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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely stuck, what would you do in this situation?

140 replies

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 15:11

DH and I have been presented with an unexpected but amazing choice/opportunity and I don’t know what to do, we are both genuinely undecided so wanted to get some outsider views! Posting here so there is a vote!

I am currently on month 6 of maternity leave, we had planned and saved for me to take the full year off.

DH has recently resigned from his job, he has a 3 month notice period and is starting a new role at the end of September.

His employer has just told him they will be doing PILON, so he doesn’t have to actually work his notice period, so we get to spend a large chunk of this time together with our DD which is amazing.

BUT here is where we are stumped, as we never considered this would be a possibility we want to make the most of this time together as a family, as we will never have a 3 month chunk of time all together for a looong time. However knowing that is making us really indecisive, almost as if there is a pressure to make the most of this time, so much so we might end up not doing anything and wasting it.

We saved enough in a separate account to cover all bills, savings and pocket money for the last 6 months of my maternity leave (as I got 6 months full paid) so I am considering whether it might be worth going back to work 1 or even 2 months early, and using that portion of maternity savings to maybe travel as a family and stay in another country for a month or two. We could do our dream of touring around the USA, or go back to Australia and see more than just one city! Travel round Asia, drive the Italian coast.

But DH is worried I might regret not taking the full 12 months of maternity leave. But tbh I’m already a bit bored of it and although I love DD spending all day with a baby is a bit shit.

We have other savings, but those are the ‘don’t touch’ savings so using some of the maternity savings pot won’t impact us long term or touch the rainy day pot.

What would you do in this situation?

AIBU - you’ll regret not taking the full 12 months. Don’t use the savings for this

YABU - use some of the savings to travel together

OP posts:
Keha · 03/07/2023 16:04

Travel... honestly the back end of mat leave can start to drag and feel like you are just counting down to going back to work. Once you have a date to return you also just work towards that. I am going back at 9 months this time and feel quite ready. I think you'd gain so much more from travelling than from one more month of mat leave. Go as soon as you can, imo babies get harder to travel with as they get older, want to crawl, need more meals etc.

Original poster
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:05

AlligatorPsychopath · 03/07/2023 16:03

…But they want to spend more time travelling together the 3 of them, and OP doesn't want more time home alone on mat leave. So that would be the opposite of what they want..?

It’s like some people genuinely cannot process that a father might actually want to maximise time with his child, and a mother might actively not want to have a full year at home.

Show quote history

I know right, shocker man wants to spend time with his child instead of at work.

I got so many more months at him with her than he did, why would I begrudge him one month so I could have one extra.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:06

*at home with her

OP posts:
TheWalrusdidbeseech · 03/07/2023 16:08

Not just to indulge him?

Not sure how him wanting to make the most of time with his daughter is indulging anyone.

what a nasty comment

I agree, but some people are weird on this forum. You have the chance to this amazing opportunity the 3 of you, take it. Too bad if it makes people bitter!

ChocChipHandbag · 03/07/2023 16:08

No, she said she’d need to go back to work 1 or 2 months early to find the travelling. I’m just pointing out that her DH could also be the one who works to fund it, that the default should not necessarily be to put all the financial burden on OP.

AlligatorPsychopath · 03/07/2023 16:08

Honestly, OP, it seems like you have a perfectly good plan that you want to execute, and the only thing holding you back is some guilt-driven perspective that Real Mothers don’t voluntarily give up time at home with the baby. Which is absolute bullshit. I found mat leave isolating and boring, and happily went back to work at 8 months leaving DH at home with the baby. With my second baby we took 4 months off together and it was great.

Execute your travel plan. Have fun.

ChocChipHandbag · 03/07/2023 16:08

To fund the travelling, not find it.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 03/07/2023 16:10

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 15:23

We have already travelled with her a few times internationally so thankfully know she is a good travel buddy, not a cry forever baby!

Show quote history

There you go then. No question!

My baby came to France with me at least twice a year from 4 months old until primary. Beautiful times.

It's a shame they never remember it though 😭

Original poster
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:11

ChocChipHandbag · 03/07/2023 16:08

No, she said she’d need to go back to work 1 or 2 months early to find the travelling. I’m just pointing out that her DH could also be the one who works to fund it, that the default should not necessarily be to put all the financial burden on OP.

Why shouldn’t I be the one to fund it?

I have had 6x the time with her at home than he has so far. Why would I expect him to go back to work one month early so I can get one month more at home when I’ve already had the majority?

Im not a massive twat so won’t be doing that

OP posts:
ChocChipHandbag · 03/07/2023 16:16

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:11

Why shouldn’t I be the one to fund it?

I have had 6x the time with her at home than he has so far. Why would I expect him to go back to work one month early so I can get one month more at home when I’ve already had the majority?

Im not a massive twat so won’t be doing that

Show quote history

You were the one who said that before your DH decided to change jobs you had planned to take all 12 months off. You could easily have planned to share the paternal leave instead, but for whatever reason you chose not to do that. Why is it only now that you have suddenly come over all defensive and “I can’t begrudge him tube with his child” when that was exactly what you were doing before he resigned his job and this opportunity came up? Your OP directly ties your going back to work with the financial need to do so.

Anyway, you’re happy with the plan, have a lovely time.

MrsLilaAmes · 03/07/2023 16:21

Op, have you factored in the annual leave that you will have accrued during your year of maternity leave? Of course you may have plans for it, but if not you could ask to use 4 weeks of annual leave in your 12th month- and get paid, instead of going back to work a month early.

ThanksItHasPockets · 03/07/2023 16:22

I haven't voted as your options don't make any sense, but absolutely take the chance to travel! House exchange as suggested upthread is a fantastic idea.

Also - if your DD doesn't already have a passport, apply NOW. DS's first passport took about a month earlier this year but there's a good chance it is slower at the moment.

NeedToChangeName · 03/07/2023 16:26

Home exchange could be a great way to have an extended holiday on the cheap

Original poster
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:26

ChocChipHandbag · 03/07/2023 16:16

You were the one who said that before your DH decided to change jobs you had planned to take all 12 months off. You could easily have planned to share the paternal leave instead, but for whatever reason you chose not to do that. Why is it only now that you have suddenly come over all defensive and “I can’t begrudge him tube with his child” when that was exactly what you were doing before he resigned his job and this opportunity came up? Your OP directly ties your going back to work with the financial need to do so.

Anyway, you’re happy with the plan, have a lovely time.

Show quote history

Yes I planned to take 12 months off instead of SPL due to DHs wage being so much higher it worked out stupid financially. Now we can have the time without costing us as much as him not in work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:27

ThanksItHasPockets · 03/07/2023 16:22

I haven't voted as your options don't make any sense, but absolutely take the chance to travel! House exchange as suggested upthread is a fantastic idea.

Also - if your DD doesn't already have a passport, apply NOW. DS's first passport took about a month earlier this year but there's a good chance it is slower at the moment.

Ah we got hers in a week a few months back, it’s worrying how long they’re taking atm

OP posts:
OhBling · 03/07/2023 16:27

Absolutely do this. We had not entirely dissimilar option where at the end of my 6 months maternity I technically went back but actually used all the annual leave I'd accrued. Meanwhile, DH started his parental leave (it was when dads could take some of the maternity leave if the woman went back. Not sure how it works now but at the time, it couldn't be taken simultaneously, hence the need for me to be "officially" back at work) and we went to visit family in another country for almost a month. It was fantastic and such a lovely break for all of us. he got a chance to spend a lot more time with DS ahead of being a SAHD for a while and I got a chance to get a break before I went back to a very hardcore job.

Oh, and if anyone had insisted I take a full year's mat leave with either of my children I'd have stabbed their eyes out. I did NOT want to do that. Now that they're older, I'd happily take the entire summer holidays off to spend with them but not when they were babies! Grin

DrSbaitso · 03/07/2023 16:28

I don't understand what the problem is. You want to travel, you've got the opportunity, the cost to you (slightly shorter mat leave) is easily worth it... what's holding you back?

justawee · 03/07/2023 16:29

Travel!✈️

Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/07/2023 16:32

definitely go off and do something great! we've travelled heaps with our now 2 year old and love it

when number 2 comes along next year we have managed to pull something similar - husband is taking a sebatical from work for 3 months and we are heading off interrailing with both kids about 3 months into my maternity leave! then going to stay with my parents who live abroad for a month at the end before we come back home to real life.

timefornewme2023 · 03/07/2023 16:32

100% travel you will not regret this choice !

Original poster
Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:32

DrSbaitso · 03/07/2023 16:28

I don't understand what the problem is. You want to travel, you've got the opportunity, the cost to you (slightly shorter mat leave) is easily worth it... what's holding you back?

It’s not knowing whether I’ll regret missing some of my maternity leave.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not loving it atm, have to fill my days with so many groups just to not lose my mind, but this will be our only baby, so my only maternity leave and it’s that unknown, so I wanted to see different opinions incase there was something to consider I hadn’t thought of.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 03/07/2023 16:36

Ceramiccathy · 03/07/2023 16:32

It’s not knowing whether I’ll regret missing some of my maternity leave.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not loving it atm, have to fill my days with so many groups just to not lose my mind, but this will be our only baby, so my only maternity leave and it’s that unknown, so I wanted to see different opinions incase there was something to consider I hadn’t thought of.

Show quote history

I don’t think you will. I think if you don’t take this once in a lifetime opportunity you’ll regret it more.

Prestat · 03/07/2023 16:36

Travel!!

Isonthecase · 03/07/2023 16:37

I did the same with maternity leave by myself, got bored silly at home! It's pretty easy to do, pm me if you want a few tips. I did also take my DH when he was free, we did Europe, North and south America (3 trips). Met someone who had done touring of Argentina/Chile in a campervan with a similar set up to yours and it sounded amazing, said it's very good value currently and felt safe.

Rtc12 · 03/07/2023 16:41

Definitely go travelling! As you said, you won't get this chance again. Have you sorted childcare as you might need to check they're available if you plan to return to work early, that's if you're using a nursery/childminder