AIBU that it's rude to actually ask for baby hand-me-downs?

[WeightoftheWorld]

I'm not sure if IAMBU.

A close relative of mine is due to have a baby right at the end of the year. DH and I live very near them and their new partner and we have two young DC. Not sure if it's relevant but people have been very generous with us with our kids, we were in a bad financial position when we had our first, we got lots of gifts from family and friends and continue to receive lots of hand me down clothes for the kids from another relative on DH's side, and from friends. We are so grateful for all of this and definitely appreciate how lucky we are.

We are undecided about whether to have a third DC or not, DH wants to but I'm undecided for various reasons (although mainly the financial side of things). We've kept my maternity clothes, the baby stuff etc in the loft as we did after DC1 until we make a decision either way.

Pregnant relative has asked me if they can have baby things off us. Another relative has asked me twice if pregnant relative can have X and y off us, and they've also asked DH if they can z off us. I have some things I was going to offer pregnant relative anyway, nearer the time as they're not due for ages! Things we didn't use with DC2 and wouldn't with a third - so when she asked I told her what she could have and she confirmed she'd like all of it. Which is fine.

I just feel it's really rude and cheeky to actually ask for things though?! And I don't know how best to say no? They clearly don't think we will be having any more kids, and I don't know whether to be upfront and explain that's why they can't have them or not, because I know they (and other relative) will immediately start a tirade of why that's a ridiculous idea and we shouldn't etc etc so don't really want to open us up to that either!

If you were helped a lot by family then it isn't surprising that family would expect you to pass the help along.
Asking isn't rude, complaining about not being helped would be.

Depends how it's done. "Can I have your xxxx?" Then rude.

If it's more a "have you any baby stuff you're getting rid if and if so can I be considered?" then that's fine.

I think it’s good to have circular use for baby things. We lent all ours about after DC1. All came back, now having different gender baby number 2 and a friend and I have swapped clothes for next babies. It will all go back to the original owner.

I will then lend to my SIL or DB when they have babies soon. We then plan to have a third DC so will have our bits back but I’m sure someone will also lend again if it’s gender numbee 2 which we have less of :)

I hate the idea baby bits just get used once! Our Snuz crib has already had 3 babies in it :) :)

Very mixed responses!

I don't think I could lend things, you can't guarantee you're going to get it back. Not even through anyone's fault. I think if I give anything it's without an expectation of getting it back ever. I'm pretty confident the relative will have more than one child (as most people do) so anything they take off us obviously they'd want it for the next child etc so they're not going to give it back to us.

A lot of people seem to think I'm only talking about things we received second hand and that's not the case. For example I've been specifically asked for two particular items/types of items. The first was a gift from another relative and the second I bought all myself. And the other request was just they wanted anything possible off us, we do have lots of hand me downs which are mainly clothes but there's still obviously plenty of things we did buy ourselves and then gifts too. DC2 has wore most of DC1s clothes even though they're opposite sexes. Also, a bulk of the handmedowns were from a relative on DH's side and one of his other close relatives is also having a baby this winter. So really I feel if we were going to pass on that stuff it should go to them anyway not my relative as it was stuff from DH's family not my side. I'm definitely not talking about like family heirlooms passed down to us that I'm refusing to pass on within my family or anything! There actually are two items of that nature which I was going to offer to this relative anyway and have told them they can of course have.

If we were confident we weren't having any more kids I'd split everything between my relative and DH's relative no questions asked. But didn't think it was unreasonable not to want to give everything away, then have another baby and have to buy everything from scratch. Especially as we'd definitely not be so fortunate then as there be no one to get hand me downs from as they'd both be keeping them for their subsequent children (understandably so).

Some comments too about our financial situations. Thankfully we are in a more comfortable situation now. We can of course afford to buy our kids clothes. But saving lots of money on them means we can spend that money on other things for them, or put more on the mortgage, for example. Our relative asking for stuff, them and their DP are better off than us. I don't think that really is here nor there with this though as I'd still give them half if we definitely didn't need it, regardless of their finances. but just mentioning as lots of people suggesting they may be in real desperate need of it and thats not the case.

A few people have also suggested lying or pretending we don't have stuff. I wouldn't want to lie, I don't feel that would be right. And it would then later be obvious we had lied if we have another and wheel it back out again. I think that would do more harm than them just being a bit annoyed at us saying no.

I guess this is the root problem. They are not someone you can 'speak frankly to' without them flying off the handle.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind that this is rude. You’re not using them - just say you’ll lend them and would like them back.

And I don’t think their financial situation matters. We could afford all new baby stuff but we’re borrowing as much as we can, because new stuff is a waste of money and trying to reduce consumption

I don't think that's really relevant but just to say this is the kind of thing I'm concerned about when I say the financial side. Not about affording another baby as we could do that fine. But don't think that's partivularly relevant to my question anyway.

Why would you assume you wouldn't get the stuff back you lent if you were pregnant? Even if they want more than one, it's unlikely you'll both be pregnant at the same time. They'd look like twats if they refused to lend stuff you've give them.

It's just stuff. Stuff you probably won't use ever again. You seem quite selfish tbh, it's not strangers asking for stuff its family.

There's a few posts like this which imply we've received a lot from this particular relative. We haven't. Shes bought birthday and Christmas presents etc for kids as we obviously will for her child but nothing exceptional. That's absolutely fine, and has nothing to do with my decision making, it just seems some people are suggesting the relative themselves has showered us with stuff and now is asking for help in return which isn't the case.

It’s absolutely fine to say we are keeping it in case we have a third child. The fact they will make comments about that is their issue.

In fact let them and shut them down. Time to have some boundaries here. You don’t have to justify your decisions!

Really don't think they'd be at all bothered about 'looking like a twat' but obviously that's a huge backstory. I honestly don't think we'd get stuff back if I lent it and DH agrees with me on that. If we were confident we would then yes we'd be happy to do that of course. I agree it's silly for it to sit there and not be used when it could be. But we don't believe we'd get it back. And tbf they've asked to have the items not borrow them.

Does it make a difference that the vast majority of the hand me downs etc were not from my family though? They're mostly from DH's family, and friends.

Some parents-to-be are swimming in hand me downs (mostly those having children later then their social bubble), some not. Some people believe in borrowing and some only in giving. Some people think about gifts they are giving as "family property", some understand it is receiver's to do with the gift as they please including selling on... Social minefield.

I don't see anything wrong about expressing interest/asking what they can have.

I don't see anything wrong with asking early - they might want to put everything together and be ready.

When they keep asking, than they are rude.

"Not really, I've already offered what is available at the moment".

A general "if you have anything you're getting rid off" isn't so bad but asking for specific things is rude. Surprised how many people see it as ok. Gifts shouldn't ever be given with expectations of what happens afterwards either.

They are not unreasonable to ask, you are not unreasonable to say no.

I’m actually quite shocked at some of the reply’s on this post OP. I kept all my daughters clothes. a lot was second hand and gifts but I did buy a lot too. If someone asked me for my daughters clothes I would say no as I’m planning on having more children. If I borrowed them to the family member how would I know they would come back in the same condition or they get rid of the clothes in a clear out. Absolutely not. If I was done having children and someone asked then that would be a different story but since you said you were debating on having a third child I wouldn’t give them everything. I would say here is xyz and if they ask about the rest of the stuff I would just say well we might decide in the future to extend our family. If we don’t and you have another baby then you can have it but for right now we are keeping ahold of a lot of things

If I borrowed them to the family member

@Mamabird2022 If you lent them. Not borrowed.

@PeachesOnTheBeaches oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I was in an English lesson.

This was exactly our thinking too. But obviously most people feel differently judging by this thread.

That’s okay 👍

It's definetely not rude of her to ask, I think it's more rude that you didn't actually offer to give these things to her! What's the reason in them buying everything again when they are already in the family and you are currently not using them anyway.

Surely she can give them back to you when/if you ever have another baby?!

If it's family I don't think it's particularly rude, they're obviously well aware that you received the same help yourself. As far as not wanting to pass anything in case you have a third, why not just ask for the stuff back after they finish with it? Explain you were keeping hold of it because you're considering a third, so when they finish with it please could you have it back?

@WeightoftheWorld it blows my mind how people are like this 😂. It’s you and your DH decision and both your decision only. You could fall pregnant next week and if you lent your baby things to the fm you would need them all back anyway plus you said she still has a while to go so it would be pointless. I stand by my decision and I wouldn’t give them everything if there is a possibility of another child. Why buy all new when you literally have everything there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Every day is a school day. 🙂