I don't think I'm 100% AIBU but I need to get a grip

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

DH and I have a rule that any time away for work or personal life needs to go in each other's calendars e.g. dinner with friends, weekend away. It's usually after the "does this work?" conversation. This is how we juggle parenting (DD8) responsibilities e.g. school pick up. Both have busy FT jobs so keeping track is important.

Anyway, DH had the opportunity to present in a country at the opposite side of the world and jumped at it. He OK'd it with me with what he said was a couple of days tourism afterwards (spoiler: he's added five days for tourism). I checked the diary and he had one weeklong camping trip in June. It was a push but I said OK because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I go to London a lot with work (manager) and my boss asked me to do a presentation in June. It was a free date in the diary and I provisionally agreed. When I popped DH a message and added it to the calendar, he responded that he was away that week on another weeklong camping trip in June. So that's two weeklong camping trips with two different friends (no OW, I know both the friends) and 1.5 weeks for work tourism.

I was really annoyed and said so but ultimately what could I do because by that time everything was booked and paid for. He gets touchy when I get cross after he announces at the last minute that his camping friend is staying with us last night before getting flight. I don't have a problem with that in principle, it's the last minute slow and inconsistent delivery of information. For example, he wasn't clear on his departure date (said it was one thing then another, I was called to London but it turned out it was the first day and it left me up the shitter).

We talked all of this out but did leave me a bit resentful and cross. He's now having a blast of a time with cultural experiences while in my world, our cat has gone missing. I'm beside myself with worry and I've been staying up into the early hours then up again to look for him. DD has started saying things like she hates her body (trying to listen/parent best I can) and work has just been an absolute shitshow with out of nowhere deadlines.

I'm struggling to keep my head over the water. I love writing and exercise, but can't bring myself to stop scrolling my phone, whether for the cat or just doom scrolling. I clearly need a kick up the butt.

We've been out putting up flyers and searching every nook and crevice for twat cat who I love probably too much and I'm covered in head to toe in sodding bites from the searching and resisting the urge to scratch.

I know none of these are DH's fault but I'm a festering pot of resentfulness and crossness and I can't pull myself out of it. I've tried doing fun things with DD and even doing nothing and just chilling. But I've wound myself up and I'm too tired to get a grip. My Mum used to beat a carpet in the garden to get her stress out, which I could bloody do with right now.

Hm where's your time away? Where's your week long holiday or couple days writing retreat?
It's ok to take some time out for yourself but your DH has done too much imo and it's understandably leaving you resentful

@ZickZack - I will get some time out in a couple weeks (pre-organised and diarised blah blah) but I'm struggling now and feeling cross.

I don't know how to pull myself out of the stupor - usually quite good at picking myself up.

I blame the cat.

Once you've found the cat, maybe plan some stuff for yourself to balance it out.

Also sounds like you need some support with DD. this should be a priority as soon as DH is back. Maybe speak to the health visitor?

That's good you've got some time for yourself coming up but I understand that doesn't help now. I really hope your cat turns up today (had my girl for 17 years, they are family).

"He finds my work 'successes' difficult to swallow sometimes"
There you have it. That's why he sabotages you and messes you around. It's the age old phenomenon of a man believing he's more important than his wife. He's putting you in your place.

First off, cats go missing all the time in summer and they either come home when they’re exhausted or move on to new pastures if they fancy. The cat is not likely to be lying injured or trapped for you to find. I have watched hundreds of posts on various social media websites and the cats return almost always, looking tired but grateful for cuddles. No-one owns a cat really - they do their own thing!

So tone down the major cat search - tell your street neighbours or village to watch out but the rest is futile. This isn’t helping your mental state and your daughter might be picking up on it too causing worry. Tell your daughter Mrs Cat is off socialising and enjoy making up mini adventures for her.

Treat this mum/daughter time as great fun and do things you’d never normally do - camp in the garden or go find the best place for brunch by bike. Whatever is totally different from your normal activities. She sounds an anxious child so anything to mix things up is good.

Your DH sounds inconsiderate in the extreme and a bit checked out. I know you say he’s very involved but how - one pick up from school a week? Who is doing all the family washing, admin, cleaning right now? He has left you with everything over and over again. It’s like Paul on Motherland. The system is set up for you to take the slack.

Unless this is a one-in-a-marriage mistake, that’s where I’d be focussing.

You husband's camping trip should be of lower priority than your work presentation.
Its not like its a one off much planned trip he's taking, so to think this is more important than your work commitment speaks volumes about how he views your career.

Could your dd not go with him on his camping trip?

Let me get this straight - his second camping trip that wasn't in the shared calendar has now taken priority over your WORK event that was in the calendar?

That is an utter piss take and the second camping trip wouldn't have been going ahead if this was my situation.

Have you had to cancel your work event ?

Oh and I hope you find your wee cat soon, sounds like that's the immediate stress.

I have two of the little beasts and I'd be bereft if either went missing so I totally know now you feel. Hope he comes home soon.

@declutteringmymind - we've been speaking to the school about it. They've been playing kiss the bottle in the playground as well. Too young imo.

@ZickZack - he is family x

@FictionalCharacter - I'll keep an eye on it. He wants my pay cheque and my job means discounted mortgage - we wouldn't have been able to buy if it wasn't for my job. I think he is egalitarian but ultimately his job is a vocation in his eyes or he thinks I am or should be stronger than I am. He probably approaches it theoretically e.g. army wives live apart from their husbands when they're serving.

Your husband is behaving like a twat. It’s not ok and you need to make it very, very clear. He’s checking out of his responsibilities.

My cat went missing for two months once. He then wandered over to a lady who was literally reading his lost cat poster! I cried every day for him.

Cats have really good sense of smell. Every evening, put the clothes you’ve worn that day on your washing line. Also his litter tray, if he has one. He may have got a bit disoriented. If he’s been seen, at least he isn’t shut in someone’s shed. The idea of sitting, quietly chatting where he’s been spotted is good. Also, you could consider borrowing a trap from a cat rescue and leaving it with food in, where he’s been spotted.

Hes just another garden variety nobhead who is living his best life on the back of his knackered wife.

Sorry posted too soon. Please OP, start looking at your life and have a think about what would make YOUR life better, whst would be better for your lovely dd. At the minute she's struggling, your struggling and where is dad? She is learning that men are entitled to live their best lives while mum cracks on. I dont know about you but thats not what i want for my daughter. I will keep everything crossed that your cat comes back 💐

@NOTANUM - we've had sightings of our cat hungry and anxious so we are keen to find him.

This has been relayed to my daughter as he's on an adventure. It's me that's not OK on the inside, partly because it's frustrating I can't do much cat-wise while he's away and because I'm stretched out at work. Saying that she did have a good cry about missing him.

We had a nice day out yesterday and she is currently having a play date with her best friend. My neighbours have been offering to take her out as well (we regularly round up each others kids for trips to park when life takes over). I'm the only one who can drive so I tend to haul them all to soft play.

In every other sense, we share all drop offs and pick ups. But it's this theme on the thread that when cut comes to dry I'm sacrificing just that bit more and creaking under the load.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache - very true. There's still this slight uneven balance, just more of a hill for me than him. Starts with blokey team mates and watching guy after guy get ahead and get more experience/exposure and ends in the home with this shit.

@5128gap - it had been planned with a friend from another country, even though it was a domestic trip (flight still involved). Yeah that's the crux of it. Because he wasn't on top of his shit, I didn't get a proper say and was stuck in the thick of it.

I see a therapist to come to terms with my sister's death and other stuff. Will be good to talk this through with her on Wednesday. I don't have the patience to raise this with him, have the same teenager response from him and have to get cross to get heard. Exhausting.

@GodisaBC No, my parents swooped in twice to save the day. For another ask I had to be in the office next week (he's still away), he even offered to fly his mother over. And she would do it!! Total enabler! Has all these women around him supporting him!!

I don’t think YABU at all. My husband took a week long leisure trip with friends last year. I was happy for him to go. He then later in the year went on holiday with us as a family unit.

He works away a lot with work and so I’m often on my own dealing with pet and children issues (you have my empathy there) but I’d be so annoyed if it was for so much leisure time! I’m guessing you don’t take 3 solo trips a year??

He needs to hugely cut down on the leisure trips, understand your work is the priority and book a trip with you so you also get a break.

OP, all through this thread you've made excuses for your partner behaving like a twat.

Time to stop!

He's not remotely egalitarian. Every example you've given is of a man believing himself to be more important than his wife, and behaving accordingly.

You even don't talk about how well work is going because it upsets his stupidly fragile little ego!

Not putting things in the diary is one very effective way to keep you wrong footed in the relationship.

If you earn similar, then expect this behaviour to really ramp up next time there's another promotion for you in the offing and you become the.much higher earner! I guarantee he'll try and sabotage you just as he does now.

YANBU, husband is, he should bend/move/cancel one of his camping trips.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze are you still in contact with your cat's previous owner ? Worth asking them if you could leave food/clothing in a cat carrier at theirs?