!)

Your last point about undermining me is what has really annoyed me, the idea of her saying things to him when I'm not there that might confuse or upset him

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321Backintheroom · 03/07/2023 21:20

Please do as one of the previous posters suggests and allow her father to facilitate the grandmothers contact during his time .
I have experience of an estranged grandparent taking me and my child’s father to court for contact .
indirect access was granted only because she had never met my child or been able to build a relationship (she never maintained the indirect contact and 13 years later she has still never contacted or met my child )
I appreciate this is an extreme but …..

Curseofthenation · 03/07/2023 21:21

How old is the baby now? I'm just wondering if you could eventually phase these meet ups into your ex and ex MIL meeting at a cafe on a weekend. Perhaps you could pop into town for an hour?

Or, if you know it wouldn't work then you could still suggest it to ex and then you've been flexible/reasonable and get to cut out the meet ups without the same level of backlash. You owe ex MIL nothing and you've been very considerate to include her to date.

Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:25

Curseofthenation · 03/07/2023 21:21

How old is the baby now? I'm just wondering if you could eventually phase these meet ups into your ex and ex MIL meeting at a cafe on a weekend. Perhaps you could pop into town for an hour?

Or, if you know it wouldn't work then you could still suggest it to ex and then you've been flexible/reasonable and get to cut out the meet ups without the same level of backlash. You owe ex MIL nothing and you've been very considerate to include her to date.

Yup that could work. I've left baby with him for up to an hour before but I've always been closeby (eg he's taken him to park next to my house or I've been in the shops closeby) as sometimes he just starts crying for me and i need to get back quickly. Not ready yet to have baby's father have his 'own' time (even though it would be a nice break for me) as baby is only 6m old and I just don't want to risk him being scared and feeling lost and his dad not being able to comfort him
Because, although he wants to get to know him, he just doesn't know him well enough to comfort him how I would or know if it's a sleepy or hungry or scared or uncomfortable or bored cry

OP posts:

Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:27

321Backintheroom · 03/07/2023 21:20

Please do as one of the previous posters suggests and allow her father to facilitate the grandmothers contact during his time .
I have experience of an estranged grandparent taking me and my child’s father to court for contact .
indirect access was granted only because she had never met my child or been able to build a relationship (she never maintained the indirect contact and 13 years later she has still never contacted or met my child )
I appreciate this is an extreme but …..

Oh wow so your child's father also didn't want her to have contact? I didn't know that grandparents could do this!
Indirect contact- does that mean phone calls etc rather than visits?
Does this mean that my enabling frequent visits with them could mean that they accrue more rights?!?!? Didn't even think of that!

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Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:28

Justmuddlingalong · 03/07/2023 21:11

I'm don't have any religion myself, but accept everyone's right to practice theirs without rude comments, suspicion or ridicule.

Yes me too! Especially as she'd invited herself along!

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Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:28

As baby is 6 months I’m sorry OP but I think YABU

The fact you don’t even let the father spend more than an hour or so alone with him due to your anxiety is shocking.

Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:33

@Ceramiccathy
it's because the father has only just been a visitor he's never lived with baby and he just doesn't know what to do when he cries- he calls me and says baby needs his mum when this happens. He's also not very safety conscious - he literally needs to be reminded to strap him in the buggy or not leave him unattended on changing mat now he's rolling. So many some of that is anxiety but more anxious about health and safety risks!

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Merrilydancing · 03/07/2023 21:34

I think you need to find your voice and start sticking up for yourself and your baby, you can start answering her back by saying, well he wasn’t there as he chose not to be there and let her squirm.

You are going out of your way to facilitate contact but if it no longer suits then let her son take over.

321Backintheroom · 03/07/2023 21:35

Yes that’s right , we hadn’t seen MIL for a number of years and she found out we were expecting and took us to court . It took a year or so , it was horrific if I’m honest because we were so worried we would have to had our baby over for contact and absolutely flabbergasted her case was even being considered .
As I said she was given indirect contact ( she was allowed to write letters ) with it to be reviewed as the child grew but luckily she never bothered . However if she had developed a relationship with our child she would have had more rights/stronger case .
i really do appreciate this is an extreme but I guess the point is , it’s for the child’s father to facilitate the contact (if he wishes to ) not for you .

Original poster

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:36

321Backintheroom · 03/07/2023 21:35

Yes that’s right , we hadn’t seen MIL for a number of years and she found out we were expecting and took us to court . It took a year or so , it was horrific if I’m honest because we were so worried we would have to had our baby over for contact and absolutely flabbergasted her case was even being considered .
As I said she was given indirect contact ( she was allowed to write letters ) with it to be reviewed as the child grew but luckily she never bothered . However if she had developed a relationship with our child she would have had more rights/stronger case .
i really do appreciate this is an extreme but I guess the point is , it’s for the child’s father to facilitate the contact (if he wishes to ) not for you .

Thank you this is honestly such helpful information I think I have been v naive

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BungleandGeorge · 03/07/2023 21:36

“Yes I agree!!! I have made such an effort and none of them appreciate it, she makes me feel like it's not enough and I should be letting her son drive him over to her house (he doesn't even have a baby car seat so that won't happen any time soon)”

I agree you’ve made an effort with his mum and that’s commendable. However why can’t he take the baby to
his mums? If he has a car buying a car seat is pretty easy! Does he have regular contact? I don’t think it’s unreasonable at this stage to take baby for a couple of hours

Lavender14 · 03/07/2023 21:37

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:28

As baby is 6 months I’m sorry OP but I think YABU

The fact you don’t even let the father spend more than an hour or so alone with him due to your anxiety is shocking.

Different people are happy to leave their baby at different stages and babies differ as well. Some are easier going than other babies when being looked after by other people. I didn't leave my baby until he was 7mths and even then it was with grandparents who he'd seen regularly up until then. Not someone who is unreliable or undermining the ops parenting. It's perfectly normal not to want to leave your baby, just as its perfectly normal to want to leave them and get a break as well. It's not one size fits all.

321Backintheroom · 03/07/2023 21:38

@Ceramiccathy nonsense and completely unhelpful . Even a court wouldn’t suggest a 6 month old to be handed over to an absent parent that hasn’t built a relationship with the child .

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:40

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:33

@Ceramiccathy
it's because the father has only just been a visitor he's never lived with baby and he just doesn't know what to do when he cries- he calls me and says baby needs his mum when this happens. He's also not very safety conscious - he literally needs to be reminded to strap him in the buggy or not leave him unattended on changing mat now he's rolling. So many some of that is anxiety but more anxious about health and safety risks!

And your excuse for not letting MiL just have him for a bit so you don’t have to speak to her is?

Starlightstarbright2 · 03/07/2023 21:41

I would go low contact at this point.

i would just be very busy next few weeks ,