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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it's rude to actually ask for baby hand-me-downs?

102 replies

WeightoftheWorld · 02/07/2023 10:18

I'm not sure if IAMBU.

A close relative of mine is due to have a baby right at the end of the year. DH and I live very near them and their new partner and we have two young DC. Not sure if it's relevant but people have been very generous with us with our kids, we were in a bad financial position when we had our first, we got lots of gifts from family and friends and continue to receive lots of hand me down clothes for the kids from another relative on DH's side, and from friends. We are so grateful for all of this and definitely appreciate how lucky we are.

We are undecided about whether to have a third DC or not, DH wants to but I'm undecided for various reasons (although mainly the financial side of things). We've kept my maternity clothes, the baby stuff etc in the loft as we did after DC1 until we make a decision either way.

Pregnant relative has asked me if they can have baby things off us. Another relative has asked me twice if pregnant relative can have X and y off us, and they've also asked DH if they can z off us. I have some things I was going to offer pregnant relative anyway, nearer the time as they're not due for ages! Things we didn't use with DC2 and wouldn't with a third - so when she asked I told her what she could have and she confirmed she'd like all of it. Which is fine.

I just feel it's really rude and cheeky to actually ask for things though?! And I don't know how best to say no? They clearly don't think we will be having any more kids, and I don't know whether to be upfront and explain that's why they can't have them or not, because I know they (and other relative) will immediately start a tirade of why that's a ridiculous idea and we shouldn't etc etc so don't really want to open us up to that either!

OP posts:
Sissynova · 02/07/2023 10:21

If you were going to offer to the relative anyway why are you asking the best way to say no? Are you now saying no just to spite them for asking?

In general it’s a bit tacky and presumptuous to ask but I think there are exceptions like with a very close friend or relative. I wouldn’t be offended if a sibling asked to borrow baby items.

Precipice · 02/07/2023 10:22

It's not rude to ask for things. For all they know you're planning to give away loads of things to a charity shop soon and they'd rather be the recipients.

If your relatives would go on a tirade, that's where the rude part comes in.

Fairyliz · 02/07/2023 10:23

You say a close relative so sister or sil? I this case I don’t think it’s cheeky as presumably you are close and families help each other out.

You have said you were in a tight financial situation, you have two children already and inflation is going mad. I think most people would assume you won’t be having any more children.
Would probably be a bit cheeky if it was your neighbours, cousin’s daughters who you have never met.

Original poster
WeightoftheWorld · 02/07/2023 10:24

Sissynova · 02/07/2023 10:21

If you were going to offer to the relative anyway why are you asking the best way to say no? Are you now saying no just to spite them for asking?

In general it’s a bit tacky and presumptuous to ask but I think there are exceptions like with a very close friend or relative. I wouldn’t be offended if a sibling asked to borrow baby items.

Maybe I am being unreasonable then, I just can't imagine ever asking anyone for things we never have done and never would. I'd always assume if someone was going to give us anything they'd offer and would feel it rude to ask.

I mean how to say no to things we want to keep pending a third DC. I'm happy for them to have a small number of items that won't need, and I told them what those were when they asked. That didn't stop another relative then later phoning DH and asking if they could also have a different item that I hadn't offered.

OP posts:
BusyInTheGarden · 02/07/2023 10:25

How on earth do they know you have kept it all and that it's in your loft??

yogasaurus · 02/07/2023 10:27

I’m with you, I think it’s rude to ask. Wait to be offered. If people want to ask, they have to be prepared for the answer to be no.

Just say you might need them again if you don’t want to pass them on.

Incognito2023 · 02/07/2023 10:28

I don’t think it’s rude or cheeky to ask, but it’s also ok to say no (for any or no particular reason) and don’t feel guilty about it or feel you need to explain.

Sprogonthetyne · 02/07/2023 10:30

She may not be due for a while, but maybe wants to plan what she needs to buy herself and what might be gifted, especially if money is tighter for her and she needs to budget carefully. If you weren't planning to offer until nearer the time, she may have already bought stuff unnecessary, so makes sense to ask ahead of time.

Miekle · 02/07/2023 10:30

It's fine to say no. Just say you're keeping it for the time being in case you have an accident (and laugh).
If it's just one or two specific items I'd offer to lend them. It's easy to remember what they are and what condition they were in, so if they get lost or spoiled you can ask them to replace. But if it's lending ALL your baby clothes, some of them definitely won't come back.
I guess it depends on whether you generally get on really well and you think it's worth sacrificing some of the clothes to keep a good relationship. If they are normally pretty cheeky like this then I probably wouldn't lend them the whole lot.

Fandabedodgy · 02/07/2023 10:31

Yes you help a close relative out.

As you have been helped.

And if you need to rely on hand me downs to clothe your children a third is not a clever idea.

Createausername1970 · 02/07/2023 10:33

If there are specific items you would rather hang on to, and they are in the loft and out of view, can you say you gave them to a work colleague or similar? Stops other people asking.

But generally speaking, if what you have was given to you anyway, and you didn't pay for it, then it's a bit mean not to be offering the stuff onwards through the family. If you do have another child, maybe most of it will come back to you anyway.

Mamabird2022 · 02/07/2023 10:33

I don’t think you are being unreasonable I would just say that you and your husband might plan to have a third child so you want to keep things so your not starting all over again but have a select few items they can have that you will not need. I’ve kept all my daughters clothes Incase I have another girl and if anyone asked for them I would tell them straight up no

ManuelBensonsLeftBoot · 02/07/2023 10:34

Either tell her you no longer have stuff or tell her that she can borrow X, y and z but you would like it returned (this doesn't really work with baby clothes but I both borrowed and lent things like travel costs, mosses baskets, bottle sterilisers etc).

squeezedinthemiddlewithyou · 02/07/2023 10:36

I don't think it's rude to ask at all. The tone or phrasing may be rude but my god there is a cost of living crisis and isn't it better for these things to be used.
I hate how wasteful the world is.

Crispymandm · 02/07/2023 10:38

I do think it’s a bit rude yeah, how did they ask? Like did they want to borrow or gifted these items? Is it expensive stuff? I would lit someone close use the stuff but ask for it back once done I think, unless your keeping some for sentimental value.

Sissynova · 02/07/2023 10:40

WeightoftheWorld · 02/07/2023 10:24

Maybe I am being unreasonable then, I just can't imagine ever asking anyone for things we never have done and never would. I'd always assume if someone was going to give us anything they'd offer and would feel it rude to ask.

I mean how to say no to things we want to keep pending a third DC. I'm happy for them to have a small number of items that won't need, and I told them what those were when they asked. That didn't stop another relative then later phoning DH and asking if they could also have a different item that I hadn't offered.

Show quote history

Very easy to that when the timing of your children meant loads of people offered you things!
Personally I think it’s also cheeky to capitalise on other people’s generosity and accept free items but not pass on the favour to others.
Surely if it’s a very close relative you can just say you might want a third so you want them back after she is done with them?

drpet49 · 02/07/2023 10:42

BusyInTheGarden · 02/07/2023 10:25

How on earth do they know you have kept it all and that it's in your loft??

Eh? You have to ask?

drpet49 · 02/07/2023 10:43

yogasaurus · 02/07/2023 10:27

I’m with you, I think it’s rude to ask. Wait to be offered. If people want to ask, they have to be prepared for the answer to be no.

Just say you might need them again if you don’t want to pass them on.

I agree with this.

Xeren · 02/07/2023 10:44

I personally don’t think asking for hand me downs is rude, but going on a tirade if you mention that you might try for another baby certainly is!

The fact that a 3rd relative has been asking for the hand me downs on her behalf suggests that this pregnant lady is a bit pushy? Is that why you’re apprehensive about saying no?

You know you’re relative the best. I would just smile and nod along and then give her what I want to give her. If she asks for more, then you’ll have to be firm and say that you’re keeping it and if she has a problem with that, that’s on her.

continentallentil · 02/07/2023 10:45

There’s nothing wrong with asking.

If it’s clothes you just say they’re on loan as you might have a third. If it’s a cot you can say no or yes but also a loan.

Don’t be such a fuss pot. They helped you out.

Happyfluffball · 02/07/2023 10:46

WeightoftheWorld · 02/07/2023 10:24

Maybe I am being unreasonable then, I just can't imagine ever asking anyone for things we never have done and never would. I'd always assume if someone was going to give us anything they'd offer and would feel it rude to ask.

I mean how to say no to things we want to keep pending a third DC. I'm happy for them to have a small number of items that won't need, and I told them what those were when they asked. That didn't stop another relative then later phoning DH and asking if they could also have a different item that I hadn't offered.

Show quote history

Tell them you won't give any items to avoid creating any expectations. They are being very greedy and horrible. Your kid's things are better going to charity or sold second hand.

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 10:46

It's fine for them to ask. It's fine for you to say no.

continentallentil · 02/07/2023 10:46

If they go on a tirade just tell them it’s none of there business.

Artycrafts · 02/07/2023 10:47

Mental gymnastics, over nothing.

Xeren · 02/07/2023 10:47

There’s also an app called Young Planet where parents can offer free baby things they don’t. You can suggest that to her?

There’s loads of great things on offer that are practically new - cots, car seats, clothes, toys etc.

She might find that helpful?