I've been seeing someone since January who got divorced a couple of years ago. He's made it clear he's not ready for a relationship but beyond that, he's not communicating with me at all. At the moment, I have no idea whether he means he doesn't want a relationship with me but he's using me as a placeholder until he finds someone he likes. Or he just doesn't have the mental capacity to have a relationship but he likes me and fancies me and maybe sees it working. My therapist told me to put my minimum requirements to him in a message to see if he can meet them. What do you think of this message below? Please don't be mean and tell me to fuck him off. I want to know about the message, not that he's a useless shit or I'm a nobhead. But if you're a post-divorced man, I'd welcome your thoughts more generally!!
You know, I think, that I really like you and love spending time with you and I really want it to continue. I feel like we have a connection and you make me feel calm and safe and happy. I'm more than happy to continue in the way that it is right now and I've never needed a relationship or a label. I've been on my own for a while and long enough to know I'm ok. Ive said that to you many times and I hope you believe me. I know you think I'm needy and generally I'm not actually but maybe this situation is making me so.
But I do need some clarity around what you can give and what you can't for me to make that judgement. I think I need to know whether this is just sex for you and filling a void whilst you look for something better.
And if not, and you want to keep seeing me cos you like me and you like spending time with me I want to continue because I like this and you add to my life right now irrespective of a label. There's that theory in peace negotiations (going back to my masters) about the maximum someone can give and the minimum someone can expect and do they overlap.
What I need isnt formalising anything. The minimum I need is basic communication like to know what I can expect from you. Telling me when you don't have capacity to see me or respond to my messages and just making it clear to me that youre just a bit busy or done in emotionally but you'll be in touch when you're ready or able or mentally equipped. I'd happy with that and I appreciate what your life is right now so I don't want to put pressure on you or make you engage when you can't. I just need to know you can't when you can't. Just with that, I'll know what to expect and that's fine with me. I really like being with you irrespective of any formality but with the caveat that I do need more honesty and communication so I know where I'm at.
Is that something you feel able to do?