I don't think I'm 100% AIBU but I need to get a grip

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

DH and I have a rule that any time away for work or personal life needs to go in each other's calendars e.g. dinner with friends, weekend away. It's usually after the "does this work?" conversation. This is how we juggle parenting (DD8) responsibilities e.g. school pick up. Both have busy FT jobs so keeping track is important.

Anyway, DH had the opportunity to present in a country at the opposite side of the world and jumped at it. He OK'd it with me with what he said was a couple of days tourism afterwards (spoiler: he's added five days for tourism). I checked the diary and he had one weeklong camping trip in June. It was a push but I said OK because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I go to London a lot with work (manager) and my boss asked me to do a presentation in June. It was a free date in the diary and I provisionally agreed. When I popped DH a message and added it to the calendar, he responded that he was away that week on another weeklong camping trip in June. So that's two weeklong camping trips with two different friends (no OW, I know both the friends) and 1.5 weeks for work tourism.

I was really annoyed and said so but ultimately what could I do because by that time everything was booked and paid for. He gets touchy when I get cross after he announces at the last minute that his camping friend is staying with us last night before getting flight. I don't have a problem with that in principle, it's the last minute slow and inconsistent delivery of information. For example, he wasn't clear on his departure date (said it was one thing then another, I was called to London but it turned out it was the first day and it left me up the shitter).

We talked all of this out but did leave me a bit resentful and cross. He's now having a blast of a time with cultural experiences while in my world, our cat has gone missing. I'm beside myself with worry and I've been staying up into the early hours then up again to look for him. DD has started saying things like she hates her body (trying to listen/parent best I can) and work has just been an absolute shitshow with out of nowhere deadlines.

I'm struggling to keep my head over the water. I love writing and exercise, but can't bring myself to stop scrolling my phone, whether for the cat or just doom scrolling. I clearly need a kick up the butt.

We've been out putting up flyers and searching every nook and crevice for twat cat who I love probably too much and I'm covered in head to toe in sodding bites from the searching and resisting the urge to scratch.

I know none of these are DH's fault but I'm a festering pot of resentfulness and crossness and I can't pull myself out of it. I've tried doing fun things with DD and even doing nothing and just chilling. But I've wound myself up and I'm too tired to get a grip. My Mum used to beat a carpet in the garden to get her stress out, which I could bloody do with right now.

So he’s away 3 weeks in June, 2 of those for pleasure? HIBU, we have the same set up in our marriage and in this situation DH would have to alter his camping plans for my work trip to London. Sorry about your cat!

Oh OP, I started reading this thinking that you sounded a bit regimented and controlling, but ended feeling really bad for you. So you have drawn the short straw AGAIN
Is there a reason that your husband's plans take priority over yours? This sits especially uncomfortably with me when yours is professional and his is only leisure
And I'm so sorry about your cat - I hope it turns up soon (which it probably will).
Anyway, YANBU.

@JMSA I can appreciate how I sound like that, but we've needed this well-oiled machine to keep this type of thing happening and because of DH's 'out-of-the-blue' surprises. I need reminders/prompts in diary or I forget it's happening. Although I'm tempted to say sod it now it clearly doesn't work!!!

That's really inconsiderate of him, YANBU.

But - to me at least - I'd have an even bigger issue with the amount of time he agrees to away from the family. 2 week long holidays in a month or two away from his family? What about you guys? Presumably your daughter gets very limited time with parents anyway if you're both in full on FT jobs, so he then chooses to spend 1/4 to 1/3 of his annual leave on his friends?

His priorities are messed up. And selfish.

Why do you have to compromise your career for your husbands camping?

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest

It also sounds, amongst all of this, that your daughter needs more investment in her mental health. To be 8 and concerned with her body is worrying. Is she showing other signs of mental health issues?

This is where I'd be focusing if I were your husband, not on a few week long jollies with his mates.

@SchoolShenanigans he's usually hands on and present so sees it as a one-off short period. I agree with you, but we've planned our work time so DD has lots of time with us (that's why this amount of planning is needed). We both want to spend max time with her outside her school hours so she only has after school club three days a week.

He's only taking a couple of days annual leave as most of this is work.

The problem here is my work can give two weeks notice. He has booked and paid for his with friends, vaguely asked but not put it in my diary so I didn't see a full picture when agreeing.

It’s pretty rubbish if your dh to not rearrange camping for your work. Is it in this country? Could he have gone the next day instead? Surely he first need 2 x trips plus 5 days sightseeing after his work trip.
I’d be resentful too esp w lost cat issue, that’s really upsetting and stressful (would advise calling local animal shelters/pdsa for this).
I hope you find your cat v soon.

@SchoolShenanigans - I've had lots of conversation with DD and we're on a better track (she threw a bike at me last week) but then I wonder if it's been masked in the week of cat missing. We had a nice day the two of us yesterday and will focus on her again today. Trying to do best I can whilst not feeling OK myself on the inside.

You are conflating two things, that's why you feel you might be being unreasonable. You are having a terrible time while your husband is away. That's unfortunate, but not his fault.

But how can he have booked the second week camping? If he had checked it with you, you would have said no, it's too much for you on your own in one month. And your work meeting was discussed before his (2nd) camping. How the hell was it all booked and paid for?!?

The rule is if it's not on the calendar it's not happening. Your husband needs to understand that. And it sounds like you need a further rule where if something materially affects you then you need minimum ?3 days notice. So friend spontaneously invites him to the pub and you're already home, fine, go ahead. Friend is staying in your house, you need notice.

It sounds at the moment like he has all the privilege of doing what he wants after checking with you, but you do not have the same. That's why you're pissed off!

Hes taking it for granted that you're the default parent. At the very least he should be booking it in the calendar and checking it was ok, seeing if he could help make it easier for you by getting food in etc.

Would he accept you doing the same without any grumble?

Hope you're cat turns up.

@Dotcheck - that's a whole other issue. DH was very resentful when I was awarded a bonus (which after tax was a hell of a lot less, but it was a reflection of doing well in my job). He finds my work 'successes' difficult to swallow sometimes, so sometimes I don't talk about them as much. It's an unattractive side to him, but it's not the only side, there's lots of good.

@AuntieJune - I would never get away with this much time away!!!!!!

@Janek - good advice and you've hit the nail on the head. I don't get the same freedoms. Also, I wouldn't do that to him and I think he knows that.

And therein lies your problem! Time to demand equal respect and consideration.

Maybe I havnt understood OP, or missed something, are you asking for advice about how to respond to his second camping trip?

@Allwelcone - I'm struggling to cope at the moment, partly due to the trips DH is taking, partly due to life stuff happening while he is away that has left me feeling resentful.

For example, if he was here I would probably have the cat back by now because I'd have been able to do more searching/act quickly to text messages reporting sightings of him. DD and I are going to knock on people's doors later (if she's up to it).

I know I sound pathetic but I love my cat, he's always next to me and this is out of character. I would probably be more overjoyed at him coming back than my DH right now.

This wouldn’t happen here - because the rule is, if it’s not in the shared calendar, it’s not happening! Camping trip #2 would thus need to be rebooked/rescheduled.

@Catabogus - that's what will happen next time. However in this instance friend was booked on flight from another country.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze we have a similar shared calendar and if it’s not on the calendar, it can’t happen. We’ve both been burnt by it twice and had to let people down and we haven’t done it again - I know it’s too late now, but I would have said the 2nd camping trip couldn’t happen / needed to be rearranged. You shouldn’t have to make yourself smaller for him. It sounds like you need to do a reset when he’s back - and fgs, book yourself some time off now in the calendar!

I am SO sorry about the cat, have been there myself. Have you tried Facebook groups? We’ve got a great one that’s found mine twice. And keep walking around / shouting, I’m sure he will be back soon

Please don’t compromise your career for him.
Being resentful/ jealous of your success isn’t surface behaviour, it is a feature of his personality. That really is not good

So he gets to plan his work and social life without really buying into the "joint responsibility" angle.. and when there's a clash because he's fucked up by not communicating as a team, you just suck it up?

Why aren't you pushing back and diverting the pain back to the cause- him? The fact that his friend booked flights isn't your problem.

Both you and him seem to think that it's your job to be the solution to his selfishness.

What would happen if the next time he introduces a clash with an impact (money will be lost, he'll lose face to friends or work) on you , you simply said "oh dear, hope you have luck sorting out that problem" but don't get involved in planning, supporting or sucking up the impact by changing your plans to be the solution?

This drives me crazy too. I am the house secretary, making sure things are on the calendar, asking DH what he's working (shift work) and then things still randomly come up that he forgot to mention. Drives me insane!!!!

Do posters with this problem never just try and introduce a little bit of pain to see what happens? It's not meant sarcastically here.i meant, I once had a problem with dh leaving change everywhere when toddlers were at the "putting crap in mouths" state, I'd not be able to walk into a room without walking across coins sticking to my feet and I could see the risk wasn't landing.. instead of just putting them all back in trousers pockets I flipped and started just stealing it for piggybanks. Dh only had to end up trying to park before work once and didn't have enough money for us to have a rather heated discussion on why the fuck I wasn't planning to keep picking up coins around toddlers. Fixed overnight after weeks of my begging, pleading. Fuck that

Just introduce a little bit of consequences and pain would be my advice.

How much leave does he have left to spend with you and your daughter if has spent 2 weeks on camping trips in June?