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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reached the end of my tether being asked to do life admin for a stranger

119 replies

GotMooMilk · 01/07/2023 14:02

I’ve been struggling recently, like a lot of us really. 2 small kids, juggling 2 jobs and study to increase earning potential. Good DH who helps out but still carrying a lot of the mental load. Every week feels like a struggle at the moment and like we are both dashing from one thing to another spinning plates. Money is tight and causing a bit of stress. Working bank shifts to make extra. What lots of people are experiencing I suppose.

Anyway a friend of MIL messaged me asking if a random relative of her could get in touch with me as she’s moving from far away to near us and wanted advice on the area/schools- fine I said. MIL a few days later messaged me this girls number and said she wants to speak to me about it- I said fine both you and your friend have my number, give it to me and I will message her.

Saw MIL today and she’s asking have I messaged X, she really wants advice on schools etc. I didn’t lose my temper but was exasperated and told her I don’t have the time and energy to chase a stranger to give her life advice. She can message me, she can Google, she can look at ofsted. I’m not going looking for extra admin tasks helping someone I don’t know and will never meet move house. If she contacts me I’ll reply. MIL and DH both now think I’m grumpy and being a bit dramatic but aaaargh! When I moved her I did it all myself! I don’t mind helping her but she needs to message first- AIBU?!

OP posts:
Original poster
GotMooMilk · 01/07/2023 14:03

*sorry in paragraph 2 give it to her and ask her to message me! I did specify that early on!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/07/2023 14:05

You'd said you'd message her though. Anyway YANBU, just say you really don't have time, the friend can use Google.

RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 01/07/2023 14:05

Not unreasonable - I’m in a similar situation and it would be a no from me.

I was reading recently that women’s time is often viewed as infinite, whereas men’s time is viewed as finite and it really struck a chord with me. Why hasn’t MIL asked DH?

Diddykong · 01/07/2023 14:06

I'd just lie and say you messaged a ton of info and gave her links to 20 parents in the local area who can also give her accurate reviews of schools, and the contact details of 5 head teachers willing to talk to her, and the direct line to the ofsted inspector for x school etc etc. But she's never responded.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2023 14:06

Oh X post!

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2023 14:06

RhubarbandCustardYummyYummy · 01/07/2023 14:05

Not unreasonable - I’m in a similar situation and it would be a no from me.

I was reading recently that women’s time is often viewed as infinite, whereas men’s time is viewed as finite and it really struck a chord with me. Why hasn’t MIL asked DH?

Bloody good point!

YaWeeSkitter · 01/07/2023 14:07

You are right to let the stranger approach you if she needs the help.
MIL probably thinks she is being helpful offering your services but this other person may well be more than capable of doing things for themselves. Mil just wants to get the Kudos of offering the help without actually doing anything other than passing on a phone number.

Isolationendurance · 01/07/2023 14:08

You need to ask for your op to be changed or everyone will say "Well you did say that you'd message her" over and over again.

ArtichokeAardvark · 01/07/2023 14:08

I think you're tired and stressed and this has been blown out of proportion - you're not 'doing life admin for a stranger', you're giving some advice to a friend of the family. Totally agree that the onus is on her to get in touch (although it's not exactly hard work to send a text saying 'hi, hear you need advice on x, happy to chat if you give me a ring at the weekend') but yes, you are being pretty dramatic to get all het up about it. I'd put money on it that you don't have a great relationship with your MIL anyway and this is clouding your judgement.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 01/07/2023 14:08

I said that- DH can do it, ‘oh no she wants to know about schools’ his kids go to school?! They are our joint kids?! Aaaargh!!!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 01/07/2023 14:09

If you didn’t want to help, why didn’t you say so? I wouldn’t class this as ‘life admin’. It’s more like giving someone advice about whatever it is they’re asking about. No one’s forcing you!

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 01/07/2023 14:09

Message her and say you're too busy to give it a lot of thought. Tell her to join the local Facebook page and ask on there. Ours frequently has similar questions from people moving to the area and there is always lots of helpful advice.

Protect or ring fence your time, it is all to easy for other people to fritter it away.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 01/07/2023 14:10

@ArtichokeAardvark I think that’s probably true- I do get on with MIL but she doesn’t do much so has loads of time compared to me so doesn’t see the struggle.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 01/07/2023 14:11

It's not really life admin, telling someone about schools in the area... ofstead are rubbish and reputation of schools are more accurately portrayed by people in the area.

Craftsandgardens · 01/07/2023 14:11

ArtichokeAardvark · 01/07/2023 14:08

I think you're tired and stressed and this has been blown out of proportion - you're not 'doing life admin for a stranger', you're giving some advice to a friend of the family. Totally agree that the onus is on her to get in touch (although it's not exactly hard work to send a text saying 'hi, hear you need advice on x, happy to chat if you give me a ring at the weekend') but yes, you are being pretty dramatic to get all het up about it. I'd put money on it that you don't have a great relationship with your MIL anyway and this is clouding your judgement.

I agree with this. When I read the title, I expected the poster to be complaining about organizing shopping, paying bills, arranging transport etc.

In fact all that has been asked for is advice on local schools, which is perfectly normal. Yes, the person could consult Ofsted, but it's far more useful to have the opinions of people who are directly involved.

BonnieGlasses · 01/07/2023 14:14

I'd be willing to bet that this woman neither needs nor wants your advice, which is why she hasn't messaged. She probably mentioned to her relative that she was moving, and the rest is down to the relative and your MIL being busybodies.

PimpMyFridge · 01/07/2023 14:15

You've been open to giving advice and have explicitly invited said person to get in touch as you are willing to help.
What's the being this person isn't that bothered and that's why they haven't. It's the sort of conversation my mum would have...

Chat happening...
Person A: moving is so complex so many things to sort out like working out which school to apply for...
My mum: OooooOOOoooo my DD has just gone through all this, I bet she could give you loads of pointers, would you like me to ask her?
Person A: that would be lovely thanks <not really expecting anything>

It's the kind of thing lovely well-meaning, plenty of time on their hands people do to try to be helpful.
The problem you've got is that they now have an image in their head of this person who is at a loss without your intervention and baffled at how X many days can go by without you having sprung into action because they have no concept of your days basically.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2023 14:15

Tell your DH it's his mother's friend so he can deal with it.

pizzaHeart · 01/07/2023 14:17

It looks from your post as you’ve promised to message her so maybe that why she hasn’t messaged you yet.
however I agree with others you overreacted about nothing you could even refuse but more calmly and politely.

CurlewKate · 01/07/2023 14:24

You said you'd message her.....

Gazelda · 01/07/2023 14:29

BonnieGlasses · 01/07/2023 14:14

I'd be willing to bet that this woman neither needs nor wants your advice, which is why she hasn't messaged. She probably mentioned to her relative that she was moving, and the rest is down to the relative and your MIL being busybodies.

This is what I think too.
Why not just drop her a text and say you've heard she's after a chat and she can give you a call on Tues after 7 if she's still after advice. (Or whatever time you've got 10 mins spare).

Changethetoner · 01/07/2023 14:31

In the time you've spent here on Mumsnet, you could have messaged the woman. "my children go to X school, we're happy with it. I've heard Y school is large, Z school is smaller but sports focused." Sorted.

readbooksdrinktea · 01/07/2023 14:33

She can message you if she wants info. If she doesn't, she probably humoured your MIL as well.

IglesiasPiggl · 01/07/2023 14:33

BonnieGlasses · 01/07/2023 14:14

I'd be willing to bet that this woman neither needs nor wants your advice, which is why she hasn't messaged. She probably mentioned to her relative that she was moving, and the rest is down to the relative and your MIL being busybodies.

I came on to say exactly this. I bet she doesn't want to contact you any more than you want her to.

tenterden · 01/07/2023 14:33

Yeah I would spend two minutes to message her then forget about it.

Or delegate to DH

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