I don't think I'm 100% AIBU but I need to get a grip

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

DH and I have a rule that any time away for work or personal life needs to go in each other's calendars e.g. dinner with friends, weekend away. It's usually after the "does this work?" conversation. This is how we juggle parenting (DD8) responsibilities e.g. school pick up. Both have busy FT jobs so keeping track is important.

Anyway, DH had the opportunity to present in a country at the opposite side of the world and jumped at it. He OK'd it with me with what he said was a couple of days tourism afterwards (spoiler: he's added five days for tourism). I checked the diary and he had one weeklong camping trip in June. It was a push but I said OK because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I go to London a lot with work (manager) and my boss asked me to do a presentation in June. It was a free date in the diary and I provisionally agreed. When I popped DH a message and added it to the calendar, he responded that he was away that week on another weeklong camping trip in June. So that's two weeklong camping trips with two different friends (no OW, I know both the friends) and 1.5 weeks for work tourism.

I was really annoyed and said so but ultimately what could I do because by that time everything was booked and paid for. He gets touchy when I get cross after he announces at the last minute that his camping friend is staying with us last night before getting flight. I don't have a problem with that in principle, it's the last minute slow and inconsistent delivery of information. For example, he wasn't clear on his departure date (said it was one thing then another, I was called to London but it turned out it was the first day and it left me up the shitter).

We talked all of this out but did leave me a bit resentful and cross. He's now having a blast of a time with cultural experiences while in my world, our cat has gone missing. I'm beside myself with worry and I've been staying up into the early hours then up again to look for him. DD has started saying things like she hates her body (trying to listen/parent best I can) and work has just been an absolute shitshow with out of nowhere deadlines.

I'm struggling to keep my head over the water. I love writing and exercise, but can't bring myself to stop scrolling my phone, whether for the cat or just doom scrolling. I clearly need a kick up the butt.

We've been out putting up flyers and searching every nook and crevice for twat cat who I love probably too much and I'm covered in head to toe in sodding bites from the searching and resisting the urge to scratch.

I know none of these are DH's fault but I'm a festering pot of resentfulness and crossness and I can't pull myself out of it. I've tried doing fun things with DD and even doing nothing and just chilling. But I've wound myself up and I'm too tired to get a grip. My Mum used to beat a carpet in the garden to get her stress out, which I could bloody do with right now.

The other side of him is that he has no respect for your time and just expects you to pick up the flack if he double books himself. Almost as if you’re the primary carer and he helps out when it suits him. Was there any suggestion at all that he might cancel the camping trip for your work trip or was it just a given that you would have to yield?

Your DH is displaying some very undesirable character traits, I hope the “good” is off the charts.

I hope your cat returns from his travels soon, OP.

Look at the difference here: you provisionally said yes to your work trip as the diary was clear, but checked with your DH, and hey presto, he has booked it without a provisional check and without putting it in the diary. And expects it to be honoured because it is all booked.

He is using your diary system differently. First come first served does not work if one partner’s patterns are consistently ‘first come’. And if his default is that he can always go, if the diary is clear, no matter how many weeks you have been left sole parenting.

You need a calm structured discussion about this.

And personally I wouldn’t see the fact that it was paid for as trumping your important work trip when he hadn’t checked first or put it in the diary. I would have told him to cancel. This is how women get put in the slow lane for promotion etc because they get left with all the parenting.

In fact given his attitude to your bonuses, along with the diary stuff, would this be something you could go to couples counselling to discuss?

Well fingers crossed for your cat, obviously number 1 on your list. Once that's hopefully sorted you can sort out the dh situation

Is camping his job? How so many weeks away that are not family holiday time?

No that wouldn't be acceptable. He can't opt out of family life for 3 weeks without a discussion first. Can you book off 3 weeks of July?

WOW.
The number ONE reason for divorce and discontent among married professional career women is an unsupportive husband. No matter how good he is in other ways. He sees himself as your superior just because you're the woman.

YADNBU. A shared calendar isn't for fun. It only works if everyone uses it. You're not his secretary.

Your resentment will grow, you are at high risk of burnout if he keeps expecting you to put up and shut up

Take two weeks off and tell him last minute. He can run the household by himself.

Exactly OP.
Did you work so hard on your career only for a man to ruin it all?

What are your summer child care arrangements? Will you use annual leave to fill in the gaps?

I'm not surprised you're furious. You're going to have to say no, and mean it in a way that makes it clear to him it's a deal breaker. And you need to serve him up some of his own medicine by clearing off with your friends yourself.

Can I just double check this - you said you both manage your work around maximising your availability for dd so she doesn't have to go in childcare so much.

Is he using work free days that are earmarked for childcare to go camping??

I still don't understand how this second camping trip works though, ie did you then have to say no re the work commitment? As that is absolutely not on as far as I'm concerned.

I’m so so sorry about your cat, I really hope he comes home soon. Ours only recently started going out and on Wednesday she disappeared for two hours and I was hysterical! I wandered the streets calling for her, crying, posted on Facebook and then the twat sauntered in like nothing had happened! It’s ridiculous how much we love these furry little dickheads. Your dh is being hugely unreasonable 3 weeks in a month off galavanting, I know one is connected to work but still. It’s not his fault dd is low or the cats gone walk about or your works shit but it would all be a hell of a lot easier with him here to support you in dealing with it all. You’re doing a great job. And when he gets home I’d be having a night or two away in a nice hotel or whatever would help you feel like doing while he holds down the fort. And got everything crossed for you that twat cat comes home 💐

@Sharwell45 - agree & that is how it will play out next time.

@Lemonyfuckit - he had agreed it with me verbally but didn't put it in the calendar so I forgot about it (this is why we have the calendar system - I will forget if it's not nailed in as work is busy). Then he asked for international trip and I said I was OK with it based on him being on one week long trip the previous weeks, not two because the second one wasn't in the calendar.

@Prettybubblesintheair he's only 1.5 and is hungry/scared because he's been spotted a couple of times and keeps going back to where he was born (just down the street from me). I don't understand why he isn't coming back here. There's food out, he's lived here for a year, he's around me all the time.

@ditalini - no

@daisychain42 - mix of holiday club for 3 days a week for two weeks, and 2.5 weeks family holiday. He's taking her for one week to his mother's.

I don't think YANBU at all. I totally feel your distress at losing your cat. I hope he returns. And a teen on top of that....

I would go off by myself when he returns.

Sorry, your DD may not be a teen. Doesn't matter. She needs both parents.

Your husband is dicking you around. Your daughter needs both her parents and a lot of immediate care to tackle body insecurity age eight, poor love. Can you and dd take cat food and camping chairs and sit at place cat was born and wait for him to turn up there again?

I hope that your professional career isn't funding this lifestyle for him?
He seems to have an awful lot of time to himself.....I only get 20 days AL so I wouldn't be able to travel so much even if my husband was happy for me to go!
Apologies if I am wrong but he's giving off serious cock lodger vibes!

@MykonosMaiden @EggInANest - I think it's almost a competitive jealousy sometimes and then it settles down, probably more reflective of his own experiences at work (mid-senior academic role - frequently frustrating).

He does see his role as a calling and something he will do beyond retirement, whereas I work for money at the end of the day but what I do directly impacts the experience of thousands of customers even if in 1,5,10 years the tech will be completely different.

We are so different but none of that has seemed insurmountable. I think it makes us a good team even if finding something we both enjoy watching on telly is a ball ache. He does need to loosen up and working in academia has made him quite sheltered and idealistic.

@PomTiddlyPomPom - no he's an academic so AL is generous. We earn about the same. The only difference is I have probably battled more through experience, jobs and balancing work/childcare to get this role whereas academia is more family friendly.

@UnRavellingFast - good idea, we'll do this tonight

@Lentilweaver - agreed. I wouldn't feel right leaving if I knew DD had been saying stuff like that. She said "why doesn't my body look the way I think it should look?" I think me and her are doing OK on it though, I don't know what he would add to it if he were here. He means well but also applies humour to try to pull her out of it, then she thinks she's not being taken seriously (we've spoken about this and he's understanding it more now). I wish I could be a fly on the wall at school.