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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it's rude to actually ask for baby hand-me-downs?

102 replies

WeightoftheWorld · 02/07/2023 10:18

I'm not sure if IAMBU.

A close relative of mine is due to have a baby right at the end of the year. DH and I live very near them and their new partner and we have two young DC. Not sure if it's relevant but people have been very generous with us with our kids, we were in a bad financial position when we had our first, we got lots of gifts from family and friends and continue to receive lots of hand me down clothes for the kids from another relative on DH's side, and from friends. We are so grateful for all of this and definitely appreciate how lucky we are.

We are undecided about whether to have a third DC or not, DH wants to but I'm undecided for various reasons (although mainly the financial side of things). We've kept my maternity clothes, the baby stuff etc in the loft as we did after DC1 until we make a decision either way.

Pregnant relative has asked me if they can have baby things off us. Another relative has asked me twice if pregnant relative can have X and y off us, and they've also asked DH if they can z off us. I have some things I was going to offer pregnant relative anyway, nearer the time as they're not due for ages! Things we didn't use with DC2 and wouldn't with a third - so when she asked I told her what she could have and she confirmed she'd like all of it. Which is fine.

I just feel it's really rude and cheeky to actually ask for things though?! And I don't know how best to say no? They clearly don't think we will be having any more kids, and I don't know whether to be upfront and explain that's why they can't have them or not, because I know they (and other relative) will immediately start a tirade of why that's a ridiculous idea and we shouldn't etc etc so don't really want to open us up to that either!

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 02/07/2023 14:43

Happyfluffball · 02/07/2023 10:46

Tell them you won't give any items to avoid creating any expectations. They are being very greedy and horrible. Your kid's things are better going to charity or sold second hand.

Show quote history

So OP got a lot of help with hand me downs but you think its best to tell them it's better for them to give to charity shop or sell second hand than give to a close pregnant relative? Your posts never fail to make me 😂

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 02/07/2023 14:44

You don't even know if you're having a third child and if you're this tight with some second (third) hand clothes it's probably not the best idea anyway.

Prescottdanni123 · 02/07/2023 14:48

Say that you have already given it to someone else. And then if you have a third child, this someone will give it all back.

bumblebee2235 · 02/07/2023 14:49

Never occurred to me it could be taken as rude?

I always use hand me downs.. 1. I like recycling rather than items going in landfill 2. I hate having to palm things off or do tip trips, so I love being able to bag up and give back what I don't need...

I had been borrowing things from my sister in law, her baby is 9 months older than mine, so I sometimes ask if there is anything she is getting rid off then I can take off her hands.. didn't think I might be considered rude 😬 although I don't ask outright, I generally ask advice on what I need or should do, or if I'm a pinch ask if I can borrow. I'm pretty sure she will have another child, so I'm taking care to look after what I borrow and have myself to give back in a bundle when she is ready.

JMSA · 02/07/2023 14:53

YABVU. I mean, it's not even like you bought the stuff they're asking for yourself Hmm

JMSA · 02/07/2023 14:54

Maybe I am being unreasonable then, I just can't imagine ever asking anyone for things we never have done and never would.

But you never HAD to ask, as it was given to you on a plate. I don't mean to be rude, but can you really not see the difference?

QueenLagertha · 02/07/2023 15:08

Honestly I can't see the issue with them asking. But being pushy about it is rude.

However you did say how much it helped you when people gave you their stuff to use so maybe you should continue to pass the favour on. I love seeing all our baby things on my children's cousins.

EhrlicheFrau · 02/07/2023 15:10

It's perhaps a bit forward but not rude as such to ask. It's also ok for you to reply with 'no, sorry' and not have to give any explanation, or to say you are not sure what your plans are with said item as of yet.

Quveas · 02/07/2023 15:12

If the request is polite, I don't think it's rude to ask. For many people it's brave to ask - it must feel awful to think that you maybe can't afford to buy your baby things and need the charity of others to help you out.

CurlewKate · 02/07/2023 15:14

Total stranger-rude.

"Close relative" -not rude. Even if it's your in-laws.

HTH

SkaneTos · 02/07/2023 15:20

You were met with generosity when your first child was born. This is a chance for you to pay it forward.

gogomoto · 02/07/2023 15:22

I don't think it's rude at all, it's sensible to pass things down. If you were actively ttc that's slightly different but from what you have said this isn't the case. Lend and state you want them back would be my approach

Irridescantshimmmer · 02/07/2023 15:49

Just give a closed answer......no.

To anyone who asks you for the 2nd hand baby clothes. It is harder for people to wriggle out of closed answers like no.

Also, I know this is your choice but don't offer an explanation why, your reasons are personal and confidential and just between you and your husband only.

Luxell934 · 02/07/2023 15:54

Irridescantshimmmer · 02/07/2023 15:49

Just give a closed answer......no.

To anyone who asks you for the 2nd hand baby clothes. It is harder for people to wriggle out of closed answers like no.

Also, I know this is your choice but don't offer an explanation why, your reasons are personal and confidential and just between you and your husband only.

Then OP and her DH look like selfish tight twats. They were helped with hand me downs, but now want to keep them "just incase" they have a third. Just borrow the stuff and say you'd like it back incase you have another.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 02/07/2023 16:02

If they've asked for anything you don't want to give, just say you don't have it anymore/already gone to charity/passed on to someone else etc. they can't have what you don't have any more and you don't have to tell them it's in your loft "just in case" you want a third.

Anothermam · 02/07/2023 16:05

I've only kept a few bits for sentimental reasons and wouldn't give them away, unless maybe to my own grandchildren someday. Could you say that?

SorryForTheRant · 02/07/2023 16:13

I think more context is needed tbh.

If it's a pram set your mum bought you specifically for your baby then yeah, that's a bit cheeky.

If it's a swing that DH's family gave to you second hand and they now want to reuse it within their family then you're being unreasonable.

When I had my DD I made it very clear that I wanted a piece of furniture back from my cousin that my mum had allowed her to use. She told me she wasn't sure if she was having more children, I told her that's great but seeing as I'm pregnant now I'll take it back and we can discuss her borrowing it again if and when she has another. I didn't think twice, I thought she was bloody rude for trying to refuse given it had been my mum's in the first place. On the other hand, my mum bought her an expensive bouncer when she was pregnant and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking her for that, even to loan.

On that basis I think there's a big context gap between use of something "gifted" second hand or an actual gift that has been purchased for you.

lieselotte · 02/07/2023 16:20

Even if you are considering a third, can't you lend them the stuff but say you may well need it back.

I agree with a pp that you are being a fusspot. What's the point of the stuff hanging around in a loft when it could be used. Ok some of it might get worn out - but they may then have stuff that they can lend you.

Chickentonights · 02/07/2023 16:22

I actually think you are being a bit selfish if the items were gifted to you in the first place and presumably the same relatives are asking if you can pass them on? You’ve already benefitted from their generosity and it seems a bit entitled to hold on to it all on the off chance you will have another baby. Why don’t you just lend it and say you might need it back? Your relative might be in a difficult position too and they might be feeling cheesed off that you’ve benefitted from the free stuff and now won’t share. My DB is a bit older than me and has had 2 DC and was gifted quite a few hand me downs, if I was pregnant I would be annoyed if he and his wife held onto them just in case they have another baby. You say they’re a close relative so why wouldn’t you want to help?

MavisMcMinty · 02/07/2023 16:25

If you give them the stuff they ask for, they’ll be more inclined to give you stuff if and when you have that currently theoretical third baby. If you refuse then for whatever reason don’t have more babies, you’ll feel silly.

Beenawhilesinceacupoftea · 02/07/2023 16:25

Presumably no one knows what you’ve got in that loft? Just give them what you are happy to give and feel completely confident keeping what you want to keep.

personally I found all this stuff a bit of a minefield and just prefer to sell / donate to charity

LadyLardy · 02/07/2023 16:28

I don't think it's rude. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say to friends/relatives 'Do you have anything you could pass on to us? We'd be really grateful'.

People are very welcome to say 'Sorry, No'.

DisgustedOfTidmouth · 02/07/2023 16:31

If it's non-clothes items could you lend them (making it clear you want them back).

We were loaned a fair few things by B and SIL and I did likewise with my friend

Charles11 · 02/07/2023 16:37

Good for them for asking.
I think you are being very unreasonable. You are now in a position to help a close relative who could probably do with some help yet you're annoyed?

Irequireausername · 02/07/2023 16:54

They're probably surprised that you haven't really offered.

My relatives offered straight away, as did I when another relative got pregnant.

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