I don't think I'm 100% AIBU but I need to get a grip

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

DH and I have a rule that any time away for work or personal life needs to go in each other's calendars e.g. dinner with friends, weekend away. It's usually after the "does this work?" conversation. This is how we juggle parenting (DD8) responsibilities e.g. school pick up. Both have busy FT jobs so keeping track is important.

Anyway, DH had the opportunity to present in a country at the opposite side of the world and jumped at it. He OK'd it with me with what he said was a couple of days tourism afterwards (spoiler: he's added five days for tourism). I checked the diary and he had one weeklong camping trip in June. It was a push but I said OK because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I go to London a lot with work (manager) and my boss asked me to do a presentation in June. It was a free date in the diary and I provisionally agreed. When I popped DH a message and added it to the calendar, he responded that he was away that week on another weeklong camping trip in June. So that's two weeklong camping trips with two different friends (no OW, I know both the friends) and 1.5 weeks for work tourism.

I was really annoyed and said so but ultimately what could I do because by that time everything was booked and paid for. He gets touchy when I get cross after he announces at the last minute that his camping friend is staying with us last night before getting flight. I don't have a problem with that in principle, it's the last minute slow and inconsistent delivery of information. For example, he wasn't clear on his departure date (said it was one thing then another, I was called to London but it turned out it was the first day and it left me up the shitter).

We talked all of this out but did leave me a bit resentful and cross. He's now having a blast of a time with cultural experiences while in my world, our cat has gone missing. I'm beside myself with worry and I've been staying up into the early hours then up again to look for him. DD has started saying things like she hates her body (trying to listen/parent best I can) and work has just been an absolute shitshow with out of nowhere deadlines.

I'm struggling to keep my head over the water. I love writing and exercise, but can't bring myself to stop scrolling my phone, whether for the cat or just doom scrolling. I clearly need a kick up the butt.

We've been out putting up flyers and searching every nook and crevice for twat cat who I love probably too much and I'm covered in head to toe in sodding bites from the searching and resisting the urge to scratch.

I know none of these are DH's fault but I'm a festering pot of resentfulness and crossness and I can't pull myself out of it. I've tried doing fun things with DD and even doing nothing and just chilling. But I've wound myself up and I'm too tired to get a grip. My Mum used to beat a carpet in the garden to get her stress out, which I could bloody do with right now.

He sounds selfish and doesn’t sound like much of a dad.
id be telling him no you can’t go.

His job is a vocation?!? What does he research? I’m an academic and there are quite a few who act like they are solving the world’s problems with their ‘vocation’ and on average about three people read their work. Not saying he doesn’t do important stuff but ….

It’s so disappointing that he both resents your success and has a vocation/saviour approach to his own. Does he not see that your earnings, bonus and pension will be huge enablers of your future comfort? And as another poster put it ‘no wonder women end up in the slow lane’ if your responsibility are unequal.

Three weeks summer holibobs away from his wife and child? What a prince!

We are similar OP, it's a massive juggle and sometimes feels like all our time is accounted for as we both travel to varying degrees with work.

We have a 'whoever had it in the diary first' system even if one of us forgets and books something in - then its tough shit for them. Obviously we are both mindful of each others careers (eg my husband switched something around last year for a last minute invite for me to a conference which could really help my career).

Your system isnt working if he doesn't bother to use it because he knows that you'll just agree it anyway. It also isnt working because he doesn't value family time as much as you (2 weeks on 3 separate camping trips, when you work full time and have a child at home is a lot). It isnt working because it's not an equal system since you've said 'you wouldnt get away with that'. And it doesnt work because it sounds like he doesn't value your career if he is jealous of bonus rather than being delighted like most people would be

I think you need a serious talk about equality in your relationship.

So actually you're not being at all unreasonable

You sound really lovely OP.

Too lovely almost!

Id be smiling, nodding and in the background arranging a girls trip to a very expensive spa paid for out the joint account of course. On a week-end to suit me.

because things need to be fair right? 😉

So hes taken 3 weeks of annual leave to go on holidays without his partner or child? I honestly dont know anyone who would do that to their family, no one. He sounds like a selfish pig.

I think you frame him as egalitarian and a good dad and husband because that's the narrative he says and you believe.

If you just judge him by actual actions, which tell you the real person, it's telling a different story op.

I think you're so deep into the relationship you can't see the disconnect between his words and actions clearly and that's why you're posting here instead of laughing at him and telling him it's a good joke to joke about, because REAL partners wouldn't land someone in the shit repeatedly like this. I would love you to write down how he prioritises DD in terms of time and logistics but you'd need to remove female support from it. How much of his life does he REALLY put out of whack for you or her if left to his own steam at the cost of his leisure time?

I call BS on his New Man rhetoric. He's just another selfish knob keeping his lovely wife down.

100%.

OP, I'm just wondering if your cat has turned up.
Hope you're ok.