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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this right to say?

82 replies

shhhhbaby · 03/07/2023 00:22

I've been seeing someone since January who got divorced a couple of years ago. He's made it clear he's not ready for a relationship but beyond that, he's not communicating with me at all. At the moment, I have no idea whether he means he doesn't want a relationship with me but he's using me as a placeholder until he finds someone he likes. Or he just doesn't have the mental capacity to have a relationship but he likes me and fancies me and maybe sees it working. My therapist told me to put my minimum requirements to him in a message to see if he can meet them. What do you think of this message below? Please don't be mean and tell me to fuck him off. I want to know about the message, not that he's a useless shit or I'm a nobhead. But if you're a post-divorced man, I'd welcome your thoughts more generally!!

You know, I think, that I really like you and love spending time with you and I really want it to continue. I feel like we have a connection and you make me feel calm and safe and happy. I'm more than happy to continue in the way that it is right now and I've never needed a relationship or a label. I've been on my own for a while and long enough to know I'm ok. Ive said that to you many times and I hope you believe me. I know you think I'm needy and generally I'm not actually but maybe this situation is making me so.

But I do need some clarity around what you can give and what you can't for me to make that judgement. I think I need to know whether this is just sex for you and filling a void whilst you look for something better.

And if not, and you want to keep seeing me cos you like me and you like spending time with me I want to continue because I like this and you add to my life right now irrespective of a label. There's that theory in peace negotiations (going back to my masters) about the maximum someone can give and the minimum someone can expect and do they overlap.

What I need isnt formalising anything. The minimum I need is basic communication like to know what I can expect from you. Telling me when you don't have capacity to see me or respond to my messages and just making it clear to me that youre just a bit busy or done in emotionally but you'll be in touch when you're ready or able or mentally equipped. I'd happy with that and I appreciate what your life is right now so I don't want to put pressure on you or make you engage when you can't. I just need to know you can't when you can't. Just with that, I'll know what to expect and that's fine with me. I really like being with you irrespective of any formality but with the caveat that I do need more honesty and communication so I know where I'm at.

Is that something you feel able to do?

OP posts:
dillydal · 03/07/2023 00:28

Oh god you need that clarity. Send it to him . Then you can make a choice about what you can accept

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/07/2023 00:30

Wow that is waaaaay too long and hand-wringy.

’Hey, I really like you, and spending time with you. I don’t mind us not having a label at the moment and am happy to see where it goes. But I do need more clarity from you around the times when you don’t want to meet up - it would make a big difference to me if you could text and let me know when you need a bit of time apart, and why - otherwise I get paranoid and stressed. Is that something you could do?’

Desperate to say dump him, he really doesn’t care anywhere near as much as you need him to

JMSA · 03/07/2023 00:34

I agree that it's a bit long, but totally understand your need to send something like that Flowers
I'd maybe rethink the 'calm, happy and safe' point. Does he really make you feel this way? When you're actually in his presence, maybe. But what about the rest of the time, when his low communication efforts leave you anxious, confused and insecure ...

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 00:35

He thinks you’re needy for wanting clarity? That isn’t a good sign. However if you want to pursue this, I agree with PP that your message is way too long winded and passive. Don’t justify yourself, you’re perfectly within your rights to know what he means. Make is succinct and cut it down in length by about half.

dillydal · 03/07/2023 00:36

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/07/2023 00:30

Wow that is waaaaay too long and hand-wringy.

’Hey, I really like you, and spending time with you. I don’t mind us not having a label at the moment and am happy to see where it goes. But I do need more clarity from you around the times when you don’t want to meet up - it would make a big difference to me if you could text and let me know when you need a bit of time apart, and why - otherwise I get paranoid and stressed. Is that something you could do?’

Desperate to say dump him, he really doesn’t care anywhere near as much as you need him to

Ah give her a break. She's clearly having a shit time of it. That's probably why she's on Mumsnet asking for reassurance. Yeah she's spewing her thoughts but she's asking for advice. it must be a head fuck

OwlBabiesAreCute · 03/07/2023 00:41

Omg you sound desperate, needy and that message is ridiculous.

Take the hint op, you like him more than he likes you. Either live with that or get rid. 7

And get a different therapist - one who's actually going to work on you rather than setting you up for a fail.

dillydal · 03/07/2023 00:41

JMSA · 03/07/2023 00:34

I agree that it's a bit long, but totally understand your need to send something like that Flowers
I'd maybe rethink the 'calm, happy and safe' point. Does he really make you feel this way? When you're actually in his presence, maybe. But what about the rest of the time, when his low communication efforts leave you anxious, confused and insecure ...

This OP!!! Does he actually make you feel safe and calm cos it sounds like he doesn't really.

OwlBabiesAreCute · 03/07/2023 00:44

Op go and find someone who'll treat you as you would like to be treated. This person is not the one.

Landndialamrhf · 03/07/2023 00:46

He’s not ready for a relationship and is showing no signs of respectful communication

im not sure what else you need to know
he’s not ready to commit

your options are to hang out anyway
or hang out hoping it’ll be something more one day.

I wouldn’t send that message anyway
sorry it’s a bit shit for you

MBappse · 03/07/2023 00:51

Send the abbreviated version suggested.

Juanmartinez · 03/07/2023 00:52

If you've been seeing him since January but he doesn't want a relationship, I'd be a bit wary .
I'd send a shorter message

' I need some clarity around what you can give and what you can't for me to make a judgement on whether to continue seeing you.I think I need to know whether this is just sex for you and filling a void whilst you look for something better.'

Or better still, dump him and find someone more straightforward.

dillydal · 03/07/2023 00:54

OwlBabiesAreCute · 03/07/2023 00:41

Omg you sound desperate, needy and that message is ridiculous.

Take the hint op, you like him more than he likes you. Either live with that or get rid. 7

And get a different therapist - one who's actually going to work on you rather than setting you up for a fail.

Tbf you sound like a dick. Give her a bit of space. She's not ridiculous. If she's posting on Mumsnet, she's probably sad and wondering what to do. You sound like a judgemental twat.

shhhhbaby · 03/07/2023 01:04

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pizzaHeart · 03/07/2023 01:15

It’s way too long and woolly, sorry OP but you’ve asked.
Who is initiating meet ups you or him? If you, maybe you should stop this and you would get your answer without messaging.

Avondale89 · 03/07/2023 01:19

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The way that message was worded was harsh. But if you paid attention to the sentiment, I do think it would save you a lot of wasted time and emotional pain in the long term. I understand it’s easier said than done. I also say this as someone who has wasted way too much time trying to make relationships work that were never going to. Maybe take some time to be really honest with yourself about whether you’re actually as happy with this situation as you’re portraying yourself to be.

MavisMcMinty · 03/07/2023 01:43

Too long, I couldn’t read it all.

“Is this something you feel able to do?” sounds suspiciously like Rachel, after her 18-pages-front-and-back letter to Ross in Friends. Your options are a) say nothing, hope he starts to love you, enjoy all the sex in the meantime; b) ask him outright (not in a long letter imo); or c) accept he’s not that into you or playing games with you, and be too busy to see him again.

Ponoka7 · 03/07/2023 03:13

I think that you need to drop the first paragraph and take out the parts about him adding to your life. That could get used against you in the future. Stop saying that you don't need things formalising, because really that's what you want. Just set out your basics, without the declarations of things being so good, because they aren't. His head is a mess, but he wants a sex life. I've been there, as a woman. I'm not saying that it's impossible for things to develop, but you are opening up way too much. All you need to do is set your boundaries, but you need to stick to them.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2023 03:20

That message makes you look desperate and rather pathetic. If you were so amenable to settling for scraps you wouldn't have the need to clarify this "relationship", you simply wouldn't care.

This is absolutely not the "situationship" for you.

Newnamehiwhodis · 03/07/2023 03:22

I’m so sorry, OP. this is a good one to journal. Not to send, and you’ll be able to see that when you have a bit of distance.

  1. do not cut yourself down and call yourself “needy.”

  2. simply know that you deserve clarity , and ask for it. He needs to measure up to what YOU want, not the other way around, simply because you’re advocating for your own life, and if you both want something different, it’s best to move on.

  3. don’t hem and haw about how you don’t really need a relationship. You don’t need to be the “cool girl,” and trying to behave as if you don’t care (when you do), just makes you sound weak and scared.
    don’t say you don’t need labels.

just say flat out what you’re looking for, the future you wish to be building toward, and If that’s not what he wants, it’s far far better to know now and move on than to pretend you’re ok with casual and “whatever, no label,” and find yourself feeling unsafe, tying yourself into knots for him.

there is no man on earth who deserves your discomfort, lack of safety, and putting your needs last. Absolutely not one single man is worth giving up your well being.

cassiatwenty · 03/07/2023 03:24

MBappse · 03/07/2023 00:51

Send the abbreviated version suggested.

This. Well-written but a tad too long.

I've never met a man who communicated well as women idk 🤷‍♀️

PushmePull · 03/07/2023 03:25

I think @AtrociousCircumstance 's version is a lot more digestible and clearer.

If there is nuance missing from that, I'm afraid I missed it in the full version. I do think it's a bit too long to get your point across.

You are asking very, very little of him. You shouldn't have to tie yourself in knots to ask for this small thing.

cassiatwenty · 03/07/2023 03:27

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Lizzt2007 · 03/07/2023 05:05

I'm sorry op but in your very first paragraph you answer your own question. He's told you clearly that he's not ready or looking for a relationship. Whether that's just with you or at all is irrelevant, he's told YOU in the situation that you're in that he doesn't want a relationship. Your choice is to accept what he's offering or walk away. He's been clear about what he's offering you at this time. It could change, but right now all he's offering is casual sex, and it's up to you if that's enough for you or not.

wandawaves · 03/07/2023 05:17

It's way too long! And it makes you sound like hard work, which I'm sure you're probably not, it just sounds that way through your essay. Just keep it short and to the point. Would it be better to have the chat in person?

Ladybug14 · 03/07/2023 05:24

You've been dating this guy for 6 months which is no time at all

That message is way too long, way too emotional and way too needy

If you need clarification as to how he wants to proceed with your dating simply say to him, face to face:

'Do you see our dating turning into a serious relationship or not?'

I'd bet not , because he's just not into you imo

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