To reduce time I spend with ex MIL

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Context - My baby's father left me while I was pregnant, just before he was born.

I really empathized with paternal grandma as this is her first grandchild. She called me a lot before he was born asking if I was ok etc (I wasn't, I was heartbroken). She wanted to come to visit me in the hospital (told her no in advance and blamed their COVID rules limiting visitors, I just had a helper there not a visitor). She wants me to bring baby to her house but I've always said you can visit him here, where I live (due to me not driving post c section etc) . She's pushed for weekly visits since he was born which has felt too much for me, so I have always said 'we can do next week on x days' when she asks to meet, she comes for coffee or we go for a coffee out after a mum and baby class, so she sees us Roughly fortnightly. She asks how baby is and wants to cuddle him doenst ask me about how I am and generally the chat is her bleating on about her friends that I don't know, I listen politely. Anyway, I have not wanted to do grandparent alienation, and baby is still too young to be left with any one, so I've just been putting Up with regular small talk with her while they cuddle. It's not very fun for me. (She doesn't visit at same time as baby's dad as he comes in evening and does bath etc, I don't want her upstairs in my bedroom etc).
That's just to set the scene.

So, recently I organized a christening for my baby and invited my family and friends (baby's father was offered chance to be involved but turned down as he isn't Christian. Only I have parental responsibility as he is not on the birth certificate ). He asked me last minute to invite her as she was apparently very keen to go, so I kindly did, she came, took videos and then left soon after the service. Baby was crying from the start as he'd not napped and had got a bit over tired.

Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony. If she talks like that in front of me I wonder how she would if I wasn't there? I feel this is such a rude passive aggressive dig and she should have been thanking me for inviting her (she didn't and no present) and the implication was that I'd endangered him by having water poured on his head and he'd hated it.

I am so sick of being spoken to like that and honestly don't want to continue being treated like that. I have set this president of fortnightly coffee dates with her and I don't want to do it any more. AIBU to see her less and perhaps say that she needs to see him when baby's dad does? (He won't like that either) how can I work this to her/ them? I have been giving a lot to them and don't really know how to be assertive of my own needs

@StopMindlesslyScrolling 'He bailed on you and the baby, he doesn't get you to do wifework for him having left the relationship.' This is exactly what's been happening

'm sorry OP, you are doing your absolute best with no support from your partner and his family, other than pressure to see your baby..

so.

Grandparents don't have any rights in family law - Things are evolving, but I don't think it's got there yet. So any contact you and them needs to be arranged via the baby's father. If he isn't bothered, then there isn't much his parents can do. Is he paying you any maintenance? I he isn't, then both his and his families rights reduce.

Essentially, you would be within your rights to insist that any contact between your child and his grandparents is done via his father - and his father would have to step up for such contact to be court ordered

This is secondary school level knowledge

No, it’s not. It’s bullshit.

Thank you very much it's good to know. Yes he is paying the minimum CMA amount, I haven't gone through them as he agreed to pay it (he did think we should just split the costs of buying things that baby needs, I had to remind him that I'm paying for a home by myself now only on stat maternity pay/savings! He didn't offer to pay half of my home too obviously so he then agreed to the 12%, sadly he's not a big earner so it's much less than stat mat pay)

What horrible comments to make.

I really don't understand people who are so full of bitterness they have nothing better to do that attack random strangers online.

Just bullying.

I feel very sorry for the OPs son, who is being held back by his mothers anxiety
Stop gaslighting and making up lies, unless you actually are the MIL (which wouldn't be a surprise) it's actually quite creepy and disturbing how much of a vendetta you have against the OP.

Wastrel men who abandon pregnant women don't need your sympathy.

There are, indeed, idiots everywhere-@Ceramiccathy is a great example of an unkind, wilfully unpleasant idiot

Op, please trust your instincts. Your baby gets nothing from spending time with this unpleasant woman.

And at 6m your baby most definitely does know, want and need you. My dd could clearly say Mummy "murmay" by about 5m - mostly when she wanted breastfeeding, which was all the time - and she most definitely called for me constantly when I wasn't there, and was clearly relieved when I reappeared. Perhaps that aggressive poster has a baby with unusual/delayed behaviour or (more likely) has formed the habit of ignoring its needs thinking that makes a better or more enlightened mother. It doesn't.

Be strong. I'm going to sound harsh but you were not strong when you had a child with a man who you must have suspected was useless (instead of leaving him for someone better). You were not strong when you consented repeatedly to spend time with his unhelpful and rude mother. But now you can be strong.

Can you spend more time with your own family members? And/or any mum-friends you've met through classes and at softplays? Be constantly busy and keep fobbing your MIL off. Wait till she confronts you, and then tell her clearly that you find her critical, undermining and ungrateful and you won't spend time with people who don't make you happy. She knows deep down that she has no right of access.

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words what a helpful community this is! I have booked in a chat with a lawyer this week so I can get clear on what I 'have' to do and what might be the consequences of how much I do/don't spend time with both MIL and father - I need to put better boundaries in place

I started doing this recently but see my update 'Ex dp burnt my baby' 😢