Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU that it's rude to actually ask for baby hand-me-downs?

102 replies

WeightoftheWorld · 02/07/2023 10:18

I'm not sure if IAMBU.

A close relative of mine is due to have a baby right at the end of the year. DH and I live very near them and their new partner and we have two young DC. Not sure if it's relevant but people have been very generous with us with our kids, we were in a bad financial position when we had our first, we got lots of gifts from family and friends and continue to receive lots of hand me down clothes for the kids from another relative on DH's side, and from friends. We are so grateful for all of this and definitely appreciate how lucky we are.

We are undecided about whether to have a third DC or not, DH wants to but I'm undecided for various reasons (although mainly the financial side of things). We've kept my maternity clothes, the baby stuff etc in the loft as we did after DC1 until we make a decision either way.

Pregnant relative has asked me if they can have baby things off us. Another relative has asked me twice if pregnant relative can have X and y off us, and they've also asked DH if they can z off us. I have some things I was going to offer pregnant relative anyway, nearer the time as they're not due for ages! Things we didn't use with DC2 and wouldn't with a third - so when she asked I told her what she could have and she confirmed she'd like all of it. Which is fine.

I just feel it's really rude and cheeky to actually ask for things though?! And I don't know how best to say no? They clearly don't think we will be having any more kids, and I don't know whether to be upfront and explain that's why they can't have them or not, because I know they (and other relative) will immediately start a tirade of why that's a ridiculous idea and we shouldn't etc etc so don't really want to open us up to that either!

OP posts:

WonderfulUsername · 02/07/2023 10:48

You're making a massive thing about this and I wonder if it's because deep down you're struggling with your own decision about whether to have another baby?

Either way, it's not cheeky and all you have to say is "Nah sorry, not sure if we're having a 3rd. I've got a few bits for her she can have nearer the time".

That's it - no drama.

MintJulia · 02/07/2023 10:49

Just say, I'm planning a third so keeping most stuff but you can have x,y & z.

If they are a close family member, I don't see the issue. You should both be able to speak frankly to each other.

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 10:53

squeezedinthemiddlewithyou · 02/07/2023 10:36

I don't think it's rude to ask at all. The tone or phrasing may be rude but my god there is a cost of living crisis and isn't it better for these things to be used.
I hate how wasteful the world is.

This. OP says herself she's benefitted enormously from the generosity of others.

If she hadn't she might have had to do some asking and it would be bonkers not to ask if someone might have items they would otherwise pass on to the charity shop.

OnlyTheMoonWasWatching · 02/07/2023 10:54

I think the person is rude.

Let’s be honest, you are unlikely to get a lot of it back, if it’s clothing they are after (as babies ruin clothing quite quickly with accidents, weaning etc) or to chase them for bits if they don’t return, so anything you send to that person is something you are unlikely to see again.

It would be different if you weren’t having any more DC of course, but it sounds as if you are likely to.

Just say you have put some to one side and are undecided if you are having another, give them a few bits you don’t want and don’t give in to phonecalls from third parties

phoenixrosehere · 02/07/2023 10:55

I think it is a bit rude because they’re assuming you’re not going to have any more.

It would be different if you had mentioned that you’re going to be giving away clothes and they ask.

How you were given them before is irrelevant.

Anyfeckinusername · 02/07/2023 10:55

Something about babies opens up a world of different behaviours and it's good. You'd never ask "that coat you used to wear, if you're not wearing it anymore can I have it?" to a friend or relative but with baby stuff it's different. I think it's great to ask for whatever might be available. They are only trying to plan. They won't get hung up on you saying "I'm keeping some stuff but you can have xyz" - it could be you're promised it to someone else or maybe you might have mother baby.

Just let them know what they can/can't have so they can get organised. All these things have a very finite shelf life within a family and it's good the get the mileage out of them, I believe.

smilesup · 02/07/2023 10:58

You sound quite tight to be honest. You benefited from free stuff, but want to hang on to the free stuff in case you might possibly want a third child that you can't probably afford. As somebody with three children just to let you know the early years is the cheap bit, it's gets much much more expensive as they get older. We are currently with 3 tall sporty teens and they eat the equivalent of 5 adults sow e feed 7 adults, plus clothing for 5 adults, there are no hand me downs for teenage adult sized boys and very little on vinted etc that fits and is cheap. Shoes costs £45 a pop if lucky and as they play sports they need sport trainers, football boots, school shoes, and trainers to wear normally. Multiply that by 3 is 12 pairs of shoes equals fuck loads. Wheels I need a bigger car because they don't fit into a tiny little car. For holidays we are paying for five adults if we go anywhere. Get me even started on university.

Anyway that was a bit of a rant. You're coming across as a bit tight tbh.

Meeting · 02/07/2023 10:59

I think it's fine to say something like "if you've got any old baby bits you don't need we would be grateful for them". I don't think it's okay to ask for specific items, like as in "can we have your X and Y".

That being said, you were more than happy to receive but don't appear to be nearly as happy to give.

DutchCowgirl · 02/07/2023 11:02

When my Sil got pregnant I had 2 young children and not decided on a third. I just lend her all our items and agreed that she could have the stuff for this baby and we would reconsider what to do with it when the next family-baby came along.

It turned out there never came another baby in our family so we sold it/ gave it away etc.

8misskitty8 · 02/07/2023 11:03

Rude, especially since various family members have been phoning and asking.

Tell them the things you gave already offered are the only things you have left as you gave everything else to charity.

Anon1612 · 02/07/2023 11:04

You are not rude at all to say no, i think its rude to ask if anything,if you have kept them in your attic you might not want to give them away because they are keepsakes or there might be a chance you want another baby.

nobodygoesdowninthejungle · 02/07/2023 11:04

So you've benefitted from the goodwill and generosity of others and are really grateful for that but don't want to pay it forward?

WaltzingWaters · 02/07/2023 11:09

I don’t think it’s rude to ask (though just asking the once), not necessarily for something specific but just a “if there’s anything we could use for our baby that yours has grown out of it would be a huge help” kind of way. Especially as people were so kind gifting you things, you know how helpful it is.

Why don’t you say you can borrow xyz, but please could you give it back once your baby outgrows it as we’re not 100% sure if we’ll have another or not. I’ve lent lots to a friend who has a newborn but said we plan a second so I’ll need it all back again once your baby outgrows it please. They use stuff for such a short time, may as well share and get more use out of things.

DarkForces · 02/07/2023 11:09

Absolutely fine to say no. Just be sure you'll never have to ask them for anything again as they're likely to respond in kind.
Or you could repay the generosity you received

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/07/2023 11:09

Tricky.

I think it depends on how it has been asked for/ how much/ what.

As other posters have said: 'If you're clearing out any baby stuff, we'd really appreciate anything going spare,' - is a reasonable question.

But: 'We need X, Y, Z item off you for our baby, can you let us know when we can collect?' - is pushy, and has made an assumption about your family planning about a decision that has not yet been made.

I have lent some things before, but on the understanding that if they get wrecked, they get wrecked (clothes/ jumperoo etc.) The idea of the loan being, when they are no longer needed/ wanted we would like first dibs on getting them back if in good condition.

We've been open this pregnancy, that due to difficulties with DC1 pregnancy, and current one (plus miscarriages in between) that we are not going for a third (much as part of me would really love a third... But it is just too much of a physical strain on my body and an emotional strain on my husband and family). So I will be offering up things to friends and family if they need them, once they are no longer needed (especially as we also benefited from hand-me-downs and gifts). Being asked for items in a scenario like ours seems totally reasonable! But then, that is a very different situation to OP... Unless OP has missed out info somewhere?

FloweryName · 02/07/2023 11:11

Regarding things you have bought for your children yourself, I agree it’s rude to ask. It’s different when it’s things that have been given by older members of one side of the family with the intention that they will be used for the whole generation of new babies and it just so happens that yours is higher in the chain that someone else’s.

It could end up that the the existing new baby will be able to use some things before you have another if that’s what you decide. Or maybe you won’t have another and you’d prefer something to be wasted in a loft rather than be used for another family baby. The worst case situation is that two babies could make use of the same thing at the same time so another has to be bought but considering the generosity you have received so far, it’s shouldn’t be a huge problem.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 02/07/2023 11:14

Fandabedodgy · 02/07/2023 10:31

Yes you help a close relative out.

As you have been helped.

And if you need to rely on hand me downs to clothe your children a third is not a clever idea.

What a stupid thing to say. Plenty of people who are rolling in cash use hand me downs. People with attitudes like this are why the oceans are full of plastic.

Fandabedodgy · 02/07/2023 11:15

@BiscuitsandPuffin

You've totally misunderstood my point.

Usernamenotavailab · 02/07/2023 11:17

no it isn’t rude to ask.

just like it isn’t rude to say no.

B1993 · 02/07/2023 14:09

I wouldn't ever ask for baby items, close family or not as I do think it's rude. However, I have graciously accepted offered items from family if I can make use of it.

I also think it's a bit selfish of you to have been gifted all of these things and benefit from others' generosity but not want to help someone else out?! If it were me, I'd gift them them the things they needed (as long as I'd not bought it myself) and just say that it's on the proviso that you get it back if you decide to try for a third/when they have finished with it. I know some are saying you might not get if all back but, on the other hand, they might gift you extra bits that they were gifted sine you helped them out.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/07/2023 14:14

You already admitted you were grateful for stuff as you where in financial difficulty, so could your relative be

and you haven’t made your mind up about a third, so it will be at least a year, if not more before you need them

why not hand some of the stuff over but with the caveats you need it back so the6 need to take care of it

BankBanque · 02/07/2023 14:28

I mean, it's polite to wait to be offered, but some people think others won't want 2nd hand stuff so asking may be a way of making you aware of that.

Ragwort · 02/07/2023 14:33

It can be a bit of a minefield offering to pass things on though .. I offered a first time mum some of my baby's things (absolutely knew we would NEVER have another DC) and she was quite sneery towards me 'I can afford to buy new things' was her comment ...

Luxell934 · 02/07/2023 14:34

Why can't you say that they can borrow all your stuff but say we might need it back if we have another.

You said you've been helped massively so why can't you help close relatives now?

Paythosebitchesnomind269 · 02/07/2023 14:40

I gave my relative all my baby clothes and they ended up in vinted 😳🙄

Flip

1 2 3 4 5