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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this right to say?

82 replies

shhhhbaby · 03/07/2023 00:22

I've been seeing someone since January who got divorced a couple of years ago. He's made it clear he's not ready for a relationship but beyond that, he's not communicating with me at all. At the moment, I have no idea whether he means he doesn't want a relationship with me but he's using me as a placeholder until he finds someone he likes. Or he just doesn't have the mental capacity to have a relationship but he likes me and fancies me and maybe sees it working. My therapist told me to put my minimum requirements to him in a message to see if he can meet them. What do you think of this message below? Please don't be mean and tell me to fuck him off. I want to know about the message, not that he's a useless shit or I'm a nobhead. But if you're a post-divorced man, I'd welcome your thoughts more generally!!

You know, I think, that I really like you and love spending time with you and I really want it to continue. I feel like we have a connection and you make me feel calm and safe and happy. I'm more than happy to continue in the way that it is right now and I've never needed a relationship or a label. I've been on my own for a while and long enough to know I'm ok. Ive said that to you many times and I hope you believe me. I know you think I'm needy and generally I'm not actually but maybe this situation is making me so.

But I do need some clarity around what you can give and what you can't for me to make that judgement. I think I need to know whether this is just sex for you and filling a void whilst you look for something better.

And if not, and you want to keep seeing me cos you like me and you like spending time with me I want to continue because I like this and you add to my life right now irrespective of a label. There's that theory in peace negotiations (going back to my masters) about the maximum someone can give and the minimum someone can expect and do they overlap.

What I need isnt formalising anything. The minimum I need is basic communication like to know what I can expect from you. Telling me when you don't have capacity to see me or respond to my messages and just making it clear to me that youre just a bit busy or done in emotionally but you'll be in touch when you're ready or able or mentally equipped. I'd happy with that and I appreciate what your life is right now so I don't want to put pressure on you or make you engage when you can't. I just need to know you can't when you can't. Just with that, I'll know what to expect and that's fine with me. I really like being with you irrespective of any formality but with the caveat that I do need more honesty and communication so I know where I'm at.

Is that something you feel able to do?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/07/2023 05:25

People can use all the nice fluffy words and come across and wonderful calm caring people to try and not upset you the way you need them to do, if you really feel you have to send this then no I do not think you really will get whatever answer you are looking for, I personally would accept this person for who they are now or move on

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 03/07/2023 06:19

You're asking for clarity - effectively asking what the "rules" are for your interactions. That's a relationship (of some sort, even if it doesn't have a nice neat label). Some people don't want any rules at all, don't want to feel obliged to respond. They want to feel free to talk or not talk, meet or not meet as they see fit without any consideration for the other person. I once dated someone like that, and when I asked for clarity she immediately dumped me.

ZekeZeke · 03/07/2023 06:23

OP I mean this kindly, he isn't that into you and probably using you for sex.

Bin and move on.
Don't send a needy lengthy message. Talk to him if you want to communicate!

hattie43 · 03/07/2023 06:31

Cringe .
Far too long and wordy .
Can't you just really cut it down , hello , I like you and enjoy spending time with you . I hope I'm respectful about your needs but I also need you to be more communicative with me . I need to know where I stand .

ProfessorXtra · 03/07/2023 06:37

I think you maybe missing one huge point.

He recently divorced. Knows he doesn’t want commitment. But he probably doesn’t know wether this is a temporary thing or a long term thing. He probably doesn’t know if it’s how he feels in general or if it’s you he feels this way about.

A lot of the word contradicts the message. You have ‘yeah I am cool with no label and happy on my own’ but then throwing in phrases like ‘I love spending time you’ which is often something people say when testing the water before saying I love you and don’t feel brave enough.

The whole ‘you make me feel calm and safe and happy’ is really intense. And it’s putting responsibility onto him for you feeling safe, happy and calm. When someone has said they don’t want something serious, that’s going to make them think you are needy and intense.

He has communicated. He finds you intense and needy. You are insisting that you aren’t. But the language suggests you are, which is why there’s a disconnect. You think you are being laid back, and you might be, but your language isn’t.

I think the fat shorter version posted above is much better. I would send that.

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 06:44

That's way too long, OP.

I'd say, 'I've enjoyed spending time with you over the past six months but I'm aware you've said you are not ready for a relationship. For me, it's inevitable that the longer I spend with someone I like, the closer I get to them and I'm now at the stage with you where I don't feel comfortable getting closer to you, if you still feel this is casual.'

I wouldn't say anything else, just state what you think and see how he reacts.

GoodChat · 03/07/2023 06:48

I don't think that message even sets out what you need. You've only asked him for communication (enough to tell you he's not going to communicate!). If you're going to settle for that you're going to be scared to challenge him when he doesn't follow through.

Find your self respect and set some proper boundaries.

nevynevster · 03/07/2023 06:49

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 06:44

That's way too long, OP.

I'd say, 'I've enjoyed spending time with you over the past six months but I'm aware you've said you are not ready for a relationship. For me, it's inevitable that the longer I spend with someone I like, the closer I get to them and I'm now at the stage with you where I don't feel comfortable getting closer to you, if you still feel this is casual.'

I wouldn't say anything else, just state what you think and see how he reacts.

This is good. I'd agree with the messages saying it's too long so go for this shorter version.
Basically I'd say that if he doesn't want a relationship and you do ... that's not a great long term sign. He may not be ready. How would you feel if he dates another woman, if you would be really upset then I'm afraid you may need to move on as he's just not ready for this yet

MrsMontyD · 03/07/2023 06:56

SoWhatEh · 03/07/2023 06:44

That's way too long, OP.

I'd say, 'I've enjoyed spending time with you over the past six months but I'm aware you've said you are not ready for a relationship. For me, it's inevitable that the longer I spend with someone I like, the closer I get to them and I'm now at the stage with you where I don't feel comfortable getting closer to you, if you still feel this is casual.'

I wouldn't say anything else, just state what you think and see how he reacts.

This is essentially the message I sent to DP, I was having fun in our casual thing but didn't want to invest any more time if it was only ever going to be casual because I was really looking for something long term.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/07/2023 06:57

JMSA · 03/07/2023 00:34

I agree that it's a bit long, but totally understand your need to send something like that Flowers
I'd maybe rethink the 'calm, happy and safe' point. Does he really make you feel this way? When you're actually in his presence, maybe. But what about the rest of the time, when his low communication efforts leave you anxious, confused and insecure ...

This.

Also. He clearly likes you or he wouldn't be shagging you but that doesn't mean he wants more than sex.

He's going to tell you 'maybe one day' because that means he gets to continue having sex.

If what you want is a relationship, as opposed to a fuck buddy, find someone else.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 03/07/2023 07:02

I voted YABU because you should have some standards for yourself. I hate to see women - and it’s always women - falling for the whole ‘I’m just not ready/I’ve been hurt in the past’ bullshit from men. If a guy likes you, he likes you. There is no ‘I’m not ready’ - people are always ready for the right person. If he doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be with you, it’s because he doesn’t like you enough to be with you. He will keep stringing you along while you desperately pretend to be cool with the absolute disrespect that comes with all of this ‘no labels’ nonsense and you will end up having your heart broken.

Lacucuracha · 03/07/2023 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You can’t force people in AIBU to give you the response you want OP. People have given you constructive feedback and you haven’t engaged with that.

If you’re insecure, sometimes the Relationships board is a better bet.

HabberdasheryAddict · 03/07/2023 07:06

@shhhhbaby ... Instead of sending this long-winded and needy message, I'd suggest that you read Women Who Love Too Much. You won't regret it.

Cosyblankets · 03/07/2023 07:15

You say you're OK without a label etc but the rest of your message implies that you do in fact want to label it as a relationship. He's made it clear he doesn't want that but you seem to have said that's OK when in fact it's not OK.

CantBeArsedOrAsked · 03/07/2023 07:16

Why not just talk to him? if you can't then surely that tells you all you need to know about the state of your relationship.

Messages cause so much angst, how to word them, will they be misinterpreted give the wrong impression etc. Then there's the waiting for a response...so much simpler just to speak face to face.

MustBeGinOclock · 03/07/2023 07:36

Gosh I couldn't even finish reading this. Far too long winded. Agree with texting him but not in essay format.

Aprilx · 03/07/2023 07:41

It is too long, repetitive and woolly. You also contradict yourself in that you throw in there that you are happy as you are (when you clearly aren’t) and that you don’t need a label or anything. So I also think it is lacking purpose.

Truthfully, you already know the answer anyway.

veryfluffyfluff · 03/07/2023 07:44

Ok you asked so I'll say it- it's so overwrought and makes you come across desperate rather than confident and having boundaries and wanting to know the lay of the land.

BreatheAndFocus · 03/07/2023 07:49

It’s far too long, OP. At best, your actual message will get lost in all the words, at worst you’re confirming yourself as needy and a bit desperate. Identify the problem as you see it in one sentence to yourself as this will help you focus your words, then cut your message down to two or three sentences.

diddl · 03/07/2023 07:50

He has said that he doesn't want a relationship-isn't that clarity enough?

Take him at his word & if that isn't for you-walk away.

Make your own decision based on what you know.

There's no need imo to be hankering after more information.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/07/2023 07:50

I don't understand. You've said you've been seeing him since January but he's made it clear he's not ready for a relationship?

So he's a fuck buddy? Which is great if that is what you also want, but it's clear from your posts that you don't. So why are you with him?

Your message screams desperation and neediness. It will make him despise you. He's not interested in your thoughts and emotions. He thinks you're a half decent shag and quite likes your company but he is not interested in being with you permanently. Men that are looking for a LTR with a woman they adore make it clear from the off. This man has been honest with you. He's told he's not interested in a LTR with you; why are you not listening?

Speak to him. Tell him you're no longer interested in a casual shag and you're after something more permanent. Thank you and goodbye. On the off chance he sees the error of his ways, he'll tell you. More likely, he'll say ok then and be off.

So many on here OP have been where you are - myself included. We are not being harsh but trying to get you to see that this man is wasting your time.

FiddleLeaf · 03/07/2023 07:57

YANBU to want clarity but I think you have it already and are choosing not to accept it. He doesn’t want a relationship with you and by that I assume he means all these heavy chats as well as commitment.

You’re spending a lot of energy on this situationship which is a bad sign. I would end it if I wanted more than your current setup.

samestyle · 03/07/2023 08:07

It comes across as desperate to go along with what he wants, how does this help you in the long run? tbh if he's not into enough from the start, it's not likely to change and he's already had 6 months of your time.
Start thinking about what you want, it will take longer to find that person must at least you won't be wasting time time on someone that can't give you what you want.

Grimchmas · 03/07/2023 08:14

You've had some constructive replies as well as some harsh ones, so I hope you're able to take something useful from this thread.

I agree with others that in it's current format it's too long, and too emotion filled for a man in his shoes to want to read and absorb it. Stick quite clinically to what you are asking of him: it sounds to me like you want him to communicate with you when he needs time off (rather than to ghost on you), and for him to tell you how he mentally sees your dynamic at present. I think i am aldo detecting that you also want to ask him if there is any possibility of this turning into a relationship in the future.

There is a phrase: when somebody tells you who they are, believe them. If he has already told you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him. Whatever he has already said you to that you're not quite ready to believe because you think you can see a hint of something else that you want to see in the twinkle in his eye once a blue moon - believe what he says about himself.

Fraaahnces · 03/07/2023 08:20

Faaaaaaaar too many words. He will head for the hills.
”I feel safe and happy with you but I need some clarity for my own peace of mind. Is this something you can see going anywhere or are you also keeping your options open?”