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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reduce time I spend with ex MIL

84 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 20:51

Context - My baby's father left me while I was pregnant, just before he was born.

I really empathized with paternal grandma as this is her first grandchild. She called me a lot before he was born asking if I was ok etc (I wasn't, I was heartbroken). She wanted to come to visit me in the hospital (told her no in advance and blamed their COVID rules limiting visitors, I just had a helper there not a visitor). She wants me to bring baby to her house but I've always said you can visit him here, where I live (due to me not driving post c section etc) . She's pushed for weekly visits since he was born which has felt too much for me, so I have always said 'we can do next week on x days' when she asks to meet, she comes for coffee or we go for a coffee out after a mum and baby class, so she sees us Roughly fortnightly. She asks how baby is and wants to cuddle him doenst ask me about how I am and generally the chat is her bleating on about her friends that I don't know, I listen politely. Anyway, I have not wanted to do grandparent alienation, and baby is still too young to be left with any one, so I've just been putting Up with regular small talk with her while they cuddle. It's not very fun for me. (She doesn't visit at same time as baby's dad as he comes in evening and does bath etc, I don't want her upstairs in my bedroom etc).
That's just to set the scene.

So, recently I organized a christening for my baby and invited my family and friends (baby's father was offered chance to be involved but turned down as he isn't Christian. Only I have parental responsibility as he is not on the birth certificate ). He asked me last minute to invite her as she was apparently very keen to go, so I kindly did, she came, took videos and then left soon after the service. Baby was crying from the start as he'd not napped and had got a bit over tired.

Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony. If she talks like that in front of me I wonder how she would if I wasn't there? I feel this is such a rude passive aggressive dig and she should have been thanking me for inviting her (she didn't and no present) and the implication was that I'd endangered him by having water poured on his head and he'd hated it.

I am so sick of being spoken to like that and honestly don't want to continue being treated like that. I have set this president of fortnightly coffee dates with her and I don't want to do it any more. AIBU to see her less and perhaps say that she needs to see him when baby's dad does? (He won't like that either) how can I work this to her/ them? I have been giving a lot to them and don't really know how to be assertive of my own needs

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 03/07/2023 22:09

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 22:07

But you’re wanting to drop it down due to not liking her company

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for finding her hard work, what is unreasonable is you thinking that’s enough reason to reduce contact

You don’t have to sit and chat to her every other week, she can just take little one for a bit, win win.

At 6 months your baby doesn’t even remember you if you’re not there, that happens around 9 months as separation anxiety starts to set in. There is nothing but your anxiety holding you back from letting her have him for an hour or so.

Show quote history

At 6m a baby doesn’t know their mother??? You couldn’t be more wrong if you said the sun was going to crash into the earth tomorrow.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:10

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2023 22:07

‘Next week doesn’t work for me. To be honest I was really offended by your comments on the christening. Babies have been christened for a couple of thousand years, and you made out like it was bad parenting of me the doing this. I’m an amazing mum and the only committed parent my child has. You can visit next month when dad comes around but I need a few weeks break first ; I’m a single mum and don’t need to put up with criticism much less invite it into my house.’

Screenshotted

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:12

AliceOlive · 03/07/2023 22:08

I would consider being very direct with her. “Ann, I’m facilitating contact for you with your grandson. I think you must recognize that many women would not bother to do this. It is a kindness.

I was taken aback by your comments about the Christening. Speaking to a 6 month old this way was obviously intended to let me know you did not like him being Christened. We can choose to interact with respect for one another and for my parenting choices. I’d like to continue to help you see him but it will require that we interact in a healthy, positive way with one another. “

Screenshotting this too

OP posts:
Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:12

Who is this crazy poster taking you on? Suggesting you are anxious etc. Please ignore! Seriously unhelpful

FictionalCharacter · 03/07/2023 22:15

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:28

As baby is 6 months I’m sorry OP but I think YABU

The fact you don’t even let the father spend more than an hour or so alone with him due to your anxiety is shocking.

The "father" who fucked off before the baby was even born? That father?

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:15

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:12

Who is this crazy poster taking you on? Suggesting you are anxious etc. Please ignore! Seriously unhelpful

😂 thanks!! I am genuinely open too all views as I know I'm very emotional about this whole situation and don't want that to cloud my judgment, but if anything I think maybe it's making me too much of a pushover too that family. I'm just having a little 'thought' about reducing the time I spend with her I haven't even done it yet!

OP posts:
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 22:17

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BeeCucumber · 03/07/2023 22:17

Please distance yourself from her to the point of no contact. Don’t invite her into your lives anymore. She is trouble.

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 22:18

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:12

Who is this crazy poster taking you on? Suggesting you are anxious etc. Please ignore! Seriously unhelpful

She is anxious. Maybe read her posts Confused

She doesn’t even let baby’s father have him for more than an hour alone just in case he cries and dad can’t settle him. Yawn

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 22:19

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Why do you feel the need to be so aggressive and rude? Especially to the OP who is cleary struggling. Are you like this in real life? Or just brave behind your phone?

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 22:20

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And babies can begin to establish object permanence at around 4 months, so you’re not even accurate in what you’re saying.

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 22:21

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Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 22:22

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Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 22:24

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Hopefully spending your time insulting strangers online has made you feel better about yourself. You seem like a wonderful, fulfilled person.

Dollysmixture · 03/07/2023 22:27

Standing up for myself is quite new for me I'm working on this at the moment with baby's dad a lot too
Develop this strategy further and add her behaviour to his list of what is acceptable to you. If anything doesn’t feel right, don’t allow it, and be firm.

caringcarer · 03/07/2023 22:29

In this situation I'd cut back visits with baby's Nanny to once a month. If she asks why you have cut visits back tell her she was very rude and you felt offended by her mean comments. If she upset me any more I'd cut them back again too. She could see your baby on your ex partner's time.

Caroparo52 · 03/07/2023 22:31

You are doing well op.
You have recognised that you need to speak up for yourself and not let other people dictate to you. Release that inner bitch.
Do it for your baby and for yourself.
"No" is empowering. Repeat.
No need to add a reason.
Silence is also powerful.
Your are in the driving seat. You can take control and make the decisions your gut feels is right.
Go girl

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:32

While it’s nice to have contact with an extended family it’s not essential. What is essential for your baby is that its mother feels happy and confident. You are your baby’s world for the time being.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:41

@Ceramiccathy there is so much evidence about babies feeling calmer physiologically when they can sense or smell or hear they're attachment figure. I literally soothe him. I also know what kind of cry or moan it is, so he has his needs met with me more than with others.

It's not just 'what if he's upset' there are also safety related issues plus she smokes and drinks a LOT every afternoon/evening (not in mornings when she's seen us though). Her father also always looks at his phone when driving and doesn't believe in sterilizing etc etc.

Anyway, baby's father and MIL aren't even offering to 'take him' independently so that's not really the issue. It's more what is a reasonable frequency of visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:41

Caroparo52 · 03/07/2023 22:31

You are doing well op.
You have recognised that you need to speak up for yourself and not let other people dictate to you. Release that inner bitch.
Do it for your baby and for yourself.
"No" is empowering. Repeat.
No need to add a reason.
Silence is also powerful.
Your are in the driving seat. You can take control and make the decisions your gut feels is right.
Go girl

Thank you!! Need to harness this attitude!

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 03/07/2023 22:44

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:07

Yes, it's not just the view on christenings (athiests don't have to like them, although weird to ask to come along if they don't) but more the passive aggressive way she said it to my baby. Even if she really was worried about water on his face, it's not like he's ever going to have a christening again so I'd think she should just bitch about it to her own friends if she feels the need and not mention it again to me!

Show quote history

I really feel this too. She was so passive aggressive. I don't even really agree with rhe concept of infant baptism, but I would not dream of insulting a family member that way. Itvis entirely up to others what they choose. If she had such an issue with it, why would she want to attend?

But you are right. The bigger issue is the PA way to communicate with you. She is not respecting you and is clearly signalling that she cannot be trusted around your child. I would not facilitate a relationship.

2bazookas · 03/07/2023 22:50

*Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony.

She has overstepped the mark. I'd text her and say " your comments about the christening were awful. I've decided to take a little break for a while"

and just let contact slide. 

  •        *
SmirnoffIceIsNice · 03/07/2023 22:59

Oh the irony of someone having the audacity to call others idiots and uneducated, when they themselves cannot get their point across in a polite fashion when challenged. If you have to be so rude and bolshy to try and get the upper hand, then you're just showing yourself to have very poor levels of communication.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 03/07/2023 23:05

It seems to me that not only has your ex left all the parenting of your joint child to you, he also expects you to regularly entertain his mother even though he doesn't like to himself 🙄

Seriously, the best bit about not having your kid's dad around is that you don't have to spend time with his relatives if you don't want to.

If his mum wants to see her grandchild, then ex can take the baby to her during his contact time. If that means he needs to step up his parenting skills, spend some more time with his own child to ensure he knows how to soothe the baby if/when they cry and buy a car seat then that's all to the good.

If ex can't be arsed to facilitate a relationship between his child and his mum, that is on his shoulders, it is not your responsibility. He bailed on you and the baby, he doesn't get you to do wifework for him having left the relationship.

You have been very kind to your (not)MIL so far, and she's thrown that kindness in your face. If she's prepared to criticise your parenting in front of you (despite her parenting resulting in a son that walks away from his own baby 🙄) then you're damn right she's going to be saying worse behind your back.

Keep her at a distance, she is not your friend and you have enough to worry about being a single parent.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 23:18

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 03/07/2023 23:05

It seems to me that not only has your ex left all the parenting of your joint child to you, he also expects you to regularly entertain his mother even though he doesn't like to himself 🙄

Seriously, the best bit about not having your kid's dad around is that you don't have to spend time with his relatives if you don't want to.

If his mum wants to see her grandchild, then ex can take the baby to her during his contact time. If that means he needs to step up his parenting skills, spend some more time with his own child to ensure he knows how to soothe the baby if/when they cry and buy a car seat then that's all to the good.

If ex can't be arsed to facilitate a relationship between his child and his mum, that is on his shoulders, it is not your responsibility. He bailed on you and the baby, he doesn't get you to do wifework for him having left the relationship.

You have been very kind to your (not)MIL so far, and she's thrown that kindness in your face. If she's prepared to criticise your parenting in front of you (despite her parenting resulting in a son that walks away from his own baby 🙄) then you're damn right she's going to be saying worse behind your back.

Keep her at a distance, she is not your friend and you have enough to worry about being a single parent.

This is exactly it 😫 you have summarized very well and reading that back has been very helpful!

OP posts: