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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reduce time I spend with ex MIL

84 replies

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 20:51

Context - My baby's father left me while I was pregnant, just before he was born.

I really empathized with paternal grandma as this is her first grandchild. She called me a lot before he was born asking if I was ok etc (I wasn't, I was heartbroken). She wanted to come to visit me in the hospital (told her no in advance and blamed their COVID rules limiting visitors, I just had a helper there not a visitor). She wants me to bring baby to her house but I've always said you can visit him here, where I live (due to me not driving post c section etc) . She's pushed for weekly visits since he was born which has felt too much for me, so I have always said 'we can do next week on x days' when she asks to meet, she comes for coffee or we go for a coffee out after a mum and baby class, so she sees us Roughly fortnightly. She asks how baby is and wants to cuddle him doenst ask me about how I am and generally the chat is her bleating on about her friends that I don't know, I listen politely. Anyway, I have not wanted to do grandparent alienation, and baby is still too young to be left with any one, so I've just been putting Up with regular small talk with her while they cuddle. It's not very fun for me. (She doesn't visit at same time as baby's dad as he comes in evening and does bath etc, I don't want her upstairs in my bedroom etc).
That's just to set the scene.

So, recently I organized a christening for my baby and invited my family and friends (baby's father was offered chance to be involved but turned down as he isn't Christian. Only I have parental responsibility as he is not on the birth certificate ). He asked me last minute to invite her as she was apparently very keen to go, so I kindly did, she came, took videos and then left soon after the service. Baby was crying from the start as he'd not napped and had got a bit over tired.

Today, as soon as she saw us she said to baby 'oh, you didn't want to be christened did you' and said how sorry for him she felt when he was crying and thought he was going to drown. I was shocked but told her he was crying because he skipped his nap. We then went for coffee and she said that she's shown the video to her husband and baby's father and it was lucky they weren't there as they'd have stopped the whole ceremony. If she talks like that in front of me I wonder how she would if I wasn't there? I feel this is such a rude passive aggressive dig and she should have been thanking me for inviting her (she didn't and no present) and the implication was that I'd endangered him by having water poured on his head and he'd hated it.

I am so sick of being spoken to like that and honestly don't want to continue being treated like that. I have set this president of fortnightly coffee dates with her and I don't want to do it any more. AIBU to see her less and perhaps say that she needs to see him when baby's dad does? (He won't like that either) how can I work this to her/ them? I have been giving a lot to them and don't really know how to be assertive of my own needs

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 21:45

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:40

And your excuse for not letting MiL just have him for a bit so you don’t have to speak to her is?

Show quote history

She doesn't need an excuse. MiL is lucky to have any kind of relationship with the baby at all after her useless son left when OP was pregnant.

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:46

Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 21:45

She doesn't need an excuse. MiL is lucky to have any kind of relationship with the baby at all after her useless son left when OP was pregnant.

Show quote history

Of course there will be an excuse, precious parents like the OP always have them

Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 21:47

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:46

Of course there will be an excuse, precious parents like the OP always have them

Show quote history

As I said, she doesn't need one. Are you the MIL? Just wondering why it bothers you so much.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:47

BungleandGeorge · 03/07/2023 21:36

“Yes I agree!!! I have made such an effort and none of them appreciate it, she makes me feel like it's not enough and I should be letting her son drive him over to her house (he doesn't even have a baby car seat so that won't happen any time soon)”

I agree you’ve made an effort with his mum and that’s commendable. However why can’t he take the baby to
his mums? If he has a car buying a car seat is pretty easy! Does he have regular contact? I don’t think it’s unreasonable at this stage to take baby for a couple of hours

He just hasn't bought one, he's not the most organised person, he's a bit teenagery in the sense of how proactive he is. He also doesn't like hanging out with his own mother so I don't think he'd be in a rush to do that!

OP posts:
SPRD23 · 03/07/2023 21:49

It is completely reasonable to not leave your 6 month old baby with other people for long periods of time. My baby is 6 and a half months and she’s only been with her dad for about an hour, not left with anyone else. I have a great relationship with my parents and in-laws but I still haven’t left baby with them yet. She needs her mum still.

If you are someone that chooses to leave your baby with other people, that’s your choice and that’s okay. But the OP isn’t being unreasonable for wanting her baby to feel protected and safe and to stay nearby so she can comfort her. She’s not being overly anxious or unreasonable.

OP, I would not allow MIL to see baby alone but I probably would facilitate a monthly visit for now. You might not like her but I think it’s good for a child to have the love of their extended family. Also now baby is 6months they’ll start sitting up, trying to crawl, etc. soon enough she’ll be moving about. You could meet at soft play or parks (bring toys and a play mat so she can sit and play with her) then your MIL can be ‘busy’ with baby rather than boring you about her friends.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 03/07/2023 21:49

Please don't let either of them within a mile...

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:51

@Ceramiccathy I am focusing on what's best for baby having someone he doesn't know well 'have him' away from me would be scary and confusing for him! I am his main attachment figure.

I thought getting to know people, but still being near his main attachment figure, would be in his best interests but also having a happy mum is in his best interests and the current situation is stressing me out.

I'm so interested why you think I'm precious I thought that I was bending over backwards to try and maintain ties with a man who has hurt me very deeply and his mum, for the sake of my child's right to know his family members

OP posts:
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:51

Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 21:47

As I said, she doesn't need one. Are you the MIL? Just wondering why it bothers you so much.

Show quote history

You don’t seem to understand the concept of an open forum

it doesn’t bother me at all, I have a happy well adjusted 6 month old myself who loves spending time with his family, alone, as it helps build those relationships.

The OP is being absolutely ridiculous

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:52

SPRD23 · 03/07/2023 21:49

It is completely reasonable to not leave your 6 month old baby with other people for long periods of time. My baby is 6 and a half months and she’s only been with her dad for about an hour, not left with anyone else. I have a great relationship with my parents and in-laws but I still haven’t left baby with them yet. She needs her mum still.

If you are someone that chooses to leave your baby with other people, that’s your choice and that’s okay. But the OP isn’t being unreasonable for wanting her baby to feel protected and safe and to stay nearby so she can comfort her. She’s not being overly anxious or unreasonable.

OP, I would not allow MIL to see baby alone but I probably would facilitate a monthly visit for now. You might not like her but I think it’s good for a child to have the love of their extended family. Also now baby is 6months they’ll start sitting up, trying to crawl, etc. soon enough she’ll be moving about. You could meet at soft play or parks (bring toys and a play mat so she can sit and play with her) then your MIL can be ‘busy’ with baby rather than boring you about her friends.

Thank you that is a very balanced reply!

Monthly feels more palatable

OP posts:
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:53

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:51

@Ceramiccathy I am focusing on what's best for baby having someone he doesn't know well 'have him' away from me would be scary and confusing for him! I am his main attachment figure.

I thought getting to know people, but still being near his main attachment figure, would be in his best interests but also having a happy mum is in his best interests and the current situation is stressing me out.

I'm so interested why you think I'm precious I thought that I was bending over backwards to try and maintain ties with a man who has hurt me very deeply and his mum, for the sake of my child's right to know his family members

What do you mean he doesn’t know MIL well? You see her regularly!

You’re being incredibly precious, he is 6 months, not 6 weeks.

if you don’t want the chit chat with MIL just let her take him for a coffee or to soft play etc. Christ on a bike. Do you think it will do your son any favours by not developing these relationships?

Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 21:55

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:51

You don’t seem to understand the concept of an open forum

it doesn’t bother me at all, I have a happy well adjusted 6 month old myself who loves spending time with his family, alone, as it helps build those relationships.

The OP is being absolutely ridiculous

Show quote history

Everybody is not the same as you. You might be comfortable leaving your baby - doesn't mean other people are 'ridiculous' for not wanting to.

You seem to be taking the 'open forum' as an opportunity to just be nasty to OP.

It's not 'precious' to not want to leave a young baby.

EL8888 · 03/07/2023 21:56

They would have “stopped the whole ceremony”. I don’t think it really works like that 🤣.

I think she has way too much to say for herself and l would take a step back if l was you. Feels like the sort to try to go down the legal route if she could -not that she especially has a case. But she could argue she has a relationship with baby

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:57

@Sapphire387 thank you c

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:58

EL8888 · 03/07/2023 21:56

They would have “stopped the whole ceremony”. I don’t think it really works like that 🤣.

I think she has way too much to say for herself and l would take a step back if l was you. Feels like the sort to try to go down the legal route if she could -not that she especially has a case. But she could argue she has a relationship with baby

She literally does have far too much to say for herself!! You've hit the nail on the head there 😂

OP posts:
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 21:58

Sapphire387 · 03/07/2023 21:55

Everybody is not the same as you. You might be comfortable leaving your baby - doesn't mean other people are 'ridiculous' for not wanting to.

You seem to be taking the 'open forum' as an opportunity to just be nasty to OP.

It's not 'precious' to not want to leave a young baby.

Show quote history

Of course she is being ridiculous. Just because there are other ridiculous individuals on here too doesn’t make it any less so.

I feel very sorry for the OPs son, who is being held back by his mothers anxiety

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:59

@Ceramiccathy but I literally am supporting them to develop a relationship. That's why I keep hanging out with the woman so often!

OP posts:
Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:00

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 03/07/2023 21:49

Please don't let either of them within a mile...

Either father or MIL?

OP posts:
Legolegends · 03/07/2023 22:01

Step back OP! Spare yourself the entitled mil drain. I’d be very busy from now on if I were you. Let her son facilitate the relationship x

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:02

@Ceramiccathy also, she's never actually asked to take baby alone, I don't think she'd want to do nappies or sterilize bottles or things like that, she just wants cuddles

OP posts:
Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:02

That was unwise of her to speak like that. If you feel annoyed then it is reasonable to pull back a little. Why should you facilitate her meetings. I know it’s for the sake of the baby but it’s you who has to put up with her rudeness. Baby can have contact with extended family but no need for it to be this frequent.

Stand up for yourself. Make sure she knows that she needs to be careful and not critical. She doesn’t have rights. She’s had her children. It’s an honour for her not a right.

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:06

By the way, I think you sound really lovely letting the baby’s grandma into your life when her son has treated you badly. Ignore the silly posters who say you are precious etc. You sound hugely generous and kind.

Original poster
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 22:07

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 03/07/2023 22:06

By the way, I think you sound really lovely letting the baby’s grandma into your life when her son has treated you badly. Ignore the silly posters who say you are precious etc. You sound hugely generous and kind.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 22:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 21:59

@Ceramiccathy but I literally am supporting them to develop a relationship. That's why I keep hanging out with the woman so often!

But you’re wanting to drop it down due to not liking her company

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for finding her hard work, what is unreasonable is you thinking that’s enough reason to reduce contact

You don’t have to sit and chat to her every other week, she can just take little one for a bit, win win.

At 6 months your baby doesn’t even remember you if you’re not there, that happens around 9 months as separation anxiety starts to set in. There is nothing but your anxiety holding you back from letting her have him for an hour or so.

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2023 22:07

‘Next week doesn’t work for me. To be honest I was really offended by your comments on the christening. Babies have been christened for a couple of thousand years, and you made out like it was bad parenting of me the doing this. I’m an amazing mum and the only committed parent my child has. You can visit next month when dad comes around but I need a few weeks break first ; I’m a single mum and don’t need to put up with criticism much less invite it into my house.’

AliceOlive · 03/07/2023 22:08

I would consider being very direct with her. “Ann, I’m facilitating contact for you with your grandson. I think you must recognize that many women would not bother to do this. It is a kindness.

I was taken aback by your comments about the Christening. Speaking to a 6 month old this way was obviously intended to let me know you did not like him being Christened. We can choose to interact with respect for one another and for my parenting choices. I’d like to continue to help you see him but it will require that we interact in a healthy, positive way with one another. “

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